Is a Heteronormative Life after coming out the best idea?

Well what exactly would you give up by moving in to a nice place together and setting down roots? It doesn't seem like you're scared of a commitment to him. Are you worried about having kids and starting a new family? Or do you mean freedom literally like going out at night and living like you're single?

I think most of us would love finding someone and settling down, but you've done that before. Maybe it's worth thinking about whether a second go at family life would be a better experience now that you're comfortable with who you are.

 

Dear OTH,
I came out late in life a year ago, and I wonder about the same things. I am now separated from my wife. While I know what it is like to be in a long term and committed relationship, I do not know what it is like to be with a man. This is all new to me, and I am afraid to even set any expectations. The men I meet have all been out for many years, and have an entirely different set of hopes and expectations.

I recently started seeing a wonderful man. He is kind, gentle, thoughtful, passionate. When I am with him, I feel a happiness I cannot even describe. It just comes up from inside. Is that love? Every part of me says yes, but it is all still so new. I know that he dreams of settling down. He is older than I, and has been out for many years. His previous relationships were in a time when marriage was unimaginable. Now that it is legally possible, he feels he can hope for it.

For myself, I feel like I need to take things one step at a time. I don't want to rush. And it would not be good for me, or anyone, if I move too fast.

I suspect the key is communication. Talking openly, honestly and with mutual care. If a relationship moves forward into some form of commitment, it needs that level of trust and the ability to talk things through. In your situation OTH, I thinK you need to trust your instincts, and listen to your feelings. What is behind the fears? What is lost and what is gained if your relationship moves forward? You have made enormous sacrifices to get to this place in life and to be able to accept yourself. Will the decisions you make uphold the dignity you have worked to achieve during this time?

Those are some thoughts that occur to me. I wish you well. More than that, I hope that you find joy and peace, whatever direction you choose.

 

Hi,

If he is a young man I can see his desire for kids.

But hertronormative is an illusion for straights too. What is the failure rate... 50%?

Why not charr your own course?

Kids.... That is a major commitment

 

Ummm...

4,000 mile white picket fence????

Nobody can raise kids that way... WEED WHACKING FENCE WOULD KILL YOU.

Both of you would need to alter careers. BOTH

 

This changes the general picture a lot.

Coming out and deciding to live your life authentically does automatically protect you from making choices which might still feel 'wrong' in a way.

If you have a shadow of doubt that *you* want to go thought with this- don't.
4000 miles is a huge distance to cross for a relationship- if something does not work out, *one of you* will end up disadvantaged, the power balance will shift, and you will end up living in an inauthentic relationship, again. You are not 20, you don't have an endless credit on making half-arsed decisions any more (although you might still have a few left)

The fact that you are supposed to make up your mind today, and that your are asking the question on the same day, is a *huge* red flag for the relationship: anyone needs more time to consider all the implications, and make a decision which will alter the life of one of you considerably.

 

I am just now getting to the point where I am ending my relationship of 14 years with my gf so that I can be out and I know already that I could see settling down and having that family life. I think it has more to do with that's just the type of person I am. I don't care for being single and I am in no rush (once this ends) to find someone else or just mess around. I don't see why that should even have a term such as "heteronornative". To me that just makes it sound like a gay or lesbian couple trying to do "straight things", when to me, happiness and commitment and a stable life should be universal wants.

 

In general, I find it both amusing and even a little odd when people swing the pendulum full tilt upon coming out. Like they say, "everything in moderation." Pick and choose what you want and need from your new and future personal relationships and social contacts. Most yards in America don't seem to have picket fences ... just lawns that come up to the sidewalks. Also, pets are way easier to take care of than kids. With kids, it almost seems like, again, people are catering to a societal expectation of what makes for a complete family. Personally, I don't recommend kids later in life. I was born to parents well into middle age (well, one of them) and they were already too weary to have provided the right sort of upbringing.