40ish Dad Who Doesn't Know How to Be Gay

well, im in a similar boat bud. my "plan" is to socialize where like minded, orientated people tend to be and let things 'progress'. good luck and let us know how your doing.(*hug*)

 

I'm not trying to be a smartass but if you're gay - then you're doing it right! Just be the most confident you possible and be willing to try new things. Google meetups, lgbt centers or gay friendly events in your area. Go to museums, national parks or anything you enjoy and don't be too afraid to talk to new people.

 

When I began my journey, as you are, I actually joined a dating web site that is better known for finding relationships than casual sex. I started meeting people there online and starting dating someone (although we have broken up quite some time ago, we just had dinner last night). He helped guide me, and I helped guide him (while he had been out longer than me, he was relative inexperienced as well). Subsequently, through a lot of dialogue with others on EC, others that I met, I slowly found my way and found my footing. I joined a few charitable organizations, an outdoor group, a social dinner group and began to increase my social circle. On my third year, and feel more confident than ever!

 

Hi,

Don't try to be anything you are not. I have seen people make assumptions, try to fit into those assumptions, get hurt and regret it.

Just as a 40 something hedonist who finds himself lonely with looks failing, zero relationship skills or ltr experience and wants to "settle down", it is difficult for a leopard to change it spots, or to find somebody wanting to take on that training job. So do not be the inverse.

Be yourself. Live your life code. Do not enter a gay closet of fitting in simply to belong.

The gay scene can be a closet deeper and darker than a straight closet.

No more illusions. Be yourself. That will appeal to the right person.

 

Bravo!:eusa_clap:eusa_clap:eusa_clap

 

I'm in the same boat as well. Been with my gf for 14 years with 3 daughters and I have hit a point in my life where I feel I'm just dying to be out. Torn between my commitment to my family, and plagued by the thought that my life is passing me by. I feel broken.

 

I'm actually going to give almost the exact opposite advice. Obviously you should be yourself, but I think in the process of coming out you need to be really open to the possibility that you may not be who you thought you were. Be true to yourself, not just the you people have told you you should be, not even just the you you've told yourself you should be.

In a perfect world your sexuality would be a small part of who you are but being closeted is generally a very large part of who you are--much larger than most people realize until they manage to really get out. For that reason coming out often really changes people.

I know it did for me. I was shy, bookish and pretty introverted--and within a year or so I was open, outgoing and really quite extroverted. Some people would look at that and say that I conformed with who the gay community said I should be. That's not how I look it. After I came out I was finally really comfortable with myself and it allowed for who I really was to finally come out and in the process I found that I wanted and enjoyed a lot of things that would have horrified my former self.

The closet is fundamentally a process of convincing yourself you want what you should want rather than what you do want. Some people come to this realization about the sex of their sex partners but about nothing else--most of the gay people I know who went about coming out that way aren't very happy. The gay people I know who are the most happy (and to be honest I think they are happier than most straight people--because most straight people don't have that shocking moment when they are forced to come out and acknowledge that what they really want may be different than what they want to want) are those who come out of that process entirely--and when you do that you end up a very different person than you could have even imagined. And that person people become when they finally really open up to what they really want is why I love gay people so much.

So my advise would be to dip your toe into every pool, even the ones that you think are "SO not me." I would have said that the bar and club scene was so not me. I used to get dragged to straight clubs by friends and kind of sit in the corner with my Sprite and moan to myself about how it was SO not me. But you know what? I found I loved the gay bar scene and I met a lot of great guys and we danced and carried on and had brunch and threw parties and cheered each other on. I did a lot of the things that people who deride the scene will tell you to do instead. I ran a gay book group. I did gay charitable work, gay political work. I tagged along to watch friends in their gay sports leagues and choirs. I even tried gay church for a while. And it was all wonderful. But you know what? Twenty-something years later the friends that really stuck, the friends that were really there for me through the highs and the lows, the friends that are still here--they were my "bar friends." Huh? What do you know...

I've been completely out for around twenty three years and been with my amazing partner (who I met in a gay bar) for eighteen years. I have done things my former self couldn't have even imagined--shocking things, glorious things, things that even if I had been able to imagine I probably wouldn't have thought I would enjoy. And it's been absolutely glorious. I won't say I don't have any regrets--but a lot fewer than most people I know. So yeah, be true to yourself, but realize that if you're doing it right, who that self is may change as all the shoulds of the closet fall away. Get out there and enjoy yourself--you might just be pleasantly surprised where you end up.

 

Could not have said it better than OGS; who you are is there for you to discover, and coming out of the closet tends to make that a thousand times easier!

Let go of your preconceptions of what the "scene" may or may not be, as an out gay man, you can become part of it and have a voice within it. I also have volunteered for the community, with a gay hotline and choir. Get to know what is now your community.

For a while, it felt weird for me to say "us" when referring to the LGBT community, but what happened, in fact, was that I finally accepted that I belong to a group that I have always belonged to. This is mind-boggling!

I am proud to be part of us, proud to have become myself and overjoyed at being able to love whomever I choose.

 

OGS and skiff really have it down with advice.

Sometimes you have to extend outside your comfort zone to see if you'll like something or not.

Just recently went out on the town with a few gay friends. We had dinner and drinks at a gay bar, then hopped over to a drag show (my first ever.) I'd never been interested in it before, but it was fun. I sang along to the music, watched them dance, got even more drunk (to the point we took a cab home.) I'd have never had the balls to go do something like that before this process of coming out.

 

When I came to my therapist with a similar question, he advised me to join a group that with whom I shared an interest. So I joined the RGMC, a gay choral group, and a gay book club. This introduced me gay men who range from leather to pearls, many to whom I would never gravitate. I also found a gay friendly church. Bars came later, and I found through friends I made, a pub I felt comfortable.

Good luck.

 

I am in same situation as well. Fortunately I have kids that I have always been honest with and they love and accept me just the same. My gf.....not so much. She keeps wondering what she can do to "make it right" and thinks I'm making a choice to be gay. The only choice I'm making is to stop trying to deny the way I feel. And as I accept that part of me more, I find that I'm noticing guys more and seeing them differently than before. That said, I am very nervous figuring I will end up alone due to the fact that I am so shy.

 

So, research what you can do to make yourself less shy. And then do that.

I was a complete introvert, and only dating women when my wife (not at the time, we worked together at the same company) asked me out to a Sting concert. We started dating after that. We had things we liked to do in common. We ended up in a 21 year marriage, the last 5 of which have been a nightmare for various reasons (including depression.) I've only dated 4 women in my life.

Since, I came out last year, and especially recently as I've embraced a role for myself. I'm being hit up left and right on the hookup apps. I'm getting to be pretty selective, though last night was a bust for what I wanted. First hookup went ok, two through four all flaked out.

Therapy has helped reduce the amount of anxiety I have in a lot of situations. Maybe a little to much at times right now. But it has made me more social, with a balance of medication. It's worked for me.

There are probably other things you can do out there on the internet ready for a search or two.

 

Yep - all advice above is good. We are all different, but I agree we could just slide into a 'safe' gay version of of our previous straight persona. So take some risks, don't 'pre-judge'. Join LGBT groups (whatever takes your fancy or may be even some things that don't). Main thing is to 'bite the bullet' and just do stuff. Your heart will tell you what fits and what doesn't…. though don't let your head (conditioned by decades of suppressing the real you) trick you!

 

I just wish we could split amicably. I know she will take two of our 3 girls. And my world revolves around my girls so not seeing them everyday is a horrible thought. I'm not looking to dive right into anything else tho as I know I need time to get myself in a better position mentally so as not to make impulsive (possibly reckless) decisions.

 

Hi LOC, I totally understand where you are coming from. I'm 48, Transgender, and have kids. I'm terrified of the day that I will have to explain to the kids, and even more scared of the prospect of spending the rest of my life alone.

We have to have faith that it will all work out, and we will find our own.

 

As the others have said, take it one day at a time. I can certainly relate to your story. I didn't really come into my own and beginning to accept I was gay until my mid-20s. It's hardly being 40 with a wife and kid(s), but I fully understand the difficulty of going from someone your entire world knows as straight, and suddenly throwing a wrench in everyone's perceptions.

You might want to begin your "gay journey" bu finding some close friends/family to come out to, and gradually come out to one person at a time. Build up trust with those you are fairly certain are supportive of LGBT people, and will understand your story. You need to build up a network of support and each time you hear "that's so great you've come to terms with who you are, I'm so happy for you," can be a massive confidence boost moving forward and help to shed away the anxiety of leaving the closet.

Beyond that, as the others have said, try to meet some fellow LGBT people in your community. meet-up groups, bowling leagues, PFLAG meetings, etc. Just know, the first couple of times you go, IT WILL PROBABLY BE WEIRD. It takes some time to adjust to the "gay world." Beyond that, perhaps try going to a gay bar. Either that or try online dating and seeing if you can meet someone for coffee. Just getting to chat with someone, meet someone knew and swap experiences can be a great chance to learn and grow.

You may also want to read Gareth Thomas' book Pride. He was (one of?) the first out professional rugby players, and until his 30s was married to a woman. The way he puts his struggles with his sexuality into prose is simply brilliant. There were more than a few passages in the book where I thought "this person gets me, this is exactly what I felt!" Highly recommended reading.

 

You only have one issue;

The complications denial brought into your life.

There is only one recipe to be an individual...

Buying into "gay lifestyle" stereotypes is as wrong as the straight closet.

Be yourself