Hello everyone! I’m usually not a man of many words, but I decided today deserved a lot of them (plus writing is easier than speaking). So this is my (extremely long) introduction! Well, where to start… There’s probably gonna be a lot of rambling, but here goes. I’m a 31 year old gay male. Feels weird writing that. I feels weird saying it, actually, despite that fact that I am (I like to think…) perfectly ok with it and I know it to be true. I grew up in a very loving, “mildly” catholic family and I guess I’ve always know I liked boys, though growing up in a catholic quite homophobic country I always tried to hide it (even forget about it). Going through school was rough. I constantly bullied, because of my weight, because despite having a lot of good male friends I was always crap at sports and apparently that’s also grounds to bully someone. Kids are just nasty… I went through school, up to university convinced that I would magically find a girl that I would really like and we’ll get together and so on. That, of course, never happened. By the time I went to University, I was still convinced that one day I’d find that girl (One would think that the fact that I watched mostly gay porn would have provided a hint, but no…). I even thought about trying to date girls but the idea of starting something with someone only to inflict emotional pain on them somewhere down the road always put me off. Plus, lets be honest, I knew as soon as it came to the sex it just would not happen and it’d be totally embarrassing. Denial on the surface, but down there I’ve always known. Once I finally convinced myself that I was gay, it just felt that it was too late (plus there was no way I was going to come out back in my home country). After University, I had the opportunity to move to the UK to do my PhD. You’d think I’d grab that opportunity with both hands and finally come out, but no. Truth be told, despite knowing by then I was definitely gay, I don’t think I was very comfortable with the idea (many years of conditioning don’t just vanish like that, unfortunately) so I kept quiet. I slowly convinced myself that I did not need anyone, that I would be perfectly happy living as a single man as long as I had good friends. From time to time I’d feel sad and lonely, but as long as I had friends, work, movies, TV, books, computer games I’d keep busy and not need anything else to fill my time. I even told myself that one day I’d read ALL the books in the world just to escape reality. You know, live in the real world just for as long as I needed to and then immerse myself in someone else’s story just to escape reality (as if you could escape it…). I became more and more withdrawn from friends (all of them A+ people, some I went to uni with, others I work with, could not have wished for better) and spending far too much time thinking about how crap my future is going to turn out (I could be the poster child for pessimism). A ‘small’ detail I’ve not mentioned up to now is that I am agoraphobic (It makes friendship maintenance that much easier…). As much as I’d like to go out and enjoy myself, meet people, every potential plan is meticulously scrutinised, a mental cost/benefit list is drawn and then I decide whether the fun of going somewhere is actually worth the emotional toll. You don’t need to have extra-terrestrial deduction powers to guess which one wins 9 out of 10 times. I could talk about regret and all the opportunities I’ve missed throughout life (I developed this in my early teens), but that’s a whole other topic. I don’t know if bottling up my sexual preference is linked to it (I personally believe it has got more to do with the bullying, but one day I’ll find out). Fast forward to the age of 30. My amazing housemates leave the house, since they got jobs elsewhere, and I decided I’d finally be a grown up and just live on my own. Which is great, since I now have a lot more time to think about life. And about how much I don’t really like it. But that’s alright, I still have work, I’ve accomplished so much and I can just become a work junkie and excel in my field of research. Turns out work is not going so well. So that’s my last ‘support pillar’ crumbling down to nothing. Great… Having a lot of time on my own made me realise how much I need companionship. And how much this secret is eating away at my insides. Last November I went to a wedding with 2 of my best friends and once we got talking about relationships, I built up the courage and finally told them. Well the truth is, I didn’t tell them, I almost forced them to ask me. All I could say was ‘yes’ to the question, rather than just come out with it. I was shaking all over. I was shaking for probably one hour afterwards, despite the fact that they were great and very supportive. But since they live back home and I talk with them about twice a year I once again managed to compartmentalise that part of my life and live ‘the straight lie’ back in the UK. The rage, the supposed unfairness of it, continued to burn inside and life moved on… And then ‘Weekend’ and John Grant happened. I don't know why I decided to watch the movie, but I did and it was amazing. It just resonated with me so much (‘Why can’t I have that?…’) and by the end of it when John Grant’s ‘Marz’ song came on I just cracked and started ‘sort of crying’ and I just couldn’t stop (I say ‘sort of’ because I seem to have lost the ability to cry at some point in my life). Then I listened to the rest of Grant’s songs. They are just so beautiful. It was an eye opener listening to a man just singing a love song for another man. It was as alien as it was amazing. That night I decided that I needed to do something about my life and that the next weekend when I went to visit one of my other good friends I’d tell her. It’s bizarre how uncomfortable I still am talking about it. I came up with 1000 scenarios and backdrops to my story, to make it more… Relatable? Understandable? Who knows… After such careful planning, I got there we were just chatting and I actually blurted it out (so much for planning). She was amazing about it, we talked about it all weekend. It was good to be next to a great friend and just say ‘Wow! That guy is really hot!’. Two weekends after, I told another friend and, once again, all went well. It sounds like we are progressing towards a happy ending (maybe we are), but I’m finding myself trapped again. I’ve told myself ‘It will happen, you just have to take it slowly or your brain won’t cope’, but I think now that it seems more like a possibility than ever before I find myself craving it even more and that does not help. There are several things holding my back, a few of them some of you probably can relate to. The biggest obstacle are my parents. I don’t think they would ever understand. I’m a single child, all of the pressure to be the perfect child and produce offspring are on me. It would make it a lot easier (in a weird way) if I didn’t care for them, but I do love them very much and I know they love me (or the me they know…) very much as well. Catholicism and the homophobia that exists back there is just too much. Worse thing is, I hate to think what they would have to go through if it became known. I don’t give a s**t about the other people there (I don’t even live there), but to think that people could make my parents uncomfortable or suffer because of me makes me furious. And there would be nothing I’d be able to do it. They don’t deserve it, they’ve been through too much already with health problems and all and my mum is quite emotionally fragile. I fell bad just chatting to them on the phone because in my head, now that I’ve accepted what I am, I feel even more like I’m lying to them. And I dread to think that, even being in a different country, they could find out by some backdoor channel. Reason number two is my agoraphobia. I am quite uncertain about how work is going to go, a big change might be coming soon. I might stay, I might move somewhere else, I might leave the country. So, while I decided it’s time I have some therapy, I’m putting that off until I know where life leads me (putting it off has happened before, but I am determined to make it happen now). I love the idea of diluting myself in the crowds in London or any other big city and just living an anonymous life where no one knows or cares who I love and just be happy. Unfortunately, big cities and agoraphobia don’t really mix (I need to self-medicate just to go and spend the day in London). I also don’t think I’d be emotionally stable to date someone. I mean, setting a date and then chickening out or running out of it because of a panic attack probably wouldn’t go down well. That’s not the impression of me I want to give. The third and final reason is ‘THE LIE’. I feel like a liar, I’ve done so many things hoping people wouldn’t figure out I’m gay, that in my head I’ll just feel like a fraud when I finally tell people. And the labels… I don’t want to be known as ‘the gay guy’. I am me, not ‘the gay guy’. That really annoys the hell out of me… And then we have dating. I should have done this in my late teens, twenties. How the hell does one get into this stuff. Is there a manual or something? Also, the random sex hookup is just not me… *mind boggles* I guess I’ll have to figure that one out when/if I get there. So here we are… lonely and possibly depressed (I may need a diagnosis to make sure, though I think circular hopeless thought patterns and a constant state of melancholy might fit the bill). There’s sadness and a lot of anger at the world for making it so difficult for most gay people to just live. I’d like to think better times will come, but sometimes it is really hard. Today has been a particularly bad day, so I thought I’d just let it out of my chest and, from going around the internet, I feel like there’s no better place to do it than here. So thank you very much for reading, I hope you managed to get all the way to the end!
Oh my goodness, sweetheart, I know our stories are entirely different, but I identify and empathise and feel so much of what you are feeling too, it's unbelievable. I wish I could tell you how to make everything OK, but guess what, I think you're doing a fantastic job of it already (I know you don't believe that, but you are!!!). As a very close family member said to me lately, "Stop trying to put yourself into categories, you are not a category, or a label, or a stereotype. You are an individual, you are you, different from every other person on the planet. Give yourself time and space to get to know you, to just be you, no labels, no nothing... Then you'll realise you don't need to worry about anyone else! " I'm possibly even further back in" progress" than you are sweetheart, the words from my cousin stick with me, I'm not sure how to deal with them quite yet... But I think I will. And if you'd like to take them on board, maybe you too! I'm sorry I can't be more helpful or definitive or anything, truth is, I'm as lost, if not more lost, than you, but... Keep going, you're doing amazing, I know that much! ---------- Post added 2nd May 2015 at 03:43 PM ---------- I'm sorry, none if that was in any way helpful at all, was it! I just wanted you to know I identify and am going through a lot of very similar things, all be it in different circumstances, but very similar things. ((((hugs))))
Thank you for sharing your really interesting story. I found reading it quite helpful. My own story is very different in its externals, but really quite similar in other, deeper, ways. Firstly, I don't think 31 is old. Gosh, how I wish I was 31 again! When you are 41, you will wish you were 31 again. And when you are 51, you will wish you were 41 again. That's life. The fact is, we are where we are, and we can't change that. Better late than never. But I really don't think you are that late. The issue with the parents is tricky, but it probably doesn't need to be faced just yet. Point is dear, you have to live your life. I have spent most of my life trying to be the person I thought my parents wanted me to be. I grew up in a homophobic Britain, and in a very ambitious middle class family who wanted me to be successful. Only because they love me, of course, and want the best for me. But cue much unhappiness. It doesn't work, and you really can't go through life trying to please your parents and be happy. End of. The agoraphobia must make life very difficult. But therapy can sort that out. CBT approaches are often quite successful. I hope work turns out all right. Keep us informed of how things go. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Thanks for joining EC! You will find a lot of people with many stories that can help you work out your own path based on others experiences. You clearly have done a lot of thinking and seem to be of sound mind and conviction. That's a great place to be. As far as 31, your still a baby and have every opportunity lead a fulfilled and satisfying life. So long as you allow yourself to. For the rest of your journey. Take baby steps. There is no rush. Read a out peoples experiences, ask a lot of questions, find resources throughout the UK that can be beneficial. Don't force yourself into uncomfortable situations. And most importantly, be yourself!
:welcome: Thank you for sharing your story. I think therapy sounds like a good idea, especially given the agoraphobia. I sometimes get anxiety and panic attacks in large crowds or when planning things (like packing for vacation is a nightmare), so I can empathize with you, although my issue doesn't go as deep as it sounds like yours does. I think given that you are not in a relationship and don't have kids, you are relatively freer than many of us - even if 31 feels old. Congratulations on coming out to so many friends. That sounds like great progress already! I think it sounds like you need to figure out work and then you can get a therapist in the right place. Keep talking to friends and on here as well... I find writing my story and trying to help others helps me too. (*hug*)
Thank you all for your kind words! I'll get somewhere eventually, now that I've started it, but as I'm sure many of you know, everything feels a bit overwhelming. I've read through quite a few other posts and the support community here seems great. I'll keep lurking around. Being around like-minded people, even if just virtually, really helps.
Good for you Kalopsia! I hope you don't just lurk, but join in sometimes. Interaction (even just online interaction) with sympathetic people who may begin to understand you is a useful thing. Hope you are having a good bank holiday weekend and not working too hard.
