After being married for most of my adult life I have plucked up the courage to come out to my husband and we are in the process of splitting up. I met a woman through a local support group, we were just going to be friends but things have expanded beyond that and we have been seeing eachother for nearly a month. We are really attracted to eachother and laugh all the time. We are on the phone, emailing all the time through the day and see each other a couple of times a week, we live an hour by car away from each other and as I have children this restricts how often we can get together. So all of that is wonderful, she is affectionate and caring but here comes the BUT. She has been out as a lesbian all her life and split from her girlfriend of 16 years 6 months ago but only moved out 2 months ago. They brought up 2 children together who are now young adults. The ex has said she can't cope with seeing my gf after finding out we are seeing each other which is understandable but my gf seems to be struggling with this. I am only used to hetero relationships where you split and might be friends after some time, so this is all so confusing that she seems so cut up about her ex still. I have said I will take a step back so she can sort things out in her head but she doesn't want me to. How do I handle her mentioning her all the time? We have both said I love you but my insecurities are making me struggle to believe her. Any advice for me please? Thanks x
Hi loracuk, welcome to EC! You've come to the right place! Can you elaborate a little more on how your GF is struggling? It's not clear whether she misses her ex or feels guilty for leaving her. One can surmise that after only two months, the wounds are still somewhat raw; I can tell you from personal experience that 16 years is a lot of stuff to unravel, so as a preliminary response, I would counsel patience above all else. She will need to mourn that relationship, and, well, that inevitably means talking about her ex. Try to take a gradual approach if you can, take note of how many times she mentions her ex, see whether this will diminish in the months to come as your own relationship develops. You may also try changing the subject, politely, and, if it continues being a problem, you will eventually need to communicate how you feel and see where it goes.
Having a long time relationship end is tough. Add to that a complete change in life style, that can make it really difficult. I have been married twice and had a long time hetero relationship end, it took me a while before I could do much of anything. I figured out that the struggle with the endings just means I am a human being with feelings. Give it some time to let the dust settle and if your new love is strong then it will all work out. Let those raw tender feelings heal.
Hi She talks about her ex all the time and compares her likes/dislikes to mine. I am a pretty insecure person and I struggle with hearing about the ex all the time. Last night however I went over and something was different. She has not been as communicative as normal today and I have a feeling THAT conversation will be happening very soon and I will be alone again. It has all been so intense, something I have never encountered before, almost obsessional, we can't stop phoning eachother or emailing. It is hard as we can't just drop everything to see each other.
