I came clean and left my wife of 25 yrs 3 months ago. So far it has been up and down but generally amicable. Obviously there is no way that we will be getting back together although I care a great deal about her. Our anniversary is coming up and I am not sure what to say or how or if to acknowledge it. Any ideas would be appreciated.
I am in a similar place. I was thinking of this today, and I plan to acknowledge the anniversary and give thanks for her presence in my life. I do not regret our marriage or our experience of life together and family. We are in a different place now, but my life would not be the same without our time together.
It would have been my 30th anniversary today. My husband and I separated just over four months ago. I was being a coward and avoiding talking the subject not the best way to deal with it. I am fine he is not. Probably best to honour the day and not do what I did.
Hi! On such an occasion, the only thing you can say with complete honesty is that your years together were good years. They were years during which you built something valuable and precious. I've often heard that you can only say you were truly married, when the marriage ends. It will be a done thing, something that you can both remember and refer to when speaking about the past and about each other. Something also that you can both learn from for the next relationship. Shedding the past is truly what becoming yourself implies, it's not "growth", we're not tomatoes in a garden, there is a core self that needs to become itself, and it is one of the most terrifying things to undertake. Shedding means letting go of things that don't work anymore, habits of thought, habits of sexuality, etc. So "growth" in that sense always means a loss. It also means going to new places that will for a time feel awkward and strange, like fledgling birds that fall, or teenagers whose voices crack. Consider the end of your marriage as an opportunity for both of you to become yourselves, for both of you to shed the pseudo-skins of a marriage that can no longer continue, as a lightening of the dead weight of each other's past expectations and those of the community that surround you. You'll notice I didn't give you anything precisely to say, but hopefully I gave you a useful theme, or canvas upon which you may write what needs to be said, in your own authentic words.
on the first anniversary after i split from the STBX she called me. i wont go into it but it started out ok then turned into our usuall BS. not everyone will be like me however, the only advise i can give is take the high road, i tried to but i will admit that i quickly went down hill. best of luck, it's a tough time i know.(*hug*)
When I left an 8 year relationship many years ago and think that we appreciated that we had both changed. We wanted to stay friends so we would go out for lunch etc. with the proviso that should either of us become uncomfortable with the situation, we would end the "date". I think acknowledging the discomfort often made it more comfortable. We were careful not to discuss moving on particularly if it involved a new dating partner - at least initially. We remained friends for many years although we have not seen each other in perhaps 20 years now. We don't live in the same country so I think the relationship and then friendship evolved as it was meant to.
why not right a card that talks about a bond that will never die and although things may not exactly be the same anymore, the foundation of what brought you both together (love) won't ever change. it may look different, but you still love and care for her.
Thanks all for the great advice. Still not sure what to do, it is today and I got an email from her which didn't mention the day at all and was just about some logistical money matters. I feel stuck - if I mention the day and how fondly I think of it and that I will always love her albeit in a different way, then it may stir up emotions that I don't want to purposefully cause. However if I don't acknowledge it - like she did - I could be accused of not remembering that it was, in fact, our anniversary. Soooo not sure what to do....
well, if she didn't acknowledge it when she made contact, i don't think i would mention it as she may be avoiding the subject and if she says well you didnt say anything you can rejoin with, neither did you. just a thought.
I kept it very low key. Flowers and a card. It was more than I received, but she was appreciative and I felt I'd done the right thing by her.
OK I stopped agonizing over this and went with my gut a got a card and thanks to your themes and input, wrote the following: I wanted to acknowledge this day but was unsure exactly how to. For my view, I can say with complete honesty is that our years together were good years. They were years during which we built a family and a bond that will never die. Although things are not the same anymore, the foundation of what brought us both together won't ever change. Our life paths may be different now, but I still care for you and you will always hold a special place in my heart. Thanks as always to all of your comments you folks are awesome! The truth is it is actually how I feel.
Well I got a nasty text from one of her friends asking how I could be so cruel and drive the stake further into her heart. Oh well - lesson learned. Despite whatever she tells anyone, I know that deep down she knows I meant it with all sincerity and with good intention. :bang:
