Making Friends & Dating in Your 30s

I can tell you it will work out, and I'm here listening, but I'm no help! I'm working on broadening my friendship circle right now too, and most of the people are moms of my kids' friends.

 

I am in exactly the same boat! You're not alone!

I don't have much of an answer. But I think you're right, continuing to go out there in a non-desperate way and meeting people and having fun with no expectations... eventually that's got to result in more friendships and some dating prospects. It might take a while though - and my worry is, by the time I meet her, she'll have missed the young and vibrant me! Age is a good thing, but I feel like I'll act young my whole life, and the person I merge my life with someday will never get to know me (and my body, lol) as young-all-over, not just "young-in-the-head"!

I have found that more women who are at least closer to my age range are online, and many of them seem like really cool people. But, most of them do have kids, or are not really out yet, or are otherwise really busy and kind of unavailable for something serious. Some people I have really hit it off with as friends, but you know, they have toddlers, and pretty soon you never hear from them again. I suspect they get so busy that they forget about you for a few months, and then remember adult life and feel embarrassed contacting someone online after that long.

I am open to women with kids in theory, but the reality is, they never have any time, and a romantic relationship is something I want to be a priority when I have one. I need time to talk with and get to know that person. And they are absolutely right to put their kids first, and I would not be into them if they didn't... but there you go. I want time to fall in love, which is hard enough with full-time jobs and the rest of life in the way. I don't want 5 minutes on the phone with a kid screaming in the background before they abruptly have to hang up. Additionally, I really want my own kids and it would be too heartbreaking to be a 3rd parent wheel, who has no say between the real mother, and possibly a father somewhere in the picture (or another mom).

So this kind of issue limits things further from really getting serious about a woman actually near my age. I am thinking I will skew toward upper 20s, so that at least for a professional woman, there's still a good chance that she doesn't have kids yet, might be comfortable in her gayness by then, and might be steady enough in career to have time for a relationship. Maybe. Plus, she can keep me young! But is that wrong? I feel a little guilty specifically looking for somebody younger... I don't want there to be a power imbalance, it's just hard to find a woman in her early or mid 30s who is gay and single and all the other things I'm looking for.

Oh, and there is another aspect, that I feel super ashamed of but I'll say here because it's an online forum! I wonder if other ladies have considered this like I have... but as I am getting older, I am losing my window to have biological kids if I wanted them - which I'm not sure about. A woman in her upper 30s who does not already have kids and who wants them is fairly rare. But even if I meet her, the reality is then we have to rush to get to know each other and start a family in barely any time at all, if either one of us wants to actually have a bio kid - much less more than one! On the other hand, if you end up falling in love with someone a few years younger (and if she happens to be able to have kids at all), then in theory you have a few extra years to get to know each other before you start to lose options in terms of having a family.

Maybe that sounds too calculated, and clearly I've had way too much time on my own to think about these things( ! ), but in theory anyway, it seems like a reasonable solution. In real life, you fall in love with who you fall in love with. But if I put myself in the late 20s pool more often, perhaps that ups the chances of meeting someone at that stage of her life? I don't know... if I were looking for a companion at 50-something, my way of going about this would probably be totally different. I hate that, but the family thing is a real issue to deal with. I only have a few years left to make this decision, and I don't think it's ideal to have a baby on m own and then try to meet someone - because then I'LL be the one with the screaming kid in the background hanging up early because they put rocks in their mouth!

I am probably too neurotic for somebody to date at this moment in my life... but these are the things I think about with all my time alone.


On a brighter note, it does seem to me that another way to try to meet available women in the right age range is gay-lady concerts (or perhaps posting a MeetUp event to a lesbian group to see a band from your personal era, so that the majority who might want to go or who at least would post comments about it would be the right age), or to go to a lesbian/"women's" festival, where there are so many lesbians you're bound to run into a few in the right age range who are single.

I'm as clueless as anybody when it comes to this stuff. But I do wish it were easier. I'm trying to be patient, but I'm not really much of a casual dater. I'm not a Uhauler by any means, but I really wish I could just meet the woman who is destined to steal my heart (ah, unbearably cheesy, I know!) and move on in my life in the direction I eventually want to go already!

Incidentally, I notice you're from Northern England... any chance you've seen the old show Lip Service? I was really into that show, saw it on Netflix. It was so much better than that US crap "L Word" (sacrilege, I know). I am also a fan of the Scottish accent on women, so it was a fun show to watch for me - if disturbing.

Time for bed! Feeling kind of lonely tonight. Maybe tomorrow will be better!

---------- Post added 11th May 2015 at 10:19 PM ----------

Just thought of another possibility - women's sports teams?

Perhaps there are more women in their 30s on a roller derby team, or softball or hockey or soccer? Of course, then there is the whole butch/femme issue, both there are a lot of women I think who play these sports who are all over the board in terms of their personal style and personality.

You could try a team just once and see if it seem like a good place to make friends.

Or "women's" anything - any kind of group that does things skewing to a young but not too young crowd, might have more people since it's not specifically mentioned to be lesbian, but many of them would likely be in the realm of possibility...

I was thinking about starting a women's kayak group or something...

 

Awesome that you went out! I think you're right about the numbers game.

Totally get it. So much of that is how I feel, too.

And good point about the generational thing! That's another complicated point to meeting people that seems to narrow the range of years where we will relate well to people, being in our 30s. I don't want to be with somebody in the closet, because that takes a long time and is a lot of heartbreak while they waffle back and forth between hating themselves and not, and thus hating YOU and what you represent in their world or not.

I have another layer of complication to throw in there, which is for me, I am bisexual, but only want to date women. There are a lot of women - especially those in the older group - who harbor a ton of bi hate. And for those who don't... well, often they're bisexual. But let's be real, there is a big range of what bisexual means. A lot of women, given the homophobia of the world, might want to kiss, or even sleep with a woman, or perhaps date for a few months. But when it comes down to it, a lot don't really feel comfortable committing a lifetime to a woman, having a family with her, and even marrying her officially if that is an option. So they get close, and then they run away because it is too scary. I think that will change over time, and is probably already changing in areas where gay rights have made advancements. But still, there is a stigma that some can't overcome, even if they really like you and are attracted to you. So finding someone who is ok with who I was born as a person, and who is also really serious about being with a woman long-term, is not quite as easy - although definitely not impossible! I'm not looking for casual dates, ultimately. Although of course, I too would like to make friends with cool women, it's not just about the romance. But I already have friends.

EXACTLY! Most of the time I am cool with my life, and where I am on the journey. I like being independent. I like not having to consider someone else's feelings every time I make a decision! There are a lot of awesome things about being single. But, once in a while I get that same feeling you do, I am not the center of anybody's world, and no one is really mine.

The thing I hate the worst about being single, is when something wonderful happens, I have nobody to share it with. I mean sure, big things you can call a friend and tell them about it, but they're never going to have their earth shaken by it the way you would, the way a serious romantic partner would. And most of the time, it's a little thing. I have a beautiful life, and there are so many tiny moments where I realized something I never thought of before, or I took a photograph of a butterfly in my yard, or I tried this amazing new food... you know, something tiny and wonderful. And my first thought is how much I want to share that with someone, how much I wish someone were right there with me to see it because the translation's never going to be the same... and there's nobody there to share it. When I cook a meal so amazing it makes my limbs melt a little (once in a while it happens!), it KILLS me that I can't have made that for a woman I care about, that nobody else will taste it. What am I going to do, call a friend on the phone and say "Oh my god, I just made the best gnocchi..."? It's really not the same. Or I just want to hold a woman I love at night and make her feel safe and loved. Just because that is my joy. I have all this love, and nowhere to put it right now.

Friends and romantic partners fill different voids, as you say. I want a family member, a best friend, a crush object... you know, all of that together rolled up into one person. A partner in life, in finances, in raising kids from wherever they might come from, in sharing hardships and joys. Somebody who gets me. Somebody I really get, to the core of their being. Somebody I KNOW better than anybody else on the planet knows them. Somebody I am important to, and who is important to me.

I had all of that in the past, but it was to the wrong person. So I know it's all stuff I want, and stuff that exists in the universe and that I'm capable of. But I need to give it to the right person for me, a woman who really fits me, a woman who gets me, a woman who knows the center of who I am and LIKES me. A woman I respect.

Thanks for asking, I'm not so lonely now. It comes and goes. I think that was the first time in my life I ever admitted that on a forum! But it was what I was feeling at the time. My life has a lot of good things, so lots of days I don't really feel it. But I think I'm getting closer to really putting myself out there, because I am getting all my internal stuff together, and noticing my lack of a serious love interest more. As my life gets better and better, I just want somebody to share all that with! I think that's a good sign.

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As for Lip Service, if you thought you liked the part you saw, you should definitely watch it straight through from the first episode (the story is very chronological, so you miss a lot if you watch it out of order). It's not going to be everybody's thing, but as far as lesbian shows go, I thought it was one of the better ones. It's on Netflix, and also Youtube. (I also liked the mini-series "Tipping the Velvet," which I haven't seen in years so don't remember all of, but I remember being impressed with it showing a type of lesbianism I thought was so normal compared to the craziness of lots of shows and movies. That is also available, but harder to get one's hands on for free. I found them on Youtube with Spanish subtitles though, still watchable.)

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Hope going out went well! Got to keep putting yourself out there if you want something to happen!

 

Hi - nothing very helpful to say except to add to the 'same boat' sentiment!

In my area I have made some brilliant friends since coming out and joining local LGBT groups, but the groups are mainly gay men. I have made some brilliant male gay friends my own age and (after a fairly lonely time in my life when I only really had one friend) it is a joy to be asked to join in with activities and go to things with them. However not great prospects in terms of dating opportunities!

I have also joined the predominant local lesbian group in my area and I'm afraid I have found it not just consistently almost entirely of older women but also to be very clichey with lots of different factions, which makes things very uncomfortable. A lot of them are also very anti-men (through bad first marriages) and I find that a shame as I have lots of great male friends. I didn't come out until 27 and I see lesbian friends/acquaintances I was friends with at school settled down with their girlfriends.

I have no clue where the 25 - 40 year old lesbians are hiding! (One of my male gay friends suggested perhaps there is an 'inbox' 'ba dum tush!] that I don't know about!)

I have met someone I really like through online dating and we're slowly getting to know each other but I haven't really met anyone single my own age in 'real life'.

I am half in the mind of setting up my own group to attract more women to LGBT groups but want to find a way of making it really appeal to women without excluding men because I don't know whether it's the 'women only' environment that has created such an uncomfortable atmosphere in the other lesbian group.

 

Interesting question! I have been thinking more about the idea of starting a group too, and my thought was perhaps to be inclusive of all types of women but through something physical or that otherwise might appeal to lady-loving girls (not sure what yet), which might prevent the cliquiness and bring a younger crowd, and allow some women who don't feel comfortable in the LGBTQ scene yet to show up. The ones who constantly inter-date within the small local gay scene is where things seem to get toxic and drama-fied, so I thought that might keep it a little fresher... I don't know.

I don't know about the issue with men. I think men can be awesome, but it does seem like anytime you invite them to anything, they have a tendency to take it over and crowd all the women out, unintentionally making them feel uncomfortable and unheard. I would personally probably put less priority on showing up to a group that had men in it too, as I would one that was women-only... although I don't hate men. It's just so rare to truly get a female-only space, where women are heard and where their opinions are regarded with respect and reverence. But I agree that some diversity is needed among the women!

One thing that I experienced while living in a different city that I thought had an amazing environment was a women's meditation group. It was part of a larger LGBTQ meditation, so some meetings were mixed with men. But then sometimes we had our own more intimate meeting space with just the women, and because it was focused on peace and meditation for about an hour, with some time before to talk, and some time after to eat and mingle, it was really wonderful, and had such a supportive and comfortable vibe. There was none of that tension, or negativity, or meat-market feeling, or need to worry about what age people were - plus it attracted a wide range of ages. This would be an awesome thing for every town to have, and might be a good type of solution for the problem. I suppose it could also be redone with any peaceful type activity, like maybe with drawing, or photography, or rowing, or maybe even drum circles or singing, or...?

I have noticed that Meetups for "Lesbian Professionals" tend to have more women in their 30s, and there are also groups that specifically restrict the age group to like 25-40. But in making restrictions, you need to make sure enough people can come in a smaller town, or an area where people don't feel safe being Out in public. But then, there is still no guarantee that the women there will be single and available. And I have found that when you attend something that specifically states it's for Lesbian Singles, most of the people who show up seem so desperate to get in a relationship by the end of the night they don't even bother to listen to what your name was, they're already asking you if you might like to move into the empty apartment in their building (that actually happened to me!). So hard to get the right vibe in these groups to meet cool, level-headed women.

Maybe starting an LGBTQ Volunteer group would be cool? Good mix of people, do-gooders and positive vibe, helping people/causes so it's not a waste of time even if you don't meet anybody who seems like a possible friend, good chance to get out and try something new...? I don't know, but I would think this would appeal to a range of ages, too. Or one could make it specifically for people in or near their 30s, if there are enough to show up... I would LOVE to meet a woman who is into volunteering!
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However, if you want to see people somewhere in our range of ages, and you happen to be stuck at home for an evening without the social adventures, just thinking about that show Tipping the Velvet made me want to check it out again because I couldn't really remember it, and wow!, I forgot how much I liked it! I started last night and ended up binging through all 3 shows by this morning. And if you stick it out through the 3rd episode, it gets really romantic. I didn't realize they came from books, but now that I saw that I might check them out, and also it seems that the same author had other BBC productions made. The next one I think is called Fingersmith (which sounds pretty dirty to me, frankly, lol!), but I'm going to check that out next to see if I like it. I liked their willingness to explore different facets of female sexuality, and to really show a bit of what women falling in love feels like. I felt that once, but it was for somebody who ultimately was too afraid to return my love, because of the life it meant she would have to live. I thought overall Tipping the Velvet showed a really positive view of lesbian relationship possibilities, which is rare. And for those days when you can't be out with other actual lesbians, it's nice to at least see a vision of the kind of experiences you may eventually find out there!