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Single Divorced Dad Needs Advice

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by FloridaGuy, Apr 7, 2015.

  1. FloridaGuy

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    Hi all - just found this forum recently and thought I'd give it a try. I was married for over 20 years, divorced for 5 and have two kids in their early twenties. I have searched the internet for months and haven't found any information or advice from other single dads who are interested in coming out. Perhaps how they went about it, how things went with their adult children, etc. Most advice and information I have found is for guys who are much younger and have young kids.
    Thanks!
     
  2. mlansing

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    Well I'm only 32 and never been married, no kids, but I've recently just been telling more and more family and friends in private one-on-one conversations when it feels right to do so. I also just today got the courage up to talk to this guy I've had a crush on for a while. Not sure if this helps but I think the key is to understand that it's a process and it won't all happen over night. Just make the next right move.
     
  3. CyclingFan

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    I know there are several guys who are around here who have/are going through something similar.

    Welcome!
     
  4. kindy14

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    Welcome to the forum. Search this section and you'll find plenty of advice. I'm just coming out at 50 (last October.) It's been difficult, but generally friends have been accepting. I've found that I'm actually quite popular with the guys, so I'm enjoying myself more than I have ever.
     
  5. YermanTom

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    Hi I'm married and gay but I don't have kids. I do attend a support group for gay married men.
    The subject of coming out to kids, both very young and adult kids, comes up on a regular basis. In general the kids have no problem with their dad being gay. Attitudes to being gay, for young people, are totally different to when I grew up.
    I remember one reaction was "Dad, we always knew, we were just wondering when you would tell us."
    Most of the guys came out to their adult kids using the "we need to talk about something ...." method. The general advice is to do it in a place where you can have an open and frank discussion if necessary.
    I would suggest that attending a local support group for married men might give you some help, support and advice.
    Best of luck I hope it goes well for you. (*hug*)
     
  6. greatwhale

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    Hey FloridaGuy, welcome to EC!

    I was married 20 years, had three kids and I am out to everyone in my family and my friends (without my permission, or even consulting me, my ex-wife told the kids...which is typical, but I digress)

    My relationship with my kids is good, I have found that my sons don't really want to talk about it, which is fine, but I am quite able to freely discuss it with my daughter who is cool with it. I know they will be confronted with the reality of it once I have a stable relationship but I am not worried (more worried that they may perceive him to be a threat, or competition for my attention, but this would happen if it involved a woman as well).

    Check out the website called Colage, it has excellent resources for gay parents and their children. You should be able to find some good advice about coming out to the kids.
     
  7. OnTheHighway

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    Hey FloridaGuy, married 19 years, 2 teenage daughters. On third year after coming out to myself, family, etc.

    Was initially quite the rollercoaster ride. Things have since calmed down substantially and I feel both myself, my kids and their mother are all on the right path!

    You found the right place!
     
  8. CameronBayArea

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    The best resources I've found are Colage, here, bi married men blogs on blogspot and local support groups, which are listed here: Groups for Bi and Gay Married or Formerly Married Men

    If none of those are helpful, the major dating sites allow you to search for bi/gay guys with children. If you message a half dozen of them, you should get at least one guy who is willing to chat and/or meet for coffee.

    Generally speaking, therapists recommend coming out to children sooner rather later. Many kids in this generation don't care about sexuality. What they DO care about, a lot, is being lied to.

    It's safe to assume that your kids don't want to know anything about your sex life or sexual history. Unless they ask, it's probably best to be very general and g-rated.

    If you have specific questions, please ask them here. You'll get many thoughtful replies.

    ---------- Post added 8th Apr 2015 at 04:54 PM ----------

    "how they went about it, how things went with their adult children"

    My oldest was 18, so just barely an adult. He didn't care - but then he also came out to me as bisexual.

    I told my three teenagers one night at dinner and was very low-key about it. My theory is that when you turn that kind of announcement into a big production you're more likely to get a dramatic response. I wanted to set a very matter-of-fact tone for the conversation so I began that way.

    My relationship with my kids pre-disclosure was excellent and is even better now. They're very protective of me and hate it when their mother criticizes me. Part of that may be because I only say positive things about her.

    I'm familiar with many stories of guys coming out to their adult children. As a rule it goes very well EXCEPT: when they're extremely religious, when the relationship is already severely strained, when infidelity is involved, or, when the mother is criticized and the child has a close relationship with her. Please keep in mind that having children in any of these situations doesn't mean they will react poorly. All I'm saying is that *IF* they do respond negatively, 99.6% of the time, those are the reasons.
     
  9. FloridaGuy

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    Hey all - thanks for your replies. Unfortunately there are no local support groups in my area so I'm going to have to wing it. I have told a few out of state acquaintances but have yet to tell close friends or family. All of the out of state folks have been supportive so I think the close friends will be OK also. I have a good relationship with my sons so I don't think it will be an issue either, but want to talk to friends first in case it doesn't go as well as expected. One is local, the other is out of state so I'm thinking about sending them an email to give them a chance to read and digest, along with providing them both with the same information at the same time. Thoughts?
    My elderly parents, I feel, will be the most difficult.
     
  10. OnTheHighway

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    If you don't mind me asking, what region of Florida are you living in? I am from South Florida originally, and there was plenty there. If there are none in your local community, the larger metro areas should have some, whether it be Tampa/St. Pete, Orlando, Jacksonville, Gainesville, Tallahassee. One of the areas should be within a somewhat reasonable drive if you are able to get there.
     
  11. looking for me

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    i know there are several PFLAG chapters in many parts of Florida, i'm going to my first meeting here in Newfoundland next week. BTW, im getting a divorce, single dad raising a teenage boy on my own. if you search my threads you will find my coming out stories.
     
  12. tscott

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    I was married for 25 years and came out a little over a year ago. My children at the time my ex and I told them about the divorce and that Daddy was gay were 20, 17, and 11. After the initial weeping and wailing, about an hour, they took it very well. My eldest thought I was having an affair; when in truth I was faithful until the divorce was finalized. That was the only negative aspect. The others have had no real issues, and I believe we are now closer than we were before, especially my son.

    Good luck to you. I think your children will surprise you.
     
  13. FloridaGuy

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    Hey guys, thanks again for all of the advice. Unfortunately there are no support groups in my area. The nearest metro area would be Orlando so I'll have to check there. I'm also thinking of looking for a gay professionals group in that area. If anyone knows of one, please let me know. The only way I know to find these are to look on ********

    Have most of you told your colleagues at the office as well? My 30 year old boss is a bigot so I'm not sure that would go too well. We'll see.......
     
    #13 FloridaGuy, Apr 19, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 19, 2015
  14. FloridaGuy

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    Re: Single Divorced Dad Needs Advice - UPDATE

    Hey all -

    An update..... Over the past few weeks I have come out to two closest friends, one straight male and one straight female. Both were extremely supportive and told me that it makes no difference to them. I didn't think it would but you never know. Next, a couple weeks later I felt OK with coming out to my two kids. They were also very supportive and told me that they are proud of having me for a dad. Made me cry and very happy needless to say. Still not sure about telling folks at work since none of them would have a clue. Perhaps if an opportunity comes up for me to slip it into a conversation, that may be the best route. Any suggestions for that?
     
  15. greatwhale

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    Re: Single Divorced Dad Needs Advice - UPDATE

    I would be very, very careful. Check Florida's anti-discrimination laws which are convoluted and often county-sponsored:

    From this Wikipedia entry I found the following:

    These are Wikipedia entries, so tread carefully and still look at your own county's laws and by-laws.
     
  16. FloridaGuy

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    It is a global company with gay folks in executive positions so I don't believe it would be a corporate issue, I'm more concerned about the more conservative folks in my department and I must work closely with them. I'm well liked but don't want to push my luck.
     
  17. OnTheHighway

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    Any reason they need to know? Are you dating or seeing someone and run the risk of bumping into your colleges? Or do you have a need to be transparent?

    When I came out, I was willing to take the risk of my career being impacted. I needed the transparency for my own personal development. So I put it on the line and came out at work. I was fortunate in that no one cared. I do think I was lucky.

    Think carefully about how important it is to you and if your willing to accept the consequences if it does not go well. And you may not even know initially. It could turn into a "death by a thousand cuts" type situation where you first receive acceptance, but then behind closed doors, those you work with act otherwise.

    Good Luck!
     
  18. skiff

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    My supervisors boss is gay and is also departmental Director, i am friends with the Director for years who brought me into the company and the Director's partner works there too and he is out. But I see no reason to bring up sexuality.

    Straight guys and lockerroom talk always irritated me. Friends is one thing but work colleagues are work and work is professional.

    You seem to be a level headed, no drama guy, who is coping well. Do you need a support group? Is it simply a social outlet?