Hi all, First of all, I want to thank you for this forum and the ability to connect with others. But I am struggling now and I need someone to reach out to me. I came out to my wife three years ago. I've made the decision that I want to stay in this marriage which is loving and supportive. We will celebrate 37 years of marriage this summer. My issue is that I feel isolated in my decision. Please know that I'm not judging those who separated and divorced. I certainly realize there are lots of bad marriages and leaving is best. But, is there anyone else on here who decided to stay committed? I went to a support group meeting several weeks ago for gay married men. Best I could tell, there was no one there that wasn't in an open marriage. There are times that I feel incredibly lonely and would love to know there are other men taking this path.
Hi, I came out to my wife last year and so far have remained married and loyalish.... I say this because I did have a brief affair behind my wifes back but very quickly realized what a mistake I was making, and I wouldn't recommend do that. At this stage I'm not sure what will happen in the future because my wife depends on me for support as she is disabled. I don't want us to split up but I can't go through the rest of my life without feeling the love I crave if that makes sense. Do you not want to explore your sexuality at all?
I am not married, but am in a strangely analogous situation, in that I am a member of a Catholic Religious Order, and have taken life vows. I am most probably going to leave that Order, for all sorts of complex reasons, but the strain the denial of my sexual identity puts on me is one of them. Staying and leaving a marriage like yours are both difficult decisions, and both can be honorable ones, I think.But having made a decision, it is inevitable that you will be faced with 'what ifs?'. Life is never going to be perfect, and is always going to be contain troubles, whatever you chose. Wistfulness about paths not taken gets one nowhere, and is probably based on false thinking. The isolation and loneliness of which you speak is something which I can identify with. I'm guessing its about having like minded people, rather than a sexual relationship? That makes a lot of sense. We all need to feel we belong, and are part of a community. I can understand why support groups composed of men in open marriages would not help. The best I can suggest is trying to build up your own communities of interest and support. I don't know what things are like where you live, but outside interests might help? Or find a gay friend in whom you can confide? Negotiating relationships, so that your wife does not feel resentful, may be difficult too. It must be a complex situation. One thing I am sure about, loneliness means that your basic emotional needs are not being met, and they are as vital as your basic physical needs (food, sleep, etc). You cannot ignore them and be happy.
Are you wanting gay friends, lovers, sexual partners? An undefined 'more'? Could you consider staying together for all the reasons you have but having sex with different people? I feel like in some situations, ending a great marriage over a relatively small issue is a shame - but my views on this are (d)evolving rapidly.
if your staying together as an accommodation to her, and she knows about your sexual identity, why would it be an issue to have an open relationship? I see no harm in it.
You're not alone MOGUY, I'm married for more than 22 years and have kids too. The difference is that I'm still in the closet, my wife doesn't know anything about it. I have been seeing a therapist for a few months now (on and off). I decided that I would like to keep my marriage, and I hope that I can. I don't really know if I'd be able to accept myself if I acted upon my homosexuality for religious as well as personal reasons. Everyone is different, and to me, cheating on my wife is a huge issue that I'd not tolerate psychologically nor emotionally, so have an open relationship is out of question for me. I've been discussing those issues with my therapist and those sessions really opened my mind to think and act differently than before .. do I still struggle? yes, and it is terribly difficult. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in your decision, breaking a relationship is never easy, and the longer you stay the more difficult it is to separate. Life is about decisions and you, and I, have to find peace in our choices. Take care.
bearheart, thank you so much for responding! We obviously have a great deal in common. My faith plays a great deal in my decision as well. Would you mind expanding on what you've learned in the therapy sessions? ---------- Post added 29th Apr 2015 at 10:27 AM ---------- bi2me, I think what I really want at this point is gay friends that understand. ---------- Post added 29th Apr 2015 at 10:38 AM ---------- Camel, thanks so much for the response! You are correct in that I'm in need of being with like minded guys at this point. I can see how your situation is similar to mine. You are probably considered to be married to your vocation just as a priest is. I wish you the best and please keep me updated as to how you're doing.
LGBT+ friends should be something you can find, both here and in real life. That sounds like a fairly doable goal, with everything you've said.
There's an email listserv called HOW "Husbands Out to their Wives". It's quite active with hundreds of guys on the list, in all kinds of situations, including men like you. The major drawback to HOW is that you'll get 600-700 emails per month from it. If you join, I strongly suggest using an alternative email address, not your primary one. Some guys on the list arrange local meet-n-greets and there's a national meeting in the Fall each year. To find out more, their website: How to Join the List | Husbands Out to Their Wives
MOGUY, I am married and still living a relatively normal straight life with my wife. She knows that I am attracted to some men and that I enjoy doing sports and some social activities with them. When it comes to sex, I continue to have that only with her. I do not want to separate and divorce; neither does she; there would be no point of it at our age. This is one option if both parties want to do it this way. It does not have to mean Mutually Assured Destruction when you come out to your wife, because gay is an orientation and separately a behavior. You can realize that you have the orientation, but not engage in the behavior. Loving your wife and vice versa is not ONLY a sexual thing. It does have components of sexual attraction, but that is not the only aspect. You can see many of the people here who have recognized that they are gay, but who still have a loving attachment to and concern for their wives. They just don't all feel erotic about having sex with them any more. It might be the same thing if they fell in love with a different woman; it just happens to be that they might fall in love with a different man IF they go down the path of trying to find someone. But, you don't have to go down that path. You can look for gay friends, or gay-friendly straight friends, and enjoy doing things with them, just not sexual things. If you are emotionally attached to these friends, it can be a fulfilling friendship in that regard, without having any sexual interactions. It all depends on you, the extent and nature of your same-sex attractions, and whether you can be satisfied with keeping your male-male interactions out of the sexual realm. Some people can't; they may need to separate and divorce; I am not one of them. Welcome to EC, where there are "a million stories in the Naked City", not all of them the same.
Thank you, Yossarian. That is a great post! You've got a solid handle on matters and your message is one I needed to hear. Again, thank you, sir! ---------- Post added 29th Apr 2015 at 10:44 PM ---------- CBA, thanks for the heads up. Sounds like an avalanche of emails. Wow.
