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Married and in the closet

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Jakebusman, Apr 28, 2015.

  1. Jakebusman

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    What is the best what way come out after 4 years of marriage ?
     
  2. bi2me

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    I am not really in the same situation, but I wanted to welcome you. There are a lot of men and women who realized they were glbt after being married.

    In my case, my husband knew I'd had a ftf relationship with my female best friend in high school and when I realized last summer those feelings had returned, he wasn't nearly as surprised as I was.
     
  3. BeingEarnest

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    I would recommend therapy as a place to start. It is all complex and emotional.
    Best wishes.
     
  4. OnTheHighway

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    By asking the question, I would assume that means you have already come out to yourself and have had your catalyst moment? To the extent that is the case, and you are ready to come out to her but are just looking for a way to do it, I can use my approach as an example.

    I wrote a letter reflecting on the journey that we took as a couple together, as well the individual journey I took to get the point where I decided I was gay, then explained how my love for her was real, and being very direct so there was no ambiguity, ended it with the point that I am gay.

    I delivered the letter to her when we were both alone and spoke to her about what was in the letter at the same time.

    Fast forward, we are on our third year apart. We get together once a week for a meal or a coffee. And we have a very amicable relationship (although we were married for 19 years, so the time we were together was significantly more than yours).
     
  5. ChloeKiss

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    Not being in that marriage in the first place would have helped. Why did you marry a girl in the first place? Is your family full of homophobes?
     
  6. Richie.

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    Meh. :tantrum:

    Honesty is the best way, it's tough and you might need extra help from a therapist. Hope it goes well for you whatever you decide.
     
  7. ChloeKiss

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    Meh?
     
  8. allnewtome

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    What a wonderful, supportive and helpful post...

    There's a million reasons people get married to the opposite sex when they are gay, throw a rock in this forum and you'll find countless posts detailing those reasons. It happened there's no going back to change that past, he's come here looking to the future and there's zero reason quilting him on an issue that I'm sure he's beaten himself up over enough.
     
  9. OnTheHighway

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    Not sure why people are suggesting Therapy. We have not been told enough about the situation to really have a sense as whether it could help. If the OP has conviction and is comfortable with his true sexuality, the best course of action is to be direct and upfront.
     
  10. ChloeKiss

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    Oh wow.. I must have rattled some nerves here huh? Look I seriously do wish the best for the original poster on this thread I just don't understand how if he's gay he could have had sex with a woman all this time? (If he did?) I just couldn't do that myself.. Like I couldn't have sex with a guy for so many years.. would be so terrible :eek: I just wonder.. how did you get by OP? My post is very supportive thank you very much. I have my opinions.. you have yours :wink: That's the way the world goes around.. right?! :lol:

    :thumbsup:
     
  11. OnTheHighway

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    This post should not be hijacked by a 19 year old whom has absolutely no appreciation for such issues. Show some common courtesy. You obviously have extensive experience on EC given the number of posts you have made, so you should know better.
     
  12. ChloeKiss

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    Alright fine.. I know i'm being an asshole on here.. I actually do genuinely care about these issues I just sometimes.. I just don't get it? I'm just a blunt person. Sorry to the OP for any kind of ''offense'' I may have caused. I guess maybe couples therapy doesn't sound TOO bad? If she doesn't take it well then you could try that with your wife?
     
  13. Jakebusman

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    Look im upset and stressed and this fighting isn't helping
     
  14. OnTheHighway

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    Doglover44, you are not alone in what you are going through, as you can see from the thousands of posts in this section of the forum, there are a lot of people who have gone through the same. Each person takes their own course and direction. There is no one right approach. If you can share some more of the background and circumstances, that might help others whom have been through similar decisions to express what course of action they have taken and apply it to your specific circumstance. You are amongst friends here.
     
  15. Richie.

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    Exactly you're ignorant to the situation. This forum is for largely people who have been in hetero relationships finally plucking up the courage to become their true selves. You don't have to get it, we can't turn back time. We can only change our futures. Comments like yours are unhelpful. Support not judgement.
     
  16. CyclingFan

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    Well, I don't know about best. I was already doing therapy and am still working on bits of acceptance, a few months after the divorce was final. In addition to working on myself with the therapist, it was useful to have her to come out to first and to talk through all of the things that might happen when I brought up my questioning my sexuality to my ex.

    I know other people have written letters, and if nothing else that can be a way of organizing your thoughts. Some people read those to their spouses, or let them read it.

    There are a lot of people here who have gone through similar things that you are going through. Not sure there's a best way, and a lot of what happens next will depend on her.
     
  17. tscott

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    I think therapy is a great idea, but only after you've done the heavy lifting of coming out to your wife. If you set up an appointment for couples' therapy your wife is going to be suspicious any how. I'd set an appointment with my wife and our rector. She wanted to know what it's all about to the point I had to tell her. It's the hard, but honorable, thing to do.
     
  18. mapleluv

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    There's no easy way to do it, that's for sure.

    Since you've been together for this long I'm sure you've solved/talked over other serious issues before, I recommend you try approaching this topic in whatever way has been successful for dealing with other problems in the past. Some people want to talk face to face, other people deal better when they can read it first & take a while to gather their thoughts- you know your partner better than anyone here on EC.

    I came out to/dumped my ex-fiance over the phone right before our wedding. Not the most graceful way to come out, but it was all I could handle at the time. And we're still friends! So however you choose to handle the situation, just know that eventually the drama will settle & life will go on, even if it's painful in the beginning.

    Sending much love & support your way!
     
  19. Schloss

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    How accepting do you think your wife will be if you tell her?
    Has the topic of homosexuality come up among you two, for whatever reason? If so, what was her reaction?

    If you seek help, you need to give a lot more information. I'm also upset about a tonne of things but I do try and verbalise them and it somehow, by even an inch, makes things better if I talk to people who care. Are there support groups in your area that you can join?

    Please for your own good, consider seeing a gay/relationship counsellor! One step at a time... Sending you hugs :kiss:
     
  20. allnewtome

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    There was nothing supportive at all in your original post. In fact your entire argument here is almost word for word what I'd read from an anti-gay marriage poster on an article I'd read.

    This wasn't a response from me that we all have differing opinions it was regarding the fact that this is a support site, this forum in particular is for support for those later in life what you'd offered as a post offers no support what so ever. It's akin to going to a cancer forum and pointing out the newly diagnosed should never have smoked, lived in heavy traffic areas or eaten better.

    It is awesome that you are so secure in your sexuality and I will answer your question as much as I can about the why's and how's.

    For many self acceptance was a process. Most didn't come to the realization one day and then run to tell the world, regardless of upbringing, religion, homeland most people go through a period of inner turmoil while they come to "terms" with their sexuality.

    Some think it's a phase that will pass. That if they meet the right person of the opposite sex everything will be okay, the dreams and desires will disappear and they will end up living the life that they see all around them via parents, uncles/aunts, grandparents and the vast majority of couples they've grown up witnessing both in person and on tv. Eventually as wonderful as the relationship may seem the sense that "something" is missing begins to crumble the walls that have been built. In a perfect world there never would've been any walls but nothing was entered through malice.

    The sex thing-is an issue that irritates me because "sex" always gets far to much of a focus in every conversation regarding homosexuality. We fight for marriage equality for a million reasons that have nothing to do with what goes on behind closed doors. Relationships are so much more than sex, thus often confusing the issue when you meet someone of the opposite sex that you "click" with in every other way. Perhaps the desire isn't there and it can be recognized but everything else fits nicely so it gets shrugged off.

    Your point that you could never do it echoes the comment verbatim that I'd referred to earlier "how could two guys/girls be together ewww" which is ultimately I think what the vast majority of anti gay arguments boil down to.

    The fact is tons of people have sex with people they aren't physically attracted to and for a lot of reasons. As my Dad once said "if it wasn't for booze there'd be no ugly children", people do it out of loneliness, out of need for connection and even out of intoxication. None of those things indicate desire or orientation.

    Sex/Sexual activity genuinely feels good, there is a physical reaction to certain stimulation regardless of what the mind is thinking. Case in point the countless studies on rape victim's who had experienced orgasms during the assault only to live feeling as though their bodies betrayed them.

    I saw that you apologized which is appreciated and I am truly glad to see a generation with people like you who may never have had to deal with inner turmoil sexuality can cause or certainly not to the level of those in the past.