Hate not fitting in...

I'm curious how old are you?

Not that it matters but I used to deal with this a lot too. Not necessarily "acting straight" part but worrying around me what others thought and trying to seek their approval. I didn't really drop that habit until a couple of years ago though in a way I'm still dealing with it. The best advice I can give you is to acknowledge you are doing this, take a step back, breathe, and remind yourself that you're awesome and you don't need anyone's approval.

In another way though, I do understand this and have in the past tried really hard to push my feelings back for two people, though both which were unattainable. I can tell you that doing this and pretending to push ur feelings away/ who you are.. will only exacerbate the problem. I understand though when I go to visit my parents I worry I'm lieing.. but yea.. honestly do you have a close friend, maybe you can come out to them and talk about it?

I know that in college one of my friends and I came out to each other.

I hope this helps!

 

Hi,

I will give you a little stoic advice (something that I am currently learning about). The ancient stoics were of the opinion that it is foolish for us to worry about what other people think of us, and it is especially foolish to seek the approval of people whose values we reject.

The stoic advice to ignore what others think of us is part of their larger admonition that we not concern ourselves with things that we can't control...and the opinions of others fall very much into that category. Instead of spending time worrying about others sneering at me, something over which I have zero control, I would rather spend time on things I can control, or at the very least some degree of control.

Yes, you can control your behaviour in order to "fit in", but the error lies in your belief that you will control others by controlling your behaviour. Somehow it is believed that by acting "normal" you will find approval from others. But therein lies the value that you do not share with the others, their notion of normal, in contrast to your own notion of what is normal to you...

Put another way, what you have is an obsession with what other people think of you; in order to overcome this obsession, you have to realize that in order to gain their approval you have to adopt their values, in other words, you will have to live your life according to their definition of success, and their definition of what is considered normal.

Is their notion of normal compatible with yours? Is the way they carry on in their "normalcy" compatible with living at peace and in tranquility (probably one of the highest stoic values)?

The stoics would also, as a form of training, deliberately behave and dress differently; not to seek attention, but to trigger the disdain of others in order to accustom themselves, as Cato (an ancient stoic) would say: "to be ashamed only of what was really shameful, and to ignore men's low opinion of other things."

There is one thing upon which the stoics agree about what we can control: our values, what we consider important and what we consider trivial. I suggest you start deciding what it is you value, and one thing of value that is certain is that coming out and being who you are tends to yield a massive increase in integrity and peace...not a bad trade-off for the disdain of others...

 

well said! :eusa_clap

 

I know exactly how you feel as I go through the same experience. I came out to a friend of mine, he is a new friend who doesn't know any of my other life long friends. He is bisexual which is geat because most all of my other friends are straight. So after a long time of being in the closet it was so great to talk to somebody about being gay. Such a relief to tell someone else who you truly are. It is like such a weight being lifted! You are still the same person as you were before you are just not living a lie. Believe me I know how it feels not fitting in. Listening to everyone else's romantic stories, having to pretend you think that girl is hot etc. etc. or just being excluded from the conversation about who's hooking up with who. So if you know someone who is part of the LGBT community try coming out to them. Then you have someone to talk to about coming out to your other friends. Not to mention the support you get here. I am still struggling with this too, but I now at least have my foot in the door (or should I say out of the door). Good luck with it!

 

I suspect that once you come out you will have no trouble "fitting in." At the moment you are trying to fit in with the wrong group of people.

 

I always felt out of place prior to coming out to myself. As if I could not find like minded people whom I could relate to nor whom could relate to me. When I was younger, I also went through a process of trying to reflect the way I talk, how I hold myself and how I dress to be "normal", yet I had no idea what that really even meant.

After I came out to myself, I attempted to then remove all of my self imposed "normalising" practices. The strange thing is, I think it was all in my head. Three years on, people I work with do not see me differently, my old friends think I am the same person but the big difference is with all of The new friends that I made - and where I actually can and do relate to them and whom I simply feel "Normal" around. All this and my personality has not changed, my manorisms have not changed, whom I am has not changed.

In my head, however, it all has changed. For the better. Never been happier.

 

In the end you realize that you are only fooling yourself.

 

I used to struggle a lot with worrying what others think, over-analyzing every conversation and stressing if I felt like if put my foot in my mouth/ said something stupid. As it turned out, all of that, literally all of it, was rooted in this constant impostor syndrome I felt from not being honest with myself about who I am. Since internalizing who I am and what my personal values ( as great whale mentioned) are, all of that has melted away. If you feel like you are existing with integrity, everyone else's bullshit ceases to matter.

 

I have to echo this. Coming out has not magically transformed me into a different person, and I'm frankly still the same introverted loner I always was. But accepting and embracing the fact that I'm gay has had the odd effect of helping me accept and embrace some of the other aspects of myself that I used to be down on. I used to look at my brother, with his hordes of buddies that he's known since grade school, or at people who would go hang out in bars with crowds of people and think, why can't I do that? Why don't I fit in?

Once I said, OK, you're gay, and that's who you are and nothing is wrong with it, something else occurred to me. Maybe being an introvert and a loner isn't something wrong, and maybe I'm not required to "fit in". I will say that I seem to function better in social situations than I used to, but it's really just because I've accepted something major about myself that I was always terribly uncomfortable with, and the rest of it just seems far less important. It's a lot easier to be semi-comfortable in a group of people when you're not in a panic over the image you're projecting.

And like OnTheHighway, I really haven't changed much. I might be a tad more interested in my appearance, but I've hardly gone from slovenly to GQ. I'm a little more flamboyant in gestures and expression, but not dramatically so. In fact, the only real feedback I've gotten from people is that I come across more confident and happier. And really, a happy person is more accessible and welcomed by others, so there's your "fitting in".

Be who you are, and learn to fit in with your own skin and your own mind. That's what really matters.

 

Depends on your upbringing. It's a learned behaviour like training a dog it's been bet into you. You are constrained as a result of training. Why doesn't a dog do certain things... Because doing so is associated with pain.

It's comfortable now to fit in, dead but comfortable. I guess the other side is liberation maybe.. (although I guess 'gay lifestyle' can be similarity limiting). Personally I'm no better, I'm reluctant to give up my privilege to be detested by people or even considered different. I'm improving but I've been willing to do and be just about anyone all my life for acceptance and now Ivan act without caring which frankly is probably camp I laugh a lot other gay men can tell I know.. But say the words... I'm fighting a lifetime of conditioning.

I more or less accept the gay thing now... I don't think it's going away but my feelings change I'm not in a place of security or comfort. I am supporting gay marriage referendum and arguing it in work. Some said you're not gay so why do you care, I paused and said nothing not my time yet or More likely cowardice, I like to thing I'm working on my own timeline... I've also fallen for someone who said he'd vote no... I Wanted to at least ask if he is curious but no longer... Still curious tho.

If you're a spiritual person and believe in a higher power this is all powerful stuff, the strongest plants grow in these windiest places.huge respect those with wives and families.