I have realized that I'm attracted to selfish guys, who want everything on their terms. The bad thing is that they play with my emotions, and I don't feel good about the relationship. I've done a lot of online research into it this evening, and it's not so much them but ME. I'm the sort of person that wants to help people & "fix" their problems. Naturally, selfish people are attracted to my need to assist them. In ALL the cases EVERYTHING was on their terms. Everywhere we went, what movies & TV we watched, bedroom stuff, ALWAYS on their terms and their terms were ALWAYS about controlling me. Making me late or me not going to work would give him a "buzz". Kisses just to keep me in bed so they had control by me messing up my routine. It's like they want to mess up my life, and they get pleasure from messing it up. I am determine to fix this issue, and I know it is mine. Maybe it's to do with me feeling needed, or maybe because I don't want to ever be selfish so if they are then I know I can't be.
well, the important thing is that you have figured it out. now you can do something about it. get to a support group if you're having a hard time doing what you need to do now. or if you don't need that, start setting the boundaries right away. don't become another selfish guy yourself, but don't be anybody's doormat either. respect others, and demand the same from others. and for those who can't honor that, DTMFA.
Hi Wildside, Thank you for your reply to my post. I am dealing with the issue myself by doing online research, and trying to understand why I keep going for that type. It seems that it is because I have a drive to offer people support & advice, so I therefore attract people who want that from others. The fact is that often people who appear to be in need of support/advice do so simply to prey upon people who want to protect them, and therefore take responsibility (so they don't have to).
wow, I guess I do have something in common with you. I am a nurturer by personality, and also a people pleaser. So people can take advantage of me by giving or withholding approval. I've been learning how to deal with it too. We just have to always be aware of it, and when we "catch ourselves in the act" we can choose to change the way we react. Good luck, and if you get any real flashes of insight along the way, please share them with me!!!
Wildside, if I "get any real flashes of insight" I will share them on this forum.Mmany thanks for your reply. I have found understanding the Karpman Drama Triangle very useful. Here is a link to a clip about it: www.youtube.com/watch?v=ear2psj1WNo This one is about understanding destructive relationships: www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYYOoWj8I2w
Cognito, your post reminded me of the Enneagram profile of "The Giver." Not sure if it applies to you, but I thought I'd share in case it might be of value: https://www.enneagram.net/type2.html
boundaries, boundaries, boundaries... Set appropriate boundaries and expectations for yourself for who and how much you are going to "help" someone. Also be more assertive in your relationship about what you want out of it. Be honest about it too. You also have to be careful that you aren't enabling bad behavior with your help. I've got a few guys right now I'm really into. The people I make the most intense connection with have not wanted anything from me in the way of help. They aren't looking for a savior, father figure, or mentor. They are looking for companionship, not just sex.
I had a similar issue when I was younger which I attributed to a low self esteem. As I developed confidence through life experiences, I found the need to be with someone "selfish" or more dominate disminished significantly. When I came out, I thought I was going to be attracted to the same type of guy as I was when I was younger, only to realize such a characteristic did not interest me.
I had a (female) partner who was like this with me, actually. And yes, you do need to do some soul-searching as to why you either attract, or are attracted by, those kinds of people. You have to truly believe, deep down, that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. Then your internal 'radar' will begin seeking out the right kinds of partners for you, as well as 'transmitting' the right kind of signal to others.
