I'm 35, and the past year i've come to realize that I'm a lesbian. Ive been with my husband for 9yrs, married 2. I'm terrified of telling him. He has depression issues and dosnt make friends, all his family is out of state... he has nobody but me. I don't want to hurt him, but the longer I try to ignore my feelings, the more depressed it makes me. I dont have depression issues myself chronicly, just since I really "woke up" and realized that im gay. I had a major panic attack today, i thought I was having a heart attack and I know its because of all of this. Honestly I wish it had been a heart attack. I dont know what to do, how to tell him, what to do if he has a nervous breakdown at finding out... im just, so lost. I dont want to come out, he was my best friend for years and it would kill him. I feel like either way i'll be miserable. I feel stupid for even posting this but I dont really know what to do Or how to do it. I feel stupid for it all. I feel stupid for not realizing this years ago, and what if i have another epiphany that im not gay down the line?!?! how could I not know for so long? Im just so confused < im so freaked out.
Hi figgy, Would your husband consider going to joint therapy (if there is such a thing)? He could get help for his depression and with the help of the therapist, maybe you could come out to him in a controlled environment. Don't worry. You're not stupid. I honestly think it's harder for women to figure this out than men. It takes a while for our brains to finally get to, "Oh, I'm gay. That explains a lot." Go back through some older posts. You'll see, there are many stories just like yours.
You're worried about other people (your husband) and that's how people get in this mess in the first place (worrying about what other people think). You don't know what other people think. This could be a good thing for your husband. Maybe he's gay? Maybe he has a GF and wants to dump you? Maybe after 9 years he wants a change? Who knows? I was in the same situation you're in. I didn't have to say anything to my wife. She ran off with another man before I had a chance! What should you do? The answer is easy. Be honest. If you're a lesbian then be the best lesbian you can be. Your husband is a grown man. He'll get over it. If he's depressed and alone he might go off the deep end. That's not your problem.
This could be really helpful. After I came out to my husband we ended up seeing the same therapist. We went to her separately, I think that was best for our situation. It helped so much. There's a lot to deal with and it isn't something anyone can handle well without support.
Hi Figgy, I just wanted to say, please don't feel stupid about any of your feelings or posting about it. Not stupid. It's a new chapter in your life. You are not alone. You said you are 'waking up' and many people don't wake up at ALL, ever. It's heartbreaking and painful but you are being true to yourself, which will make a better and more authentic version of yourself. I also agree with the above about seeing a therapist if you can; as a couple or on your own if your husband won't participate. Reach out to people you trust and can confide in. If it helps, I'm 40 and the past year was finally able to admit it to myself (and a few friends) that I am gay. I was amazed at the support I've received. I denied for many years. I want to congratulate you for reaching out here. You'll get to a good place, be true to yourself.
I would strongly advise you to speak to a therapist/psychologist about this, since you're not only dealing with your sexual orientation, but also depression. In addition, it involves another individual would make things more difficult. I've benefited from seeking outside help, so it should definitely benefit you as well. If you do decide to speak to someone, make sure they can be someone that you can tell anything to, and will not be judgmental towards you.
I can relate to your situation. I am 41 and have discovered that I am bisexual recently. I told my husband who was supportive. However, my husband is bisexual, more on the gay side so he was understanding. I found out about my husband's bisexuality through web sites in our computer's history. This is not a good way to find out! It will be hard but I recommend that you tell him yourself as soon as possible. I suffer from depression too and even though he might not take it well it is better for him to hear about this from you directly. If you live in a larger city there might be a coming out group at a LBGTQ community center for support. I am waiting for the group to start up again in my community. Or counseling at free or low cost.
I can relate although I'm quite a bit younger and am 26. Coming out is really hard. This has happened twice to me in terms of being around people at school and hiding my feelings for two girls I really liked. The best thing I can tell you is don't feel like you need to hide it because honestly that can just prolong anxiety and/ depression. You are "being you" and that is extremely important. I don't even think I legitimately started to question my sexuality fully until I was 18 aside from being 9 years old. It takes time to really understand yourself and explore different aspects of you through life experiences. I think the hardest part of coming out too is "fear of rejection" and honestly that is completely normal. Just be prepared for any type of reaction. Know that they might not accept it the first time and it might take some time and that's ok, because it WILL get better in time