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Separated 35 year old, coming to terms & facing up...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by 24Girl, May 2, 2015.

  1. 24Girl

    24Girl Guest

    Hey all! :slight_smile:

    I'm a newbie here, found the site by accident. I googled "How do I know if I'm bisexual or gay?" And here I am! Thank goodness!

    This will be quite a long and very rambling post and for that I apologise in advance, but I'm so in need of some understanding and any kind of help or advice I can get, I beg you to bare with me! And please, if you may be offended by any TMI please don't read on ;-) I'm laying myself bare here in the hope of any and all thoughts, help, advice and guidance.

    I'm 35 and I separated from my husband of 12 years a few months ago. We have two young children. The separation didn't stem from me. Though, I did instigate it after finding out a few "unsavoury home truths", shall we say. But I took the high road, I didn't shout or scream or throw things, I didn't really care too much, which was very telling. We are amicable, we are getting on for the kids sakes, it's actually very refreshing to have the weight lifted. We are just friends now who have kids together. I know when I look at him I feel nothing really sexual or loving towards him. It's been quite a revelation. So, I wasn't heartbroken, I knew it was right. It's not been easy, no, but I can't help feeling quite free.

    OK, so I've always thought of myself as bisexual really. In my own head. It's a bit of a long story (bare with me!)... As a teenager I struggled with the feeling of attraction to female friends, I put it down to infatuation of sorts. I had a couple of relationships with boys, namely the one that led to the loss of my virginity (which was pretty awful, I remember thinking WTF is this it!? But doesn't everybody!?) So I kind of lurched through my teenaged years, dating a few guys and having sex trying to find out what the fuss was about! Sounds slutty I know, but I promise I was safe! I really didn't see what all the fuss was about. I was completely underwhelmed. Other feelings I had, I couldn't/didn't understand, so I pushed them back. I moved out of my family home and rented my first flat at age 19. I worked my arse off and never had much of a social life. Then I got a new job in a restaurant owned by an Italian family in my home town. And I met Sofia. She was the daughter of the family, a few years older than me. I think I fell head over heels. The next year was a total blur, it was clubbing, working, drinking, other stuff and me and Sofia writhing about not really knowing what we were doing but loving it anyway. She was amazing. I still think about her every day.

    Then her parents introduced her to a lovely respectable young man, they were Catholics, she got engaged and we lost touch. I wasn't in the best place. I decided to up sticks and move for a fresh start. Then at age 20, I met my husband. He was lovely, good looking, dependable, reliable, funny, caring, sweet and everything I thought I should have wanted. My family loved him. I knew I couldn't do any better. I was 23 when we got married. I thought I was doing the best thing, the right thing.

    I wanted to do the right things, I felt like I was happy, we started trying for children soon after we were married. But it wasn't so simple. You know how sometimes you try for something that you're not sure you even want really, but when someone tells you, you can't have it - you want it all the more? Well, we suffered 4 horrific miscarriages and a life threatening ectopic pregnancy, which resulted in the loss of one tube and from surgical complications from the rupture (I almost died) I developed too much scarring and my other tube and one ovary had to be removed as well, so I was rendered infertile.

    It was awful. I will never forget waking up from the surgery and seeing my husband's and my mum's faces. Being told I was infertile. My body had been a big fat failure. I thought it was karma. For hiding everything. That may have been the drugs! Anyway I recovered physically from surgery and went a little off the rails I pushed my husband away, I drank, I smoked, I was a bitch. I told him I wanted him to leave me. I really should have left him. I had a crazy indiscretion. With a woman. A totally unexpected source. An old friend from high school. I went to a reunion party, I met her, we talked, I was drunk, she was drunk, she told me she was bisexual and I poured my heart out! We ended up in bed. I honestly cannot remember much, if anything at all, I was so wrecked (damn!), but I remember feeling free. I wish I could remember, it's only my second and second ever experience! But afterwards guilt ate me up. I told my husband, and the idiot forgave me, cos it was "only an old school friend, it was a woman, it didn't mean anything". The guilt prevented me from being as truthful as I should have been. I should have left him then. I know that now. He deserved better. But I felt such a colossal failure, so broken and empty, I let him forgive me. If not for that, we would not have proceeded and I would not have my two beautiful children, my IVF miracles. After 8 attempts at IVF, we ended up with 2 amazing beautiful miracles. My world.

    But now... I'm taking you back to the beginning of my post (if you're still with me, I'm sorry it's taken so long!). My marriage is over. And I think I might be gay. Or bisexual at least. I appreciate the male form, in all its glory, I do. I thought I fancied it, maybe I convinced myself, I don't know... Brad Pitt, Matthew McCounnachy, Gordon Ramsay, Edward Cullen (NOT Robert Pattinson!)... All men I find strangely attractive! But oh my goodness. Women. Women's bodies, women's curves, women's smells, hair, eyes, looks... Everything! I can't speak from experience (one fumbled year of lust and love and craziness plus one totally wrecked can't-remember night does not an expert make!)

    I've never orgasmed (love how when I type "orgasmed" my autocorrect keeps changing it to "ordained"!!! Haha!) with a man. Well except on very odd occasions with my husband over 12 years, and only after I'd had some alcohol and when he was going down and I was imagining something and somebody completely different! Whenever I masterbate, I can only climax while thinking about being with a woman. Preferably with strap ons and everything involved (though I've never done anything like that... I imagine it!)

    But I've been with men, I was with one for well over 12 years, we have children together!? There are only 3 people who know any of this. One is my bisexual friend I had a fling I can't remember for a night with, my best friend (who I actually told a week ago and who is fantastic and wants to take me to CC Blooms lol, but who is firmly straight so can't totally understand) and my big cousin who I've not seen for years but who is a lesbian married to another woman and very happy. She tells me I shouldn't worry about labels and just "be me". I wish it was so simple!

    God, anyway, if you're still at all with me, any and all, advice, guidance, help, or anything at all, would be greatly appreciated! :slight_smile: xxxx
     
  2. womaninamber

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    I can relate to your confusion. Sometimes I just wish I knew for sure what was going on with me. I've never had good sex with a man but I haven't been with very many and I've never had any sex with a woman. I don't mean a person has to have experience to know their sexuality but I think it would help me. But it looks pretty unlikely from here.

    Anyway I know it must be really rough for you with kids, but I admire you for wanting to be yourself and change your life.

    I get kind of frustrated when people tell me I don't need a label. I mean, I get it, I don't need a label per se but maybe I want to know what's going on with me. I'm not trying to insult your cousin I'm just saying I agree with you that it's not so simple.

    (I have certain male celebrity crushes also but I can't picture being with a man right now.)
     
  3. bi2me

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    :welcome:

    I am short on time right now, my daughter's birthday party is in a few hours, but I wanted to let you know that you aren't alone, and lots of us have been through similar situations.

    Think about what you want your life to look like in 5 or 10 years. Go from there. I will follow the thread, and you can write on my wall once you hit 10 posts.
     
  4. Thirdtimecharm

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    24Girl I can totally relate to where you are at. We have several similarities....it's all so confusing and freeing and exciting at the same time. Loving a woman is nothing like I have ever experienced in my life, something I really never allowed myself to experience and accept until very recently. It's intoxicating---well for me it is. Confusion gives us the opportunity to question everything that we once thought was what was supposed to be. You do have your two beautiful children so maybe that was ur husbands place in your life, his role. Now you have gone through it appears a bit of an awakening and ar looking forward towards your new path in life. I think your cousin has said it best...don't worry about the label. Love how you love and with your whole heart. If it ends up being a woman, then so be it. I am married to a man and also have two kids. Married almost the same amount of time your were and now is when I began to question things---or more so I accepted my attraction for women and am willing to acknowledge that part of me. My desire for women has become stronger. I currently have no plans to leave my marriage, so this desire will than likely have to remain dormant---but I have accreted it as part of me after all these years and it's just me. I identify as bisexual just to put a name to it but it doesn't really matter. You may be a lesbian, you may be bi, all that really matters is that you find someone who makes you and your heart happy, labels aside.

    I am always available to talk as well.... Good luck!
     
  5. PatrickUK

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    First of all, welcome! I'm pleased you found us... it proves that Google is doing the job with those search terms. :slight_smile: You are in the right place as so many members (who may yet reply) have been through very similar experiences to you. If you have time, I'd encourage you to read back through some of the threads in this part of the forum as you may find it very useful in helping you to process everything.

    I'm pleased you have been spared the pain and distress of an acrimonious separation from your husband. So often, our married members endure huge turmoil and heartbreak as everything unravels for them. They take a huge risk to live the life that feels right for them. It's good to know that you are still on good terms with your husband and your kids have two loving and supportive parents who are not at war with each other. Credit to both of you for that.

    More than anything else you wrote, that short quotation says it all. Even though you had been together for 12 years and have two lovely kids there was no sense of heartbreak for you. In fact, you feel free... free now, to follow the path that is right for you. Free is the very same feeling that you described after having sex with your old school friend

    Twelve years ago, you did what you thought was right and got married. You responded to societal expectation (as so many LGB people do) and conformed to the standard arrangement. Maybe you even felt happy at the time? The problem is, getting married can never wipe the slate clean and rid us of our deepest feelings and inclinations. Quite simply, you cannot marry away same sex attraction.

    I don't know if you have heard of Gareth Thomas, the openly gay ex-Rugby player? Like you, he married to "hide" his sexuality and his ex-wife, Jemma, endured a number of miscarriages, and just like you he wondered if it was karma. If you ever get chance to read his autobiography (Gareth Thomas: Proud) I would highly recommend it to you.

    It's clear, from everything you said, that sex with a man just doesn't do it for you. The attraction is there - to some guys -, but it doesn't have the same intesity or magnetism that you feel towards other women. Even now, you still remember Sofia. Does this mean you are a lesbian, or bisexual? To be honest, it doesn't matter. Please don't get fixated on labels as they mean nothing in the grand scheme of things, whereas the feelings and desires that are deep within you mean so much.

    So now you are free and I think it's time for you to explore your sexuality and consider dating another woman. The question is, do you think there is anything holding you back? If so, tell us about it.

    By the way, your post made perfect sense. :slight_smile: