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hey guys, i need your help. 40 and in a crisis of depression

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by blkstallion40, Apr 24, 2015.

  1. hi guys, i needed your help. in order to really get help, i also have to be honest with my feelings. i can't really hold back if i want help. so don't judge me for being authentic to where i am right now.

    so where am i: @ basically knew i liked guys (i am a guy) all my life but hated this fact, kept it a secret, got teased at school for being gay although i wasn't doing anything with anyone (male or female). was physically attracted to both men and women but pursued girlfriends because i thought it was "normal" but would secretly have crushes on guys i liked but never told anyone. first sexual experience with a women kinda sucked. feared i was gay and went into self imposed religious celibacy for nearly a decade. trying to pray the gay away. didn't work. got a new girlfriend. sex was good. enjoyed it. YES!!! but why did i still wonder and have secret crushes on men? relationship ended around age 30. moved to a very gay friendly city and started to explore the same sex attraction.

    fast forward ten years later. never had a boyfriend. only short termed semi physical situations (not sex) with men that usually dumped me once no sex was forthcoming. a lot of one time dates and no follow up from men. a LOT of rejection from men but on the other hands TONS of acceptance and adulation from women? the more men rejected me or made me feel inferior, the more women would tell me how attractive i was and how much of a great catch i was. these women were hot, successful and great catches. problem was i was always more interested in the guy i was crushing on at the time versus the women that liked me. made me feel terrible inside. how come no guy wanted me...well they did but usually for some type of sex act. no thanks. never felt like a guy was truly interested in getting to know me but more interested in getting in my pants. turn off.

    so at 40 i am alone. all of my straight friends are married with teenage kids now (some). i feel like a loser and like maybe i made a mistake exploring being gay. it hasn't worked out. and now that i'm 40 it's like i'm a geriatric gay in the minds of many gay men. although women in their 20s find me attractive and flirt with me, men my own age or in their 30s seems to think i'm nursing home material. it's weird.

    also i have come out to family and some close friends and have even tried going to gay coming out groups and other gay activities to get more comfortable and accept my gayness/bi-ness. i also sought therapy to help. the problem is that the men i typically like are masculine so usually if i do not know if they are gay, odds are they are straight and will never be into me. then when i decided to stop living in straight crush fantasy world and go "gay", it just always seemed so outer limits and the guys never ever seemed the same as "my type" that i was interested in. all the lisps, the boyish behavior out of 30+ grown men, the flamboyancy....it just made me feel like "wow, i came out for this...?, wtf? sure people kept telling me "there are tons of types of gay men you would never know are gay..." but the problem is i have found those types of guys find the idea of going to anything "out and proud" a bit digusting and not for them, so they never go, so you usually get more of the "im here, i'm queer, get used to it" gays at these types of settings. which is great and i'm happy they are proud but it's usually just too much for a conversative person.

    instead of feeling better about myself, it makes me feel worse about myself that trying to make friends and even dare i say 'date' i have to sift through people that are well-meaning but just not the type of folks i can relate to. then if you say that or feel that, someone tells you are gay-hating or being homophobic. i just dont hate anyone i just want to meet the type of guy i would like to date but its almost like i have to accept that that will never happen and why should i ever expect to meet anyone that i am attracted to that is masculine and actually gay and we have a lot in common. i ask the Gods for too much i guess.

    overall, coming out hasn't really made me "great" and i'm wondering if it gets better or did i just ruin my life. i am trying more gay stuff and events and social groups and i always see guys with feminine mannerisms, lisps, and the like and although it's nothing wrong with it, it just makes me feel like i am being forced to pick from guys i would not be into and i never ever meet anyone at gay events that i think "wow, he's what i am looking for". yes, i am open to friends with all but at 40, i have been single for a decade and i'm lonely. sure i get sex requests but i do not take them but my resolve is weak and im' starting to think, "if you can't beat em, join em'. i never wanted this for my life and it just seems like it will never get better. im tired of seeing guys i am attracted to and having to smack my own hands because i know he is straight or he tells me he is straight and i look like a fool and then i have to think "ok, if i want to date, i have to pick from the gays and hope to Goodness i can find one that i am into". just seems like i wish i can meet a gay guy that im into that just so happens to be gay. i dont want much but i just want to receive what i think i offer. hasn't happend yet.

    thanks for listening or providing any help. if you just want to tell me im a self hating homophobe, just save it. i dont need you to kick me when i am already down.
     
  2. bi2me

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    I think each person is entitled to have a type preference. Be it masculine, feminine, blonde, fit, etc. I don't have any advice on meeting masculine men who are gay/bi, but hang in there. You didn't do anything wrong by trying to figure yourself out. You could be stuck in a marriage you hate with kids trying to find a way out like so many here.

    :goodluck: and :welcome:
     
  3. OnTheHighway

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    Your early experiences are familiar by many, so don't let that get you down. While in your 40's, it's called mid life for a reason - you still have a lot of time on the clock to make the most of it. As I say, I am playing the back nine and doing a better job than the first 9 given all the experience (or, in some cases lack of more negative experiences) I have.

    Rather than trying to find Mr Right, first find yourself more. Relax and don't take yourself so seriously or so focused on finding that one. Explore not only yourself but the gay community at large - the good, the bad and the ugly. I do believe there absolutely is a place for everyone, but time is needed to find it.

    Get involved in different activities and Organizational. Push your boundaries. Social groups, charitable organisations, sport leagues, bars, apps, etc. Try them all out. Every person, regardless of characteristic - bear, otter, twink, jock, muscle, geek, rich, poor, white black, Asian, Latin etc etc etc can find common ground with others. I firmly believe this.

    But it does take an effort on your part. It will not drop in your lap. You need to be proactive and make it happen.
     
  4. tscott

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    Ditto...Organizations were the answer for me...I Like to sing so I joined the gay men's chorus...everyone was very supportive...they've become my new family...there are guys of every stripe...uber-masculine to glitter nail polish and shoulder duster earrings...most are everyday looking and "straight-acting"...Good luck...You haven't ruined your life...you've just begun it.
     
  5. Yossarian

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    If you want to meet "masculine" gay men, then you need to go where masculine men go and do the things they like to do. Some of them are going to be gay, even if they look straight at first glance. They may be in the closet looking just as you are. There is nothing to stop you from being the visibly gay guy doing masculine things. Maybe you put on a rainbow bracelet or a rainbow neck bead string, or just wear a T-shirt that gets the message across. If you hide from them, as they may be hiding from you, you are not too likely to find each other. There are also sites like Real Jock or the boxing-wrestling sites where you can find people who are more masculine, if you want to use online help channels. You may have to risk exposing yourself as gay in settings which are ones where heterosexual jocks predominate, but sooner or later you will find that guy who is looking for the same thing you are, but reluctant to tip his hand. Give him help to find you by being more open.
     
  6. skiff

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    Hi,

    I am over 50 and gay walking dead to certain gay men. But then they have a lot more issues than age blindness in my opinion.

    Forget the shallow gay men out there. Unimportant.

    You may be shopping in wrong store, trade up.
     
  7. Damien

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    Hi blkstallion,
    firstly, welcome to ec. :slight_smile:

    I can relate to quite a bit of what you wrote. I even once tried to 'get rid' of my sexual desire through daily meditation practices, fasting, etc. Didn't work lol.

    I wish I could offer comfort but I'm in a similar situation to yourself. I am 46, and although folks generally think I am younger than this, it is now clear that Im over 30 at least. I don't have that 'young' look about me anymore. Hence, I too am thinking that maybe I began accepting that I wanted to explore being with a guy, too late in life. Oh if only I had woken up to this in my twenties, I'd have had a hell of a good time. (But looking on the bright side, knowing me I would have possibly taken a few risks I would never take now, and maybe have contracted a disease, who knows...but here I am, healthy, middle aged, lonely, and sexually and romantically unfulfilled...)

    I'm thinking about giving up on the idea. As a bisexual, I could still be with a woman. (I can hear the folks who dislike bi's thinking, "see! that's what we're talking about, this ability to just 'switch back' to women again, if need be...that's why bi's can't really be trusted"). But to be honest I yearn to know what it would be like to be intimate with a guy, and I don't just mean sex, I mean really liking each other, doing things together, cuddling up and looking deeply into each others' eyes kind of intimate. I'm beginning to think that this is just not gonna happen for me, and I'm ready to give up. Sorry this is probably not helping, but at least you know someone else knows how this frustration feels...

    Honestly, if you are bisexual then why not just be with a woman you are truly attracted to and like, and see where it leads? This is what I'm considering, going back to dating women again. If I could only get the motivation, that is...for some reason I just never make the effort. But in your case it sounds like quite a few of them make a point of letting you know, that they like you.

    I hope you can work things out. As for myself, I just want to get through this one day. I'm actually suffering from some kind of affliction myself. 'Mild anxiety and depression' is what my doctor wrote on a referral form once. I think that's probaby true.
     
  8. Damien

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    Hi,
    sorry for having written this earlier. I allowed my own sense of despair to tarnish my reply.

    What I really believe is this: Go for what you really want in life, and never give up until you achieve it. Don't settle for anything else.

    Damien.

    [​IMG]
     
    #8 Damien, Apr 27, 2015
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  9. user199

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    I have to agree with Damien here..if you can its much easier to be in a relationship with a woman. unfortunately the hidden truth behind gay dating/lifestyle is unless you are driven by sex and lust your chances of getting into a relationship are negligible..unlike in straight world majority of relationships in gay world originate via hookups..if you try to bring in your straight world sensibilities and ideals of healthy dating/relationship you will be disappointed..in short in majority of cases in the name of healthy dating/relationship you will end up kissing a lot of frogs before you finally give in and end up with one..
     
    #9 user199, Apr 27, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2015
  10. thank you thank you thank so much for sharing. well the main reason i have not chucked this and just went back to dating women is because there's this hope deep inside that i may meet "him". "he' is the guy that i find attractive and also that is looking for the same thing i am looking for. he wants to get to know me for me. not me for sex. and he also wants to wait for sex until we both get comfortable. he wants to go on dates with me and we can go do stuff together (weekend trips) or cuddle or just watch tv together. everything with him wont be about sex or just doing those things to get sex but it will be because he really likes me for me. maybe it's a stupid idea to want that and heaven forbid want that from someone you're actually attracted to. but that hope is what has kept me trying. i also know that i am flexible with what i find attractive but at the end of the day, i have to think they are attractive if i am going to be interested in something more than platonic. and trust me, i have found some people hot that others have barfed over. but since we never know who is gay or not out in the big bad straight world. you're kinda stuck with being forced to go to "gay" labeled stuff to find someone and unfortunately, those guys just never do it for me. i think it takes a lot of courage to be out and to risk everything to be out and so because of that, many guys are gay but dont want to go to gay stuff for this reason. maybe they are not ready to risk it, maybe they are scared, maybe they want to keep things discreet, maybe they are not into outwardly gay men. but for all those reasons, the very guys i would like that are gay are also the usually the guys that dont want to go to anything gay. so it makes it harder for me.

    yes, i have thought about just going back to women but a part of me feels "tainted" in a way with all my gay exploration and that i'm stuck with being gay or deal with the hassle of the gays that know trying to out me to straights as being "down low" or in hiding. at this pioint i would have to tell a women i was seriously dating that i am attracted to both but a monogomous kinda guy. i guess there is the shame and fear of rejection with that. and also, there's this faint hope (faint now because i'm starting to think it will never happen) that maybe just maybe as soon as I get with a great woman, "he" will show up in my life and then what will i do.

    maybe "he" is just a fantasy but i mean on facebook, i see a lot of "he's". but they are married and straight and have family and posting family time pics and stuff and so i know monogomous attractive masculine men exist that care more about things than sex, but sadly am just not exposed to those type of gay men. i know they are out there, but where? i feel like i have tried it all and its like you have to get use to and accept the "gayness" (which to me means all the cultural/learned sayings, mannerisms, campiness, etc. clothing choices/styles of gay men) and that's fine for those guys but just not what i want and i have zero interest in it. but when i go "gay" that's usually what i see no matter what.

    i hate to say it but i think guys that are types that women would want, steer clear of the gay stuff. i just never see them.

    anyway, thanks for sharing. it helps to know i am not alone. oh and don't let you age stop you. there was a short guy that was likely close to 50 and he had braces, but i thought he was such a nice guy and he was very attractive to me. unfortunately i never could find out if he was gay or straight and i think either way he was taken, but i personally would have felt so lucky to go on a date with him.

    i guess what i am looking for is that innocent chemistry without the sexpectations. but with guys i have met, any chemistry always has a direct and immediate expectation of some type of sex act. i have never met a guy that we were both attracted to each other that mentioned wanting to get to know me or wanting to wait. with gay men i have experienced, i know that if i want sex, nobody is going to say no if they like me. i do not want sex and do not ask for it. i want to meet someone and peel back the layers of the onion of "dating" and getting to know them and hopping from one bed to another is not my idea of dating.
     
  11. thanks buddy!
     
  12. omg, you read my mind. i was thinking this exact same thing. i was wondering why treating guys with respect and decency was not working out and it was actually seemingly a "turn off" to many. however, if i lead with sexual remarks or sexualized flirting, they seemed to like this more. you are sooo right. i do have a notion of courting and dating that seems completely alien to the guys i have met and i have often felt like the only way to get a relationship is just settle for someone, have sex with them and if the sex is good, they'll stick around. but thats not what i want and i do not think a relationship built on a hookup will last. i guess you're right, you really helped me in a way and confirmed what i thought too which is depressing. thank tho. it was good to hear someone else say what i have been going through :frowning2:

    ---------- Post added 27th Apr 2015 at 05:12 PM ----------

    thank you so much. you have been so helpful. we are going through the same thing. i always wish i could meet some guys like you. but yes, i guess im holding onto hope that there is a "me" out there, that i would be attracted to that wants what i want. i mean, there just has to be someone somewhere but it doesn't seem possible. it seems if a guy is relatively attractive and others want him for sex, then he obliging them and gets turned into this hookup guy. so the guys that are loving and more relationship based also seem to be the ones that nobody wants physically. i could go to women but was just hoping for the intimacy you described. just a connection (not sex) with a guy that made me feel like i was wanted inside for me and not my body. guess that's impossible.
     
  13. user199

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    i know this goes against the conventional wisdom here of trying to find the one. but sometimes this search and trying to fill the void by love/relationship can leave you totally exhausted and turned off by the gay lifestyle..well it works for some and for some other like us it doesn't..only when i have stopped looking endlessly for love/relationship have i found a semblance of peace and ease in my life..i was hardwired into thinking that i need to have all of these in order to being happy..sometimes its better to pull back and enjoy the ride rather being fixated on one particular thing. strange as it sounds i feel i have a better shot of finding someone now than i ever did when i was actively looking all the time..but even if it doesn't happen i wont trade my peace of mind and serenity for anything..
     
  14. runforfun

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    Have dating sites allowed you to meet men you like?

    I am so so new and green to all of this but am in agreement regarding settling down with a guy who wears comfortably like a favorite old pair of jeans That represents my age/style/masculinity preference...

    Idk but if I see him ill mention you first
     
    #14 runforfun, Apr 29, 2015
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