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More than once

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Thirdtimecharm, Apr 19, 2015.

  1. Thirdtimecharm

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    I know everyone says ur supposed to be you, live how you want, love who you want. But sometimes that is so difficult. Esp if you grew up like I did, religious background, conservative parents, extreme feelings of guilt which caused u to suffocate certain feelings. The plan for those who grew up similar to how I grew up was to go to school, get good grades, meet a boy, get married, buy a house, have somr kids and start a family. I did just that. Bc I was supposed to. Not without hiccups or stumbling blocks. When i was younger I had an extremely close relationship with a friend of mine, female, and I began having all these, "strange" (bc in my world they were) feelings for her. She became my best friend. We did everything together, but after more time passed I stated realizing that there was more than just friends feelings that I had for her. Wasn't sure how she felt, still not exactly clear. That relationship/friendship ended badly. It never was a true relationship bc it as forbidden according to what I was taught esp back decades ago when being in a same sex relationship was not as accepted as it is today. I suffocated my feelings for her, and just took what I could get. Both of us moved forward with our lives, married, had kids. A number of years ago we had a fight and have stopped our friendship. Knowing her and loving her was the most painful experience of my life. I loved her without a return, or even acknowledgement. Looking back on our "breakup" now I see it was for the better. I thought my feelings for her was a one time deal. Never had feelings like that for another woman. Until recently. I met someone. We communicate virtually and on the phone. I have never met her in person but we have shared a lot of experiences. From back and forth texting, flirting, even a bit more. I found myself becoming taken by this connection and my contact with her. I felt Things talking to her and sharing with her that I never felt before. Esp not with a man. I have developed feelings for her and try and not give them too much power bc my communication with her is completely virtual. I am not naive in thinking it could lead to anything bc she has made it clear to me that she does not feel the same for me. We remain friends, however it is a bit agonizing for me...bc of how I feel.

    I guess the point is through this new connection I have allowed myself to let go. Acknowledge that I have feelings for women and that is a scary thing for me.
    I am currently married with children. Sometimes I feel stuck. Sometimes I have extreme guilt bc I have accepted that I am attracted to women. I have love for my husband. He knows about my attraction to women. He just looks at the physical part and doesn't understand that for me the connection with a woman is what is desirable to me and the physical part would be a bonus. I don't want to leave my family. I don't think I know how. But I also am having a hard time with my new found acceptance of my sexuality. And staying married. And being a mom. I grapple with it every day. I want my family...but I have this strong desire to explore my sexuality. As much as hiding my feelings when I was younger suffocated me, now accepting my sexuality and feeling like I cannot do anything about it is just as suffocating. I feel lost, sometimes trapped. Sometimes tortured.

    That's me in a nutshell. The big picture. I guess I don't know what to do or who to be. I feel that struggling with this is causing me to fall into a depression a bit. I don't want to hurt anyone....but I am beginning to feel that there is this entire part of me that I didn't allow to grow and now that I have said things out loud I feel I cannot stop. And I want it to grow but I am kinda trapped...ugh.
     
    #1 Thirdtimecharm, Apr 19, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2015
  2. bi2me

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  3. maybgayguy

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    I feel this exact same way....there are many of us here who feel this way. Hope this site helps.
     
  4. skiff

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    Hi,

    Take a new perspectitive.

    Society and all its instutions are an illusion. Mankind, the one species that twists love into a weapon to hurt, mame and kill over.

    When you see it for its naked truth you no longer fight to conform, to "belong". That is when you can live your opening lines...
     
  5. Miss PH fan

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    I'm touched by your story. I have been out since I was 20, and I had a few boyfriends when I was a teenager, but then I fell in love with my best friend (a woman) and realized I had to be honest to myself and my family. So I outed to my oldest sister first, and then my parents and the rest of my siblings. You probably guess now that I never married a guy, nor I have kids, but I understand your situation.

    I have been in long distance relationships twice. The first time I had to explain everybody how real it felt, how happy I was every time she texted me, or talked to me by phone. There was no Skype, nor Facebook by then, it was like 13 years ago, so falling in love with someone who lived miles away from you was not as common as it is today (also, more and more people are online nowadays so it's somehow easier to meet people in a virtual environment). When we met, we knew our feelings were real and deep; we moved together after two years. Love didn't last more than three years, but we broke up amicably.
    When I met someone online for the second time, no one was surprised. It was two years ago, didn't last much, but what I'm trying to say here, is that I'm an expert when it comes to load distance relationships. So I definitely understand what you're going through with this lady. So sad to hear she doesn't feel the same for you, but is she sure? I mean, she could be confused.. Because let me tell you something: to spend a lot of time talking to someone only in a friendly manner doesn't make sense. Unless she's just that nice, I don't know.

    Now, you sure deserve to explore your sexuality with a woman. I live in Mexico, a very religious and conservative country (also, mexican people are very very homophobic), so not everyone feel free to be out. So, what some women do, is to set up an account on dating sites saying they are married but want to explore their sexuality, so they are looking for a woman who wants to do the same but willing to keep it a secret. They make it clear, that whoever may reply should be respectful. Some of these women even call for ladies living in the same situation: some how they think it's better, because they will fully understand. So, I'm not saying you should do the same, because honestly, I ignore if something like that is even possible in your country: I'm only telling you what I know women do here to explore their sexuality in spite of all the difficulties.

    Anyway, if you need to talk, I'll be there :slight_smile:

    I hope you find a way to sort out the problems. Good luck!!
     
  6. Thirdtimecharm

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    Thanks maybgayguy. I think support is very much what I need. It's not an easy subject to discuss and it's hard to really find someone who understands.

    ---------- Post added 19th Apr 2015 at 05:33 PM ----------

    Thanks bi2me :slight_smile:
     
  7. Thirdtimecharm

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    Skiff,

    One of my main issues is my religious institution which I don't feel so tied to now, but grew up in. Some of that stuff is ingrained in who I am. It's been several years, decades of trying to change my mindset and stop being so afraid. It's very difficult when u have a family that is involved as well. There are so many who can possibly get hurt if I chose to leave...

    ---------- Post added 19th Apr 2015 at 05:48 PM ----------

    Miss PH Fan,
    Thanks for the kind words. My initial experience with my childhood friend has left me really messed up emotionally. The back and forth. The teasing and the hiding and denying. As we got older it got worse. Then we both married, had kids, but it was still there. And I wanted it to be. I wanted her so bad. Buy knew it could never happen bc it was just an impossible situation.

    With this recent connection, I feel it's very real. I sometimes wonder if I feel the way I do bc she is the first one to really reciprocate. The Obvious flirting, banter, suggestive talk. I think I was probably a rebound for her. I don't think I was anything more. But I got lost in the connection. We talk daily. Most of the day. From early morning until night. Few breaks in between but usually never more than an hour or two at the most. She says were friends. My heart thinks it's a bit more. But again i am married and it's just really not something I should get that involved in. I feel at this point it's too late. I wonder if I can continue with just the friendship.

    My husband has suggested bringing in a woman. For a threesome. Bless his little wandering mind. He thinks it's all physical. I of course wouldn't mind exploring but for me I want an emotional connection. The physical part I am sure would be amazing, but it's the emotional
    Part that really interests me.

    This is such a roller coaster. Thrilling but emotionally exhausting. I have almost resigned myself to just putting this part, the part that is interested in women, back inside some deep place inside. It's too difficult. And it's not practical for me to continue to want something I probably won't ever have.

    Thanks for the offer to talk. I am also here too. I can be a good listener.
     
  8. Miss PH fan

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    I think I see things more clear now. I know everything is hard and complicated, but it's not fair for you to give up and deny yourself the chance to be happy. Have you tried to make your husband understand you need something more than sex with a woman, that you need that connection you talk about? He's maybe not getting it.
    Probably it's for the best to stop talking to this lady. She must know you're very fond of her, and maybe that makes her feel good (it's good for her ego or something). But what about you? It sounds to me that whatever it is that you two have, is making you unhappy. So, please try to do something that helps you feel better. People in this site are wonderful and I'm sure you'll find someone who's gonna give you better advice than I do :slight_smile:
    However, I'm still up for talking, anytime :slight_smile:
     
  9. maybgayguy

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    Yeah...I can't imagine my wife would go for a threesome. However, even if she did, I can't imagine how awkward that would be. I just want to concentrate about being with another man fully and not worry how she would feel. I want to connect emotionally with him before and after. I just want a guy I guess.

    ---------- Post added 19th Apr 2015 at 05:19 PM ----------

    I think I will do this too. I does make me very sad however.
     
    #9 maybgayguy, Apr 19, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2015
  10. Thirdtimecharm

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    Thanks Miss PH Fan.
    In the back of my mind I know I should probably stop talking to her, but I can't. I don't want to. I enjoy her too much. It hurts my heart to talk to her sometimes and she knows that. And so do I. I am an active participant. I trying to learn to pull back, but it's hard.

    If I bring up an emotional
    Connection with a woman---he immediately states it's cheating and I don't disagree. In
    Trying to reconcile being married and wanting a relationship with a woman....it's so hard.

    Thanks for the kind words. I appreciate it :slight_smile: more than happy to talk as well. It's good to have support.
     
  11. skiff

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    Hi,

    I stated all institutions of society are an illusion. You indicated your losses, complications if you come out.

    If those things happen you prove the illusion. All your energy is going into maintaining the illusion.

    In short you are fighting yourself to keep something that only exists if you live a lie.

    So what is real; the lie you live or the lie society offers?

    Change your perspective and the lies all falls away.
     
  12. bi2me

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    Are you happy in your marriage? That needs to be your first decision. I mean in all (reasonable) ways, including sexually. If you are, you should avoid cheating if you can. Find other ways to meet your needs or work out an arrangement. If you aren't happy, still avoid it if you can, and get out when you can.
     
  13. Thirdtimecharm

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    Bi2me, I am not happy but I am not unhappy. I function. I am committed but lately it's more about obligation than want or need. It saddens me. Bc I want it to be about love and it's not. Currently I am not really interested in sex with my husband at all. But I feel it's part of my "job" so I participate. How awful right?
     
  14. bi2me

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    I'm sorry... It sounds like you are in a rough spot.

    Have you reached the point where you need to make a change regardless of sexuality? Like, even if you weren't ready to be out, are you ready to leave?
     
  15. Thirdtimecharm

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    Bi2Me, I have considered leaving several times. But I don't. There are so many reasons I don't. It's all a very frightening thought to me. Losing my family as it is now, my house, everything. It is what I have wanted for as long as I can remember.