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New here, need guidance.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by confuseddreamer, Apr 8, 2015.

  1. confuseddreamer

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    Hello everyone, I am new here, and I desperately need help, encouragement and guidance My name is David, I’ve only very recently come out as bi, and I’m still very frightened.
    The first thing I must point out is that I am married, and have been some years now. If I’d realised I was gay, I could not have lived that lie, and it wouldn’t have been fair on either my wife, or myself. Being bi however, I can lead a relatively normal life, and it has not affected my relationship. However, it has come as a massive shock, and I have been really upset about it, still coming to terms with it. What is difficult for me, is that, for reasons that will become clear, I can not reveal this to either my wife or mother – making the fact that I’m bi, rather than gay even more significant.
    When I was a teenager in the late 1970s, I went to a small Catholic boarding school. I was very messed up and confused, and one of the things, was about my sexuality – not knowing if I was gay, bi or straight. I was sexually abused once while there, and I don’t know if that was anything to do with it, but I was questioning myself. Obviously, as you can imagine, there was no way I could say anything to anyone. At home, just before I started there, my Mum was going through a rather messy divorce, so there was no way I could talk to her or anyone in my family about it either, and certainly not about what happened to me there. As it was to transpire later, in the end, it’s just as well I didn’t. After leaving school, these self doubts continued, and for a long time, until I finally met the girl who is now my wife. Ever since then however, while now ruling out being completely gay, my doubts about my sexuality did continue – not over my commitment to my wife, which was not in any question, but as to whether I was straight, or bi. When I’m out and about, I’ve noticed girls - as men, even married men do - but I’ve so often wondered why I’ve noticed guys as well and thought to myself (and still think to myself) “wow, he’s handsome” and had thoughts. In fact, probably moreso with guys. Also, I do seem to have so many gay friends- which I’m quite happy about (they are brilliant and lovely people) - including several guys who I do fancy. I know I’m in a relationship though, and they may be also, so I respect that – I can however, still fancy them and find them attractive. I do find myself listening to “Gaydio” sometimes also, quite frequently actually, liking it and thinking is really good.
    Then, not very long ago at all, something happened that finally clinched it for me - how I stand that is. Someone I know, although not for very long, who is himself gay, sent me an inbox on Facebook. He’s only young, and I genuinely don’t believe he was intending to hurt me, but could have had no idea of the impact what he was about to say, would have on me….. He said that lots of married men are secretly gay, and he asked me if I’d be interested in having an affair with him (obvious what he was thinking), saying it would be alright, as my wife would never know. As I say, I genuinely don’t believe he was intending to hurt me, but it really shocked me and was a bit like a thunderbolt. It once again, really got me thinking about, and questioning my sexuality - this time, more deeply than ever.
    I have a couple of very good friends who I trust implicitly. I discussed how I was feeling with them at length, and they both said, just be honest with yourself, don’t be ashamed of anything and be proud of who you are. I thought about this very deeply, getting very emotional, confused, frightened, mixed up in the process – then finally, a week or so later, I realised I couldn’t go on kidding myself any longer, feeling I wasn’t doing myself any favours, and I came out as bi to these two good friends. Since then, I’ve been frightened, upset, and emotional, but am beginning to accept and come to terms with who I am. Despite still, when I look in the mirror, thinking to myself, “My God, he’s bi”, I’m feeling more and more proud and so much happier, now that I’m understanding myself. I am so understanding of why “Pride” is called just that.. I don’t feel “straight” anymore, I just feel myself.
    My mother however, is in her 80s, and not in good health. There is no way I can tell her – particularly as, 10 years or so after her divorce to my father, at the funeral of my brother– he re-emerged, as a transsexual. She’s never accepted this, and even now, still refers to her, when talking to me and my wife, by what was his first name, or as “your Dad”. She is not homophobic or anything, but I think it’s the fact, he’s the man she was married to and bore her children. She has said that she believes it was this that finally finished my Grandfather – saying he always appeared “stunned” after finding out, and went rapidly downhill afterwards, before passing away. As I say, my Mum is in her 80s and not in good health. With this with my father, and then finding out her only surviving son is bi-sexual, I honestly think it would finish her – in fact, I’m convinced it would, so, I can never say anything. As for my wife, she’s certainly not homophobic, but other members of her family are. I’ve heard things they’ve said – and they’re not nice at all. They’ve really hurt me, but I’ve just had to bite my lips and smile on. She does know I have many friends who are gay and bi, and she doesn’t have a problem with it, just accepting it as part of this gentle nature I’m told I have – and as for Gaydio, well I’ve always had an interest in media (broadcasting etc) and has just put it down to another radio station - but I can’t tell her about me either, as you can imagine what the repercussions there would be. It wouldn’t be fair on her. As I said, had I been completely gay, I would have had to be open with her and accept what would happen, but I’m bi, and as such, don’t believe I’m deceiving her, as I am just the same person I’ve always been. It may be of course, she’s guessed, but I can’t take that chance. I do have a few friends, who I trust implicitly, who do know I’m bisexual, so thankfully I’m not living this completely on my own. It is now, simply accepting the knowledge, I am who I am.
    I just need help and guidance here. Despite my positive feelings now, and my pride, I am still very frightened. In contacting you, I just hope I will be among people who understand me and can advise me. Thank you everyone there for the great work you do, and God bless you all.
     
  2. Spartan 117

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    Hello there, and welcome to the forum! :slight_smile: If it's okay with you, I'm going to move this thread over to the Later In Life support forum- where I think you'll get more views, and hopefully some helpful advice about your situation.
     
  3. Invidia

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    Hi! First of all, welcome to EC! (*hug*)
    There are many here with dilemmas in their lives that I think you could relate to.
    I would like to say one thing about your situation, though. I think you're doing your wife a disservice by not telling her who you are; even if you'd still be doing her a kind of disservice by telling her, I think the former is worse.
    You seem like a really nice person! You can always wall me if you're wondering about anything!
    Take care, and God be with you! <3
     
  4. confuseddreamer

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    I was worried someone may say that Triflow. I'm not pretending to be someone I'm not, and I just can't tell her. It would be disastrous. I'm being myself, and am coming to terms with who I am. You come across as a really nice, caring person too, and I hope we can be friends. God bless.
    Thanks Spartan 117, that's fine. Thank you for helping.
    <3
     
  5. Invidia

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    Well, you do of course know your own position and situation (infinity symbol) times better than I do. And I'll send you a friend request! Hope to see you around the forums! (*hug*)