Does anyone else feel damaged by their coming out experience?

I feel for you I really do. When I was 13 I had a boyfriend briefly and he decided to tell everybody I was gay which caused me a great deal of heartache and pain. My parents were always total homophobes and I just had to continuously make out to them and everybody else that I was straight. I went out with girls and all sorts until even I believed I was straight. Now I can't stand my dad because I feel him more than anybody else is responsible for fucking my life up and it is fucked up. I never got any help or sympathy for what I was going through.

 

I don't know your parents' background, but their negative reaction towards your orientation was usually out of fear. Things that deviate from the "normal" standards, given their limited set of beliefs and prejudices, will immediately set of that trigger--I guess they were just trying to protect you (or themselves) from judgement. But whatever that is, it belongs in the past and the only thing you can do to ease your pain is to forgive them.

I know you've missed the part where you could've fully expressed your sexuality, but just see the events that unfolded as challenges that made you what you are today. The lessons you've learned, the experiences gained...they've made you stronger.

 

It seems like they're tolerant but not fully accepting of the gay community. My parents were also like that when I came out to them. Good thing I'd been already living away from them at that time. But I just proved to them that there's nothing wrong with it. Even until now I still have doubts if they've truly accepted me for who I am. They're never really upfront about it and whenever I and my partner visits them, I don't see them showing any signs of disapproval, instead they treat us with respect. I believe it's a good sign.

I understand you. It's not an easy and quick process. It's totally normal to say that things would've been different if certain things in the past were happening as you would've wanted them to happen. Take your time in reflecting from those events, why did they happen, why do you need to experience them. I know this is cliche but things really happen for a reason. When the time comes that you will know the answers, you will have a different outlook in life. Take your time and be open for new opportunities. And don't feel sad because you're not alone.

 

The way you describe your relationship now with your parents is exactly to a tee how I feel about mine at this point in time. Not entirely about my sexuality but a few different issues with each of them that have put a distance between us emotionally that i don't imagine with ever be repaired. It's a shame as I had close relationships with each of them at differing points in time that are only now memories, I'm not angry or bitter about any of it like you describe its just a sadness.

That being said I commend you for the effort you're making in coming here, I think all we can do is to try not to focus on yesterday and how today may have been different if yesterday had been. Today will be tomorrow's yesterday and there is no need to waste it buried in thoughts of what may have been.

 

I'll weigh in. I have had the same feelings but have channeled my feeling by a) my parents are both dead now. (Off topic: in fact it was my moms death that finally allowed me to ask myself, hey I might be gay.) We grew closer as they got closer to death - so it does get better. b) I have channeled my displeasure with my mom not to her personally but to society and religion. She was taught by society that homosexuality is wrong. c) I really fault the "control" and "exploit" types within Christianity for considering homosexuality wrong. These very limited few people are total freaks and DO NOT follow Christianity at all but are really on a "self agenda mode" very much like Jim Jones of the Jonestown massacre. d) the "venturi effect" You ever watch or observe people? Many of them jump on a band wagon of others just to feel accepted. So in the case of homophobia, people jump on the "homosexuality" is wrong band wagon because everyone else is.

Hope this helps.

 

I was mucho damaged before I came out...

this has helped straighten out and repair a lot of issues. But, I am in therapy...

 

Hi kindi14,
I hope that your therapist is a good person.