So I've been seeing my bf for just about a year now. I have feelings that I'm not sure how to explain. The last guy I was involved with sent me head over heels. He still can make me feel like jelly when I see him but it's funny how the last time I saw him, I felt much more in control and it was a bit strange to find that I actually got a kick out of seeing him want me so much and for me to be the one that could say 'no' and walk away (nicely of course). So my bf and me. He's told me he loves me, that I'm amazing, but he still has a sharp sense of humour. He keeps me on my toes. He doesn't let me away with pushing to get my own way (that I might be guilty of just a tiny little bit every now and again... :icon_wink) but I've been told by mutual friends that he is so happy and they've not seen him as happy as this for a long time. I don't have the burning feeling I had with the last one, but there's something so warm and strong and secure with my bf - it's just different I suppose. Up until the last month or so I've felt really secure and relaxed about our relationship. Just kinda letting it take its course and go with a flow. It's been cool. All of a sudden I seem to be stressing (work and stuff are hell just now though) and it's making me snarky about lots of things. I'm finding that I'm getting stressed out about him and me too - it's almost like it's coming up to the year and like, what now? Where do we go from here? What does he think of me? Does he want this to be longer term than it's been up to now? How will I know? And this is where I find myself being fearful. I can feel my feelings for him getting stronger; I can see his kind and loving qualities and I know that he feels a lot for me. I can see how we work together and I like it. But I'm scared that I let myself care about our relationship too much and then, like the last one, I get so badly burned again if it all falls apart. I'm typing this and I can feel tears welling in my eyes. I didn't realise that I felt like this about him, but also that the last one had hurt me so much that I am starting to feel like I'm the one who has to kill the relationship before it gets too deep and I get hurt again. I don't want to, I really don't, and I know I'm being irrational. I'm probably just tired and feeling stressed out with other things.
A relationship works best if there is honest and open communication and many of the things you mentioned can (and should) be discussed with your boyfriend. Talk to him about it Highlander. If you have been together a year, it's entirely reasonable that you should want answers to these questions now and he may well be thinking along the same lines. You can address all of these issues, including your worries, in a calm and reasonable way... together. This is a good sign, and if your friends are right, I'm sure he wants to hang onto you, so don't shy away from that honest conversation with him. Getting your true feelings for each other out into the open is no bad thing Highlander.
Highlander, I've very much enjoyed reading your history and updates here--you're one of the several reasons I finally decided to join and begin to contribute. I suspect you already know this, but there's always a bit of risk-taking when making yourself vulnerable to love. Based on your posts, I'm confident that you possess the maturity to negotiate the possible pitfalls. But opening yourself up and making yourself vulnerable are essential parts of developing a deep and lasting commitment. Anyhow, based on what you've said, this guy isn't like the last one. It sounds like he's in it for the long haul. But you know what? It really doesn't matter. Do the work, be open, share yourself, and time will tell. Even if it falls apart, which I doubt, you'll have the experience in your toolkit going forward. Many years ago, I fell for the hottest guy on the planet. It didn't last long, and it nearly killed me when he strayed. But I survived, and now I have the best partnership ever, with a man I love and respect. So there's that.
Hi Highlander2 I'm still relatively new to all of this and I don't have a boyfriend so I can't comment directly but I have read a good book on understanding gay guys and relationships - Dr Joe Kort's "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love". It's available on Amazon Kindle and has many examples of different types of gay men, I don't mean twinks bears etc., and what makes them tick from a psychological viewpoint and how they deal with their own inner daemons and self doubts. He gives many examples of guys who have been together for some time but then start to have doubts or self sabotage the relationship and offers insights into how to make the relationship stronger. If you haven't read this book it's well worth a look and will most likely help you understand more about yourself as well as your partner. Sale Gay Guy
When in a hetero marriage, I think they call it the seven year itch. In a gay relationship, I think it is the one year itch! I just went through what would seem to be a very similar experience with my partner around our one year anniversary. That was a few months back now. Looking back on it, it seemed to be a time when we were both struggling to define our relationship with one another, really pushing each others boundaries, and getting comfortable with the adjustments we each knew were needed within ourselves so that our relationship can continue to blossom. Two months on, we both feel even closer connected to one another than we ever have been. Just last night we went to see Cinderella. We were wrapped in each others arms throughout the movie. We got home, were intimate with one another, and before falling asleep while snuggling we discussed how amazed we were that our love just continues to grow stronger and stronger. Not the the type of teenage love filled with jealousy, uncontrollable emotion and anxiousness; but calm, settled and secure love. We had a wonderful weekend where we both were completely at peace with one another and simply enjoyed each others company. Would seem you might be going through a similar phenomenon.
Thanks guys. You always manage to give such good, relevant advice. Patrick, you're right. It's just a total fear thing. I opened myself up to 'him' and I ended up so hurt it actually hurt at times. I'm scared that I let myself go again and start to let it grow and then I end up getting hurt again. I trusted 'him' and at the time it felt good and safe and secure and like it might be something amazing, but it wasn't to be. Now, I have this man that makes me smile when I think about him; think about time we spend together - OnTheHighway, what you describe is what I feel when I'm with him. Safe, secure, at ease. I want to do more with him, spend more time with him. SaleGayGuy, yes, I've got the e-book version of this so there's maybe something that I need to go back and re-read. It's a really relevant book and there's a lot in it about the different Types - warrior, king, etc. - and the whole struggle in developing the relationship. But, Patrick, how do i raise this? Just come out and say? I'm a fairly direct kind of guy when I have to be. Maybe a bit too direct. "So, where are we going? No, not going out tonight, where are WE going? Do I need to start looking at wedding venues? No? Oh, okay then..." I joke. But what if he says he's just seeing where it all goes? I hate uncertainty. I like to know what's going on and when! And, I don't like not having some control. That's the thing I think that freaks me out. The fact that I'm not in the driving seat with the whole relationship thing. It's equal and that's actually really cool, but the uncertainty scares me. BlueHorizon, thank you. It makes me feel that the journey I've been on is at least giving others something to think about and decide whether what they're doing feels right for them based on what others have experienced. I'm glad that things have worked out and you've found someone that gives you happiness. I just want to be happy. I just want to feel safe and secure with a guy, not worrying constantly that he's away putting it about behind my back, and see and feel him love me back. But then isn't everyone There's times where I think about him and his loving nature and can imagine being with him for a long time yet. Live with him? Possibly, but is that something that grows and develops? Right now, I don't think I'd like to think about not seeing him again. What I mean is that if things ended tomorrow I'd be really upset that I didn't see him, or at least stay close friends with him. I'm overthinking this I know. Soooo unlike me...
Hi highlander, I too struggle with overthinking, especially when things are uncertain. Lately I feel like I've got nothing else I can do except embrace the uncertain, cause it's not going away for me right now, and if it were to in my situation Id be pretty wary of that too. Also, I think about how certain I was about a few things in my life that have proven to not be nearly as certain as I thought they were! I've noticed too how additive stress is, and how it can affect other parts of my life. It's easier for me to fall into worrying about other things if work is already stressful in a way I can't address. Sounds to me that you're in a positive relationship that's growing and deepening. Even when it's great its still scary.
In many respects I'd say it the way you said it to us here, in your original posting. You can reflect on the fact that you have been together for a year and tell him how great you feel about that and then ask him how he is feeling about things too. Not quite as direct as "where are we going?" but not too vague either. If you have good communication with each other it should be okay to talk about your hopes and worries and explain that you'd just like a bit more certainty for the future. It doesn't have to sound really pushy or like a wedding plan. Just give it some thought beforehand so you are clear about what you want to say... and how you want to say it. You've wrote the basis of a conversation here, so just tweak it a little.
So I had a sort of conversation last night. I asked him if he was happy and he's told me he's happy, that he's looking at him and me, and that he's not thinking of going anywhere, he used the phrase 'in it for the long haul' and explained that he was still getting used to being in a relationship with someone as he hadn't been for a couple of years. He's a lovely guy. He's told me that he's been so used to just having to care about himself and not really having to think about someone else, and he's learning all the time about being in a relationship. I feel a lot better after talking to him. I've found someone that really likes me, and is learning from being with me as well - it's almost a journey for him too. I like the thought of us exploring this together
Great to hear an update from you, Highlander. And so happy you and your bf are getting through these stressful moments with communication instead of resentments from the past and fears about the future. I've been with my bf just over a year, and yes there are still a lot of unknowns ahead for both of us individually and as a couple, but we don't shy away from those unknowns and talk about things that are bothering us -- which really have nothing to do with us in our relationship, but instead how we interact with family and society. Keep us posted, lots of love to you both in your journey together. -Rich
So this weekend has been a bit of a problem for me. My bf is away, and has been since mid-week last week. He's in another part of the country at a party that's been organised by a friend of his. I'm obviously not going as I wasn't invited. That's okay-ish, although it's not the first thing he's gone off too with friends that I've not been invited to so there's a tiny little bit of me is feeling like I'm being kept out of specific circles. We were out for lunch last week and we got into a silly phone app game that was seeing if we could guess the others answers to questions about me or him. One of them was rating a variety of people in order of importance - friends, you, family, past-times, etc. As I've kids, they were placed at the top but there was a caveat that said he would come after them but I'd always think of him first. Then the rest of the categories followed after kids/him. He placed me after friends and family, which I initially didn't take to heart, but he then felt the need to explain - that I was still a 'friend' and it sort of just fizzled away as he realised it was sounding worse the more he tried to explain, it was all done a bit nervously given what he'd just said. I'm also finding that he's booking his time out to loads of friends and I'm really starting to feel like I just need to try and slot in where there's space. He wouldn't think twice about going off to something if I had plans on a date where he had said I was free and later discovered I wasn't. This is another symptom of him never having to think about anyone else, but it's starting to affect me. I don't want to come over like some sort of possessive partner that needs him to run every event he's planning past me, but it feels like I get this list of dates he's not free and it's just like, oh, okay then. There's a bit of me that's just like, okay, how many of my friends can I book time out with and then where would be both be in this relationship? We'd never fcking see each other. I'm also away for nearly two weeks with work, out of the country, and he's heading back home at some point tomorrow after the party tonight, so I might see him in the evening. Sorry - I'm feeling crap about travelling, crap about being here, crap about feeling like I'm just nothing to anybody and crap that I am feeling crap about everything. So when I spoke to him earlier and an evening out with some of MY friends clashed with a newly arranged event he'd made this morning, I don't think I had my Mr Sunshine pants on... I know, I know, I feel like I'm behaving like a sulky child, I know. I know I need to snap out of it...
So guys. An update. I'm feeling much happier in myself. I'm in the states this week and I left my bf on Sunday night and a lovely relaxed and close evening together. I'm so looking forward to seeing him. I'm feeling like I miss him close to me, his smile and just him all over. Really wish he was here with me to share this experience with me and I'm looking forward so much to getting back and planing the next adventures with him
So back home, it's been so great to see my bf again. I have missed him so much, and he's obviously missed me too! I am feeling so much more comfortable and relaxed with how I feel about him. He's just so much 'there'. We were away for a few days last week and it was just such a relaxing, chilled time. It's good staying places, going for food, heading out for a night out - as a couple. I get this huge feeling of just 'feeling right' about being with him. We're planning stuff for later this year and next year too. It feels good guys. A few things he's said just in conversation, relaxed, guard down, makes me feel that he's good with us and sees this being something that could be for the long term. I'm lucky to have a guy that I trust, that turns me on, that I am comfortable being me with and don't feel pressure to be someone I'm not. Someone who treats me like an equal, who is a grown up and acts like a grown man rather than a spoilt child. I'm looking forward to the future...
Sounds like you have plenty to look forward to Highlander. You now have a relationship that feels right and is going in the right direction. Sending lots of positive thoughts and good wishes your way.
Guys, this is not a great post. I'm really struggling just now with my feelings. Please don't judge me harshly. So the complications arise again. "He" and I ended up working together a few weeks ago while we were at another office site, and staying at the same hotel, which was away from the city we normally work at. We got talking during the evening in the bar and he started opening up a lot to me about how he has felt over the last few months. He has dated dozens of guys and none of them seem to meet his expectations, or they just don't work out. It got a bit awkward as he started to tell me that he was in love with me and loved me, that he's always loved me and he struggles with his feelings when he sees me. He wasn't being pushy, just very open. He told me lots of other things too - stopping short of telling me he thinks I'm his 'One'. He just knows the buttons to press with me to get the feelings I had for him come rushing back. I'm scared. I have a bf and I care for him such a lot We are good together, we enjoy each other physically, and we get on together well. I enjoy being part of a couple and I'd miss him so much if we weren't together as a couple. 'He' on the other hand - despite all the hurt and roller-coaster of everything that happened - was the only man who has made me fall completely and totally in love with him, who was the trigger to me coming out and who knows that I stepped out into my own life after that. But. He's told me that he loves me, that he's sat down and come up with a list of things he's looking for in a guy and I pretty much hit all of them, that he thinks I'm his 'One' - I just end up so scared. I can't tell him to f'off - it would cause huge problems at work. I don't know if I want to though - there's still a big part of me that, if I could be with him and make it work, I'd want to. If I accept the fact that I am still in love with him it doesn't make it any easier. I do care about my bf such a lot - do I think I could love him enough to want to spend the rest of my life with him? Possibly. But right now, I know that I could want to be with 'him' for the rest of my life. What stops me? Fear and trust. Fear that I trust 'him' and he goes off with someone else behind my back. It's a red line for me - if you're with me, you're with ME. Even the whole 'we can do stuff with other guys as long as we do it together' thing is a bit of a stretch - how long before I'd say 'not tonight' and he goes off himself to have fun. The fear that I trust him and he hurts me or gets bored with me and I'm left on my own again, hurting. I don't want to end things with my bf - he's a good, lovely, kind guy but he is just very different to 'him' in many ways. I don't have 'danger' with my bf, he's trustworthy but sometimes I feel I want more - but I know that with 'him' there are massive risks to my happiness if it didn't work. If it did work, I think I'd be the happiest I'd ever be in my life. But something stops me from going back - I'm not the kind of guy to play them both - I respect my bf too much to do the dirty on him like that and, if I'm honest, I don't want to be that kind of guy to 'him'. To me that just gives him the easy option of f'cking me but having to give no commitment, and that is NOT what I am looking for in a relationship. The angst between 'him' and me is sometimes palpable though. He knows that I still have feelings for him, and he's said before he wouldn't get between me and my bf, and I manage to screen him out most of the time. He's told me that there are days at work when he just wants to f'ck me and there are days when he wants to kill me - the problem is I feel the same way. I know none of you can tell me what I should do. I'm just talking to the people I feel able to tell
Sounds like a tough choice but like you said it's one you're going to have to ultimately make yourself. Think the current BF is where you might lean as that seems to be the more stable, happy choice.
