Hi all, Newbie here! My Story in a nutshell: I'm 60, married three times, I'm a retired disabled Army Vet , 1 daughter from my first marriage (31yrs. old. now). All my life up to about 1 year ago identified myself as Bisexual. Two years ago I went through male menopause. So sex or even the thought of sex was a turn off! My wife has been in menopause for the last 10 years. So sex has been nil for us. I came out of menopause about 6-months ago with a vengence! I have had NO desire for a woman whatsoever. Only men! In fact the last couple of boyfriends I've had, I have had very STRONG feelings for. All I ever do is fantasize being with a man. The only problem they were Bi not gay. So the friendships have come and gone. Doesn't help living in a very rural area. I'm out to myself at the moment but no one else except for my therapist. We are working on a few things. Mainly dealing with coming out so late in life. I been having problems dealing with the fact that I have wasted 45 years hiding behind a label and lieing to myself, family and friends. Now I find myself wanting and needing a man in my life but I'm afraid that if I really try and it happens, what about the uncertainties that I'm having at the moment? Would it be fair him to get into a relationship while I'm in therapy? Should I put finding a relationship on the back burner until I finish therapy? I'm not sure at this point on how many more sessions I'll be having but safe to say at least 4 more. So I figure once I'm able to come out to my wife and daughter I can start getting my life in order. Hopefully that will be very soon!
Welcome to EC! I wouldn't worry too much about finishing your therapy before beginning a relationship; some people are in therapy for years. Pretty much everyone on here would caution against cheating on a spouse. It sounds like you might have an open relationship though (?)... So maybe that isn't an issue. What are your goals with your wife as you come out? Do you think your identity has shifted or that you are swinging all the way to the gay side of bisexual?
but I take the Dan Savage position on this. If you are having sex with your wife, you can't have sex with others without her permission. but if you're not having sex any more, it's not cheating. I know that not everyone agrees with that, but what are you cheating her out of if she is not interested in sex with you?
Well, having read that approach for the first time, I guess everyone can put a positive spin on anything!
Welcome to EC...I would have to say on the point of having a relationship outside your marriage...Don't...First, reason is because you made a vow I would assume to be faithful...by breaking your word you dishonor yourself and your wife...I know it sounds old-fashioned, but it still has validity...Second, should your daughter find out you could easily do irreparable damage to that relationship...Third, do you really want to deal with an angrier spouse for having cheated physically on her and not just emotionally...one she may forgive the other not so much...As was mentioned before therapy usually doesn't have a set ending...I also don't suspect you'll be ready for a relationship until you've stopped mourning your marriage...sex, maybe, but not a relationship...Let me add we're the same age...life is too short to regret what might have been...just move forward...we're always here for your...best of luck following your new path.
You should put finding a relationship on the back burner until you come out to your wife. It wouldn't be fair to him to start a relationship with him until you end the one with your wife, however it ends.
Thanks for the advice! I'm in a open relationship with my wife and has been since day 1. There has been NO sex in 2 years+ between me and the wife. She actually gave me the green light about a year ago to have a relationship with another man. I actually haven't had a relationship other than just for just sex. Since I have just come out, I'm planning on informing the wife in the next day or so after I make some plans for just in case. Where I live there are no men out there looking for a relationship. Thus I will have to wait till I move out and move a lot closer to a major metropolis. I'm talking to a couple of men via email, one in Colorado and one in San Francisco. Both would be excellent matches. But can't go any further then we have till I can get out of here. So I'm looking at about a year before I can even get serious about a relationship anyway. My marriage is one of convenience only! SO no one will be totally heart broken at the end.
Your earlier post said you weren't out to your wife; now you are saying she gave you the "green light" to have a relationship with another man over a year ago? Confusing. Sounds like you need to complete a divorce with her before going any further with other men. What do you need therapy for if you already have accepted that you are gay and are looking for a male relationship?
I would think that after several years of no sex with him, she would have already figured that out, but maybe that is what he meant. Women in menopause or post-menopausal can certainly have sex if they want it. There is no male menopause as an event, just a gradual decline in testosterone over a long time frame, which can be avoided by testosterone supplementation if you want to. His statement of coming out of it "with a vengeance" suggests that he just was not interested in sex with his current wife, but is now acknowledging that he is 100% gay in his orientation, not really bisexual at all, and therefore enthusiastic about having sex again. The fact that he has been seeing boyfriends, presumably while still married to her and not interacting sexually with her, would pretty much confirm his orientation as gay, as it likely always has been. There are a great number of us who never understood exactly what we are, thanks to the homophobic environment we were raised in; the Army was certainly a prime example of that, with homosexual conduct treated as a court-martial offense in decades past; his story just seems like more collateral damage in the War against Homosexuality, which is still underway, even if we are winning battles lately. I wish him the best of luck in enjoying the remaining years of his life out and free to be himself.
