Nothing seems real. It's like it's all a terrible nightmare that I want to wake from so bad. And I'm getting impatient because I can't wake up. I'm stuck here. I told my wife I'm attracted to men in November. I hurt her. Bad. Now it's May, and I'm no closer to figuring any of this out than I was then. She's hurt. And I feel like I'm more gay than straight now, but I love her so much. She deserves better than what I can give her, but I still want so bad to be able to provide her with it. I want this to be over. I want to wake up, feel straight, and live happily ever after with her. Just like she signed up for 9 years ago.
Hi, figure you could use one of these(*hug*) I can relate. I'm closing in on 1 year since I told my ex, and there have been a lot of moments where life feels completely unreal and jarring. It's become easier over time. I can get better.
At least you had the nerve to tell her. I wish I could, but when I hear stories about how hard it is after I just can't. I'm with you. I wish the nightmare would end.
Hey Jrock, First of all, cool name - is it after the music genre? Secondly, you're in a really tough spot. A few years ago I had a gf of 2 years I was seeing when I came to the realization I'm gay. Its hardly marriage, but I sympathize with your situation. I would highly recommend reading Gareth Thomas's book Proud. He was married when he realized he was gay and the way he describes his experience is simply brilliant. Anyone struggling with their sexuality can get a lot from it.
JRock Hang in there. I know how you feel about wanting this to all be over. You are a little farther down the road than me - I told my wife 2 weeks ago. I feel the same way - I wanna just move on. Here is something that a gay buddy told me just yesterday and it really hit home: You have to remember you've been working on getting comfortable with the whole thing for a very long time. This was a total shock to most of the people you know. You gotta give them time and respect for it to sink in and understand. Many do not even know what gay is, so it's got to be done on a way that is educational to most. Once they sort of understand the whole deal it's like a "coming out" for them too. Your wife has to accept it that there is nothing wrong with her and that she was not the cause of you being gay. Then she has to tell her family, friends, etc. If you have kids, the kids will have the same feelings and will have to come out to their friends that their dad is gay. So - it ain't about you... it's about all of you! And it will be for a while - not just a few weeks or a few months after the initial discussion. The book Proud that guitar referenced is great - I just finished reading it last night. Also - my gay friend gave me a copy of Loving Someone Gay by Don Clark. This book helps describe the reactions that people have when someone tells them they are gay. It will also help you see the bigger picture a lot. Hang in there.
CubbieBlue, I definitely feel for you. It is a process. I don't even have a significant other, but it still has been hard due to my parents' unfriendly reaction. Just give her time and re-assure that it is nothing she did. As somewhat older men(on this site anyways), we come from the "in between" generation. Things were a lot different for us growing up in school than younger people. Often, we subconsciously repressed our feelings. Keep your chin up and know that many other men(including me) came out after 30. It happens.
To live authentically we need to be truthful to people who we care about. The thing is that we focus more on the anticipated reaction to our news than planning what we need to say and what do we do afterwards. Safe to say, we can anticipate that the news about our sexuality will lead to confusion, anger, hurt, etc.. We can do some planning on how we manage the reaction. We also need a plan for what we do afterwards much like what we do if we were separating or divorcing. The better prepared we are the more chance of the situation being as comfortable as is possible in the circumstances.