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25, not out, lost, scared, confused and hesitant

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by AniE, Apr 8, 2015.

  1. AniE

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    MD
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    I'm 25 and in a state of questioning, however after months of questioning in silence (with the exception of a text to a friend telling them I was questioning, and finally telling my counselor, both yesterday) it feels like more and more I am definitely not straight, and perhaps leaning more towards exclusively lesbian.

    I have never been with a woman. I am so new to all of this and while it feels right to know myself better, there is a part of me that feels as if my inexperience somehow invalidates a conclusion I may very well be ready to be at. I have been with men all of my life, but it just never felt "right." Looking back, I was and still am so unable to connect on an emotional level and this always was a problem. Over the past year, I have found myself attracted emotionally and sexually to 3 women who were/are my friends.

    One day I was sitting down at work and something changed, I had a realization that was just too real to be true. It made so much sense. It was that one part of my life that I just never figured out and it was showing. When it happened, I was thinking about my latest encounter with a woman who I found that I fancied. We were both modeling wedding gowns for an event within the LGBT community and had a few hours to get to know one another. I remember the disapointment that caught me off guard when she mentioned her girlfriend.

    Last week I decided to attempt to confide in my good friend and roommate who was a gender studies major. We went to the same university and have been friends for years. She is straight and has a boyfriend and I have never felt attracted to her. I knew her to be supportive of anyone's sexuality. Feeling like I just wanted to talk to someone about it, I thought she would be a good friend to go to. I wasn't sure how to start out (at all) so I just awkwardly said "I've been thinking about something very personal, I am questioning my sexuality." There. I did it. Only for her response to be "I don't think its your sexuaLITY you are questioning." (with emphasis on the TY...which I interpreted as her either telling me I was using the wrong terms or more likely her trying to say I simply had a lack of sexual attraction). This is true for men. I was very dissapointed. It has made me not want to talk to anyone about this because I took a chance with a good friend who not only was not supportive but dismissed something that is important to me. I'm afraid this is a reflection of the support or lack of that I may receive if I talk to others about it. Also, I now feel as if that is the last time I will confide in that person about anything serious. :icon_sad::help::help:

    I'm also in a pickle because for the last 5 months or so I've been hanging out with a very nice man. But thats all he is to me...a very nice man who is my friend. However he has expressed interest in me and at first I thought maybe I could give it a try. But I can't. The most I have done with him is hold hands one time in bed, that felt strange. I am actually seeing him today or tomorrow, and his romantic gestures continue to become more and more. I know I absolutely must make it clear to him that I'm not interested in him that way but after the experience with my friend and roommate being so dismissive, I'm very very hesitant to tell him the true reason why.


    I'm at the point where I know I need to talk to someone else. I'm fortunate to have a supportive counselor but I feel like I've been living a lie for 25 years and I refuse to keep living it. It seems so obvious now, how could I have not figured it out before now? :eusa_liar Anyways, I've been thinking of talking to a friend who is a lesbian but I'm also hesitant to do that. There was a time last spring when she would regularly stay at my house and we would just hang out and laugh. We lost touch for awhile, she was having relationship trouble and I know her girlfriend was upset that we were hanging out, even though she knew me to be straight. I'm scared to talk about it again but I know I need to.:eek:

    Today I made a huge step in signing up for a fun event and fundraiser led by an lgbt meetup group in my city. That isn't until May, so I have some time to hopefully talk to someone in person before then.

    I know this is a lot, thank you for reading all of it! (&&&)
     
  2. YermanTom

    Full Member

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    Location:
    Co Wicklow Ireland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It might be a good idea to talk to your lesbian friend, 90% of us LGBT's were questioning at one time so most of us know where you are at.
    As regards your "boyfriend" only do what you feel comfortable with. For me that rule applies to every situation weather you are dating a gay, straight, bi or an orang-utan.
    Thanks for your post.
     
  3. perardua

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    A few people
    ^completely understand how that feels. I'm at a similar point in discovering/accepting what attracts me. If you think you and the lesbian friend are friends only - then (assuming she's a good friend) she'll listen, and better yet she'll be supportive like the above said.

    From my experience, I've told a couple of people I'm questioning and it's interesting the range of reactions people have; some are indifferent, weirded out a little or others very understanding and supportive. Sometimes all people need is a little time to comprehend the information (it's not an ideal world) - others times their reaction is a reflection of the relationship. Congrats on telling your counselor! One step down :slight_smile: If you want to talk message me :slight_smile: