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New and confused

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by intro55, Apr 20, 2015.

  1. intro55

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    Hi everyone,
    I have recently joined and read a number of threads that I can really relate to, so wanted to share my situation and hopefully get some advise.
    I have been married 10 years in my 40s with 2 great kids and lead a straight life. That said I have alway fantasied about guys, ever since my teens, but just put this down to being curious. Through my 20s I guess I fantasied about both men and women but gradually noticed I was more interested in thinking about guys, despite leading a straight lifestyle, having occaisional girlfrieds and getting married. I guess I kind of denied my fantasies or only thought about it occaisionally as I was ashamed that I found it exciting. Throughout my 30s and 40s these fantasisies and desires have become stronger and stronger. I only really think about guys now sexually and haven't had straight sex for ages, or missed it. I have kind of accepted it in myself that its not just fanstasies any more and that I do really fancy men. Despite all this I still find it really diffcult to try and accept my sexuality. I still find women attractive to look at, although I don't feel a strong sexual attraction and I still look back to my earlier years when I had good relationships with girls. I guess there's always someway in the back of your mind to deny things that you maybe don't want to accept.
    I suppose in my own mind I'd like to know for sure but what makes this really difficult is that a lot of advice suggests that if you are unsure then try experimenting find out. Thats fine if you're single, but if you are married and don;t want to be unfaithful then its not much use. So I just wandered how other people dealt with this kind of acceptance.
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    Welcome to EC! I am sure you will find a lot of helpful advice based on everyones experiences. Unlike you, I did have sexual encounters with men before I was married, so I had that experience already planted in my head. So when I came out to myself, I did not need to experiment to help with my decision.

    By your accounts, it does sound like you are well down the path on your own journey and have strong indications as to which way your leaning. You do not discuss what type of relationship you have with your wife, although you do mention that you have not had straight sex for ages.

    Do you think your wife already suspects? At the same time, do you have an otherwise open and respectable relationship with one another? If so, have you considered talking to her about some of the thoughts you are having? This might open the door to allow you to experiment and help you conclude one way or another.
     
  3. skiff

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    My advice...

    A professional can help guide you to your answer.

    Choose one with proper experience in this
     
  4. intro55

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    Hi and thanks for your comments. Whilst i do have a good relationship with my wife I really don't think she'd understand and I couldn't really blame her for that. If I did talk about it i'd want to be really sure first. I don't think she suspects though.
    I have looked at professional advice but it is expensive unfortunately.
    Thanks again.
     
  5. Electra

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    Welcome to EC! Hope you find good support and advice here?

    Although professional advice does cost money - if you choose someone who specialises in this area it is money well spent. Talking through things to someone impartial just makes it all real and for me unblocked lots of stuff.

    Looking at what you wrote in your opening post the sentence that jumped out at me was: "That said I have alway fantasied about guys, ever since my teens, but just put this down to being curious. Through my 20s I guess I fantasied about both men and women but gradually noticed I was more interested in thinking about guys".

    What do you mean by "just being curious"? If your sexual fantasies are about men then you are gay. Sex is based on what you are attracted to. Attraction has to start with fantasies I think. When you say "you guess" you fantasied about men and women - why are you unsure? What were your fantasies about women like? Different? The same?

    When I used to tell people and myself i was bisexual (in my 20s and 30s too) fantasies about women were very forced and took effort (up to and including having girlfriends and trying to enjoy sex with them) and basically in retrospect were a desperate attempt by myself to not admit I was actually pretty much 100% gay.

    I did and do find women aesthetically attractive and I did on an emotional level truly 'love' my girlfriends, but behind it all my true, natural, easy attractions and impulses and lusts were for men. In the end I had to reluctantly admit (to myself, to close friends and eventually openly to the world) that I was and always had been gay.

    I don't have the complication of a wife and kids like you do, but may be the questions you need to ask is why do you not want to go with and admit and accept and celebrate that you fantasise about men? What is stopping you? What are the barriers? Is there shame? Is there self-disgust? Is there fear? Hard questions i know…
    G
    ood luck with the journey you have started…it will be worth it in the end. For me the relief of at last been honest and authentic makes it daily all worthwhile
     
  6. intro55

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    Hi thanks very much for your post. I suppose I mean that I put my fantasies down to being "bi/curious" rather than thinking and considering that I might be gay, it was avoiding the issue I suppose. I did used to fantasize about women too but like you it took more effort and I started to find it easier thinking about guys...
    Why don't I go with it? Most of the reasons you say but shame mainly I guess...
     
  7. Electra

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    There is a great organisation in London called the Quest that you might want to google. Group therapy can be another powerful option..
     
  8. intro55

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    Hi and thanks for that, I really do think I need some form of help for this, certainly struggling to deal with it on my own.
     
  9. intro55

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    Have change my orientation on EC from "Questioning" to "Gay" and back again every day over the last couple of weeks. So confusing... back to gay at the moment, hopefully I can leave it like that for a while.
     
  10. intro55

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    Update from me, still fairly new but not so confused any more. Having looked at so many threads on here, its so nice to see a number of people in the same situation as me. I have fully accepted my attraction to men and actually feels good, no more denial there. My difficulty has always been how I really feel about women. I suppose I always thought orientation was a three way thing, straight, bi or gay and bi didn't just didn't feel right for me but I wasn't convinced I was gay. So I have been looking into various studies into orientation and Kinsey in particular I can now see that having some attraction to women albeit occasionally makes sense now and helps me understand where I am now. I would say I am near a 5 on the scale but have at times been nearer a 4. But also I have realised, as a lot of people say, there's no need to label myself now but just to accept how you feel. If I did come out then I would probably identify as gay but I am not near that yet so why worry trying to label yourself. So for the time being am just getting comfortable with accepting who I am.
     
  11. OnTheHighway

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    Its all baby steps, and your on a journey. Keep us apprised and ask questions. We have been down the road, many are still going down the road, and others are only beginning; but you, and everyone else, benefits when you post.

    Let your self settle into your new found acceptance, and only proceed with the next steps when you are ready.
     
  12. womaninamber

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    I can relate to your story -- in college I had fantasies about men and women. More men than women, but when I did fantasize about women I enjoyed it. Then I got married to a man and joined a homophobic religion and eventually had a child. I was sexually attracted to my husband, and definitely loved him, but I never enjoyed sex. And I stopped letting myself fantasize about women and told myself I had just been curious.

    I still fantasize about men but usually only my specific celebrity crushes, and I read and watch porn/erotica stuff featuring women. (Sorry for the TMI. And before anyone jumps on me, I know that the kind of porn you like doesn't necessarily determine your sexual preference...)

    Anyway I also got pretty confused. My marriage was falling apart for a variety of reasons, and I decided it would be a great idea to leave my husband and try to get with this younger woman I barely knew. It was not a great idea and nothing happened with her in the end, so the whole thing made me even more confused. I actually went back to my husband for a while but I didn't want to be in the religion anymore so in the end I got divorced.

    I don't mean to talk about myself so much. But I guess I'm telling this story as sort of a cautionary tale -- like people are saying, do things only when you're ready, and don't take any huge dramatic steps without thinking them through.
     
  13. intro55

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    Thanks for your comments and advice, greatly appreciated. It seems when you start to accept things then you want to move on quite quickly but then don't really think things through fully and look at all the consequences, so am definitely taking it slowly at the moment.