New here

I'm also bi and married. I'm sorry things aren't going well in your marriage. I'm Going through a confusing time too. Happy to talk though... Once you get up to 10 posts, you can write on my wall.

 

Hey NurseH15, welcome to EC!

I trust you will find the support you need as you work through your discovery of who you are. Please also remember that this site is strictly for support and is not meant to be a dating site.

That said, I know you will be able to make friends with people who have gone, or are going through, what you are living now.

 

Hi NurseH15,

I am in much the same boat as you only from the male side. It is lonely, frustrating and confusing. I am also new to this site and I'm really enjoying reading all of the posts and for the first time feeling like there are many others out there like me. I hope that you enjoy connecting with people here.

 

My sincere apologies if I offended you, I tend to err on the side of caution, and sometimes I may overstep the bounds, please enjoy your time here!

 

ECs (Empty Closets) is a surprising sight. At first I didn't see much value in it. But after sticking with it a bit I learned ECs offers much support and information. Some information can be found in past posts.

 

Welcome NurseH15! A lot of us in the same boat (myself included). A lot of help without the judgement.

 

Hi NurseH15!

Same here!
Your post inspired me to register!
I have been reading on this site for quite a while, now it's time to say hi!
I'm married with two little kids, discovered some years ago that I might be bi and have now madly fallen in love with the most amazing woman on earth...
She lives on a different continent though, which makes matters (much!) worse ... and is in a (lesbian) relationship herself.
We have just spent an incredible week together... in bed.

Coming back home after my first experience and realizing that I'm actually willing to give up everything here to be with her, scares the hell out of me.

So... a million questions, no answers so far.... and a lot of love to give.
I'd love to chat here, let's support each other!

 

How did your husband react to you spending a week in someone else's bed?

 

The best advice I can give is something I've seen to be true over and over again for many people who are questioning their sexuality while in a marriage:

Deal with your marriage first! If you are straying, or thinking about stepping outside of the marriage, or are feeling lonely and isolated, that is a problem in your MARRIAGE. You owe it to yourself, to the commitment you made, and to the other person, to figure out how you feel about the marriage, all other people in the world aside. You don't need to know if you need another woman, if your current marriage is a great relationship - if it were enough for you, you would not even be thinking about needing fulfillment with someone else. So I would say give it your best shot to figure out what is really missing from your marriage (if you're truly bi and not lesbian it's probably more than just female genitalia that's missing anyway), and see if there is anything left to salvage through counseling or otherwise. If not, remove yourself from that relationship FIRST, and then when you are a free woman you can revisit the sexuality issue and see if you want to date women. I find that questions about sexuality often confuse what is otherwise a fairly simple issue between a couple - they are just not happy, and are lacking emotional intimacy for whatever reason. Sometimes it's a fixable reason, sometimes it's not, but lying to someone you made a commitment to and connecting to someone else behind their back only makes things WAY more complicated and confusing, and hurts everybody in the process - all the more so if there are kids involved, who most of the time will find out and be terribly hurt and angry for years afterward.

Slow down and deal with one issue at a time, and if your marriage is really unhappy and unsalvagable as a complete relationship unto itself, then it would only be fairest to both of you to remove yourself so you can meet someone who meets MOST of your needs, not just a few. People sometimes confuse platonic friendships with marriages, and they are not the same thing at all. A marriage involves a romantic and sexual relationship too, not just a roommate situation. Both people deserve to be emotionally, sexually, and completely connected with another person, if that is their dream for themselves. When that connection isn't there, it either could be fixed, or it is better for both people to have the chance to move on and build a better life. Settling just makes people bitter in time, which is not good for anybody.

I've seen a lot of people find clarity when they dealt with what was missing from their marriage FIRST, and then dealt with the sexuality after.

It is WAY better to talk to a partner you have decided to leave about what is missing from the marriage, without ever mentioning the issue of wanting someone of a different sex from them. In most marriages, who you will seek out after them is really irrelevant, and only hurts and confuses them. They need the chance to see honestly what was MISSING in the marriage, and for most marriages that is an emotional bond, or trust, or common interests, or common values, etc. 95% of the time, sexuality never has to be brought up. All it does is provide a scapegoat for the partner anyway, and usually makes them take years longer to accept that the marriage really was not solvent. And if you cheat, they just blame you and the new partner, rather than openly have the chance to see where they could have worked on something for the future.

I hope these thoughts help. I urge everyone reading this NOT TO CHEAT! That choice causes years of destruction to your sense of self, to your new partners' abilities to trust you, and to your current partner. If you're sure an open marriage is the best solution, have the courage and civility to discuss it openly with your partner and get their consent. But I caution you, usually this is not a good solution and really hurts a lot of people in the process. If your marriage is missing something, adding new people's problems to it is only going to make everything worse. Finish one thing before you start another.

Speaking myself as someone who is bisexual and was married a long time, I thought causally about both women and men, but I was never compelled to go outside of my marriage while it was fulfilling and a great, trusting relationship. When a person does it for you, they really do it for you. There is a reason you fell in love in the first place (if you ever did). If you're absolutely sure you can't get that back, it's not a good marriage anymore. And it's not good ENOUGH for either of you. Women have nothing to do with that, they are simply a distraction from the pain that is going on inside the current situation.

 

@ bi2me

I must say that my husband is really a great person. We have been together 20 years, but our marriage has not been the best in the last couple of years, lacking intimacy and gentleness with each other.
It never occured to me that I might be attracted to women, until I fell in love with this woman overseas - we mostly had an online romance first and had met (platonically) once last year, when I wasn't ready yet to admit it all to myself.
When I finally did, it was all very surprising to me and I was still questioning it somehow, because I thought I might just be exaggerating and taking my deep feelings of friendship to a sexual level... I was confused.
I told my husband about it around Christmas and although he was shocked, he was really understanding.
I told him that I had the feeling that this might be something really important I would have to find out about my life and that I was hoping that he would understand.
We agreed that I wouldn't lie to him and that I would answer if he asked any questions.
When I went on a trip to meet my friend (she came to my continent, but we both traveled to meet up), I told him about it.
He never asked about any details and I didn't tell him any.
I know that it hurts him, and I hurt too, because it felt like I had to do this in order to find out if I am bi or even a lesbian.
I'm madly in love with this woman and she feels the same way about me.
So now, we have a pile of questions that we can't answer.
It hurts a lot, but it is also a very important time in my life, because I'm learning about my priorities and what I really need.
I know all of this sounds really selfish - especially after what RainbowBright has just written.
I would have liked to decide about my relationship without my first experience with a woman, but I couldn't do it.

 

Hi NurseH15.... Fantastic to have you here. You will certainly find peace, friendship and a shoulder to cry on here. Please don't ever feel lonely here - everyone is so lovely and so supportive. I've not long been out to myself as bi and am still very confused and unsure, but being here has certainly helped me feel much more confident in myself.
I myself, am bi and married. My marriage and my relationship is good, and very strong, and my loyalty and love for her is unquestioned.
I had doubts for a long time over my sexuality – not over my commitment to my wife, but as to whether I was straight, or bi. I’ve so often wondered why, when I’m out and about, as well as noticing girls, I’ve noticed guys as well and thought to myself (and still think) to myself “he’s handsome”?. In fact, probably guys, more so, Also, why do I seem to have so many gay friends?- which I’m quite happy about (they are brilliant and lovely people)- and why do I find myself listening to “Gaydio” sometimes, quite frequently actually, liking it and thinking is really good
Then, not very long ago at all, something happened – Someone I know, although not for very long, who is himself gay, sent me an inbox. He’s only young, and I genuinely don’t believe he was intending to hurt me, but could have had no idea of the impact what he was about to say, would have on me….. He said that lots of married men are secretly gay, and he asked me if I’d like to have an affair with him (obvious what he was thinking), saying it would be alright, my wife would never know. As I say, I genuinely don’t believe he was intending to hurt me, but it really shocked me and was a bit like a thunderbolt. It really got me thinking, and once again I started questioning my sexuality This time, more deeply than ever.
I have a couple of very good friends who I trust implicitly. I discussed with them how I was feeling at length, and they both said, just be honest with yourself, don’t be ashamed of anything and be proud of who you are. I thought about this very deeply, getting very emotional, confused, frightened, mixed up in the process – then finally, a week or so later, I realised I couldn’t go on kidding myself any longer, feeling I wasn’t doing myself any favours, and I came out to them as bi to these two good friends. Since then, I’ve been frightened, upset, and emotional, but am beginning to accept and come to terms with it. Despite still however, when I look in the mirror, thinking to myself, “My God, he’s bi”, I am feeling more and more proud and so much happier, now that I am understanding myself. I am so understanding why “Pride” is called just that.. I don’t feel “straight” anymore, I just feel myself.
My wife certainly isn't homophobic, but other members of her family are. I’ve heard things they’ve said – and they’re not nice at all. There are times I've been there, and have just want to go outside and burst into tears. She does know I have many friends, who are gay and bi, and there’s no problem there, but I can’t tell her about me, as you can imagine what the repercussions there would be. Placing that burden on here wouldn’t be fair on her.
My mother however is in her 80s and not in good health. With this, a messy divorce with my father, losing her other son (my brother to motor neurone disease) and then finding out her only surviving son is bi-sexual, I honestly think it would finish her, so, I can never say anything.
I hope you do feel comfortable and enjoy being here - everyone is great.

Welcome to you too jwes. Great to have you here. :welcome:

 

Hi confuseddreamer and all of you!

I can totally relate to what you wrote about your mother.
Mine is a bit younger, but terminally ill with cancer and if I mentioned anything about my troubles and thoughts about maybe moving abroad with the children, it would finish her as well and I would feel responsible for it.

It's so good to find that many of us are in the same boat.
Thank you!

@ NurseH15 : May I ask you how long you have been feeling like you and your husband aren't connected anymore?
I take it that you're still together because of the children?
Best wishes!

 

This is really interesting! I have long wanted to do this as well. I just struggle with whether I really need or want to with a man. I love the idea of taking a week like this with another guy. It sounds wonderful. However, this would cause a lot of pain in the family.

Do you think it cleared things up? Are you more certain of your sexuality now?

 

Yup, the week was amazing.
We lived in our own little bubble, just left the apartment to hunt for food and I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
Yes, it has definitely brought clarity, unexpectedly deep clarity...
It felt like coming home.
It felt like I have never belonged anywhere else.
It felt so natural and like the obvious choice that I'm still amazed by it.
Because I also still find men attractive, I take it that I'm bi. For now.
Although it doesn't feel like I need a label anymore.
The bad part is that we have also understood that we are very much in love with each other and that we want to be together...
That's where the pain and confusion comes in...
But that's the risk we took.

 

That sounds really intense simply_me. Good luck figuring this all out. message me if you ever want to chat...I don't have much to offer past empathy

 

The experience That I have is as follows: I'm gay, My wife is Bi, we are still together, I've had a lot of straight friends that got divorces.
All I would ask you is which relationship is worth the effort regardless of sexual orientation?
I know that is a super difficult question and it may take you years to answer it.
The nearest to an answer that I've got for my own journey is to be true to myself.
Everyone here, on EC, is here to help, listen to everyone but in the end listen to your own heart.

 

I would also urge you not to cheat, but I think that is different than having your spouse accepting of another sexual relationship. It's not where my marriage currently is, but I do wonder why we urge couples to not expect their spouse to fulfill all of their needs, but we don't include sexually in that.

I'm reading Sex at Dawn which discusses some of these issues. I do wonder why we are ok with our partners doing almost anything else "outside of the marriage" except have sex. I don't think my marriage is dependent on sex alone. My husband hasn't been open to that conversation yet.