Yet another round of thinking out loud. Feel free to do something more productive than reading this, like scrubbing the kitchen floor with a Q-tip. I have bitched, er, discussed my serious case of social isolation (including my total local friend count of zero) on numerous threads here. Today, I realized I've been whining talking on this topic one way or another for over two years. And who knows how many years before that I've been A) socially isolated and B) had issues of at least occasional severe loneliness. And at two years, I have made zero progress. It's truly a disheartening realization. I know there is nothing anyone can realistically suggest. I already know the answer: I have two options. I can keep meeting people, and maybe one day I'll actually connect with someone. Maybe I'll also win Mega Millions, even though I never buy lottery tickets. Or else I can just give up, and accept that this is the way it is.
I feel for you dude. Ive been feeling hopeless for ages now. I'm in a situation where I'm utterly trapped with no way out, but I feel I might be able to meet people and at least be friends with them. I'm not a sociable person but I have forced myself to go to an LGBT group because I just have zero gay friends Also I plucked up the courage and created an account on a dating website to see if I can meet up with some local guys who are the same as me. I'm finding it tough to do this but the alternative is to live in perpetual depression and I'm not getting any younger.... Oh and I love where you live, best holiday of my life when I visited last year
Hi BMC, I was alone and friendless for the last few YEARS. It certainly did end up being very disheartening. I ended up feeling like, I must be a very unlikable sort of person. But I recently started this course (it's to help long-term unemployed folks into work) and there I've gotten to know a few people, and some of them I quite like. They seem to like me back too, and I'm beginning to forge a few friendships, it would seem. But this happened not intentionally. I got roped into that course, and I didn't even want to do it at first. So, I kind of got lucky in that respect. I don't know your situation, but I suspect that extreme social isolation is often due to not having enough to do. It was in my case. Not having a workplace to go to. Not having any study to do. I mean, if we are not studying, or working, or even volunteering, then we don't get to practice social interaction very much. The course I'm doing has required that I break out of my shell a bit, and learn how to relax around other people again. Just having to go there for two days a week, has made a difference in my life. I've also realized that I have tended to be too 'picky' when it comes to who I would consider being friends with. I now don't regard having similar interests as important as having similar values. I might not be able to discuss philosophy or classical music or meditation practices (for example) with someone, but if they have a kind heart, are generous, have a sense of humour, well that actually means more to me now, than if we can discuss those things, or not. Plus, I'm also learning how to ask people about themselves more, rather than being in too much of a hurry to talk about what interests me. I'm learning the art of conversation. I'm even getting better at casual, joking 'small talk' etc. ( I used to be almost incapable of it, but I'm getting better with practice. I don't always have to discuss deep or meaningful things with people. Sometimes just how the weather is, and how someone is faring, is enough. lol.) I hope me relating my own ongoing journey in this respect, is helpful to you in some way. Lastly, if I can begin to break out of isolation, so can you. I was almost terminally isolated. I lived in a hell of my own thoughts, as they were my only companions for most of a day (sometimes, for all of a day). I was beginning to think I would end up 'dying alone'. So take heart. Things can and do change. (*hug*) A ''''-
I can relate. I have made a friend at work, but she's only a friend at work, we almost never see each other outside work. Which is fine, but since she's my only friend who isn't on the internet it is kind of depressing. I've been trying to go to meetup groups. Today I screwed up and missed out on one. The last one I went to actually went pretty well, but I'm still not sure if I'm going to make actual friends. I just wish I had someone to go to the movies with or out to dinner or just talk to. (Ideally I'd like dates also, but I'm not even trying for that right now.) Anyway I don't mean to add my woes to your post. But I do agree with the above that it isn't hopeless and you shouldn't give up. I never thought I'd meet my friend at work and she really is a good friend who I can talk to, even if we're only friends at work. So I'm trying to have confidence that I'll meet other people. It's very hard though, so I can relate so much to what you are saying.
Hi Consider your age and your situation... You are part of a generation highly oppressed over sexuality. Many guys in your demographic are damaged emotionally. In addition gay culture in your demographic is also "off" due to oppression. Add to that the small number of guys who are good matches who are not already partnered. It is a numbers game. You have to play the numbers hard for the odds favor the house. It may not be you at all. Tom
Hey BMC, I have walked on this same path with you these past two+ years, and although you may not realize it, I have noticed a difference. I really do think you have gained a measure of confidence, yes, confidence, that wasn't there in the beginning. Sometimes the "work" that we do, the stuff that we think about and come to accept does not seem to go anywhere, but this is an illusion. That wonderful expression: "still waters run deep" applies to you in every respect. There are few people here who are as self-aware as you, and awareness is the beginning of everything. Most importantly, awareness draws you to understand that what you think affects what you do, more than your circumstances, more than your background, what you believe affects what you see, about others and about yourself. Keep meeting people, as people. Not potential dates, or any other agenda, keep trying, you are still young, and there is still so much you can do. I suspect that you live humbly because you value simplicity, that is a virtue in my book; so many people cultivate the accumulation of stuff and the accumulation of pleasures and luxuries, forgetting that there are more important things in life. To be disheartened arises mostly because you are comparing yourself to a standard that is not of your own choosing. Choose (recognize?) instead the things that you yourself value, and measure your life by your own criteria, you may find a measure of peace in that.
This is great advice"Choose (recognize?) instead the things that you yourself value". Count your blessings, such as, strangers are being kind to you and being aware that you have the ability to seek advice, which is a great leap of hope.
Thanks everyone! A few comments... The comment about the Seattle area reminds me--not that I needed much reminder--of something. This area has a lot going for it, and I can easily imagine it being a nice place to vacation. But...it is notoriously hard to connect with other people here. Hence the term "Seattle Freeze." One issue I am faced with is the nature of my life does make it hard to have regular contact with others. I try to address this by purposely going to events or meetings with groups where I can interact. I'm hideously underemployed, and it's been a long time since I actually had a position where I was in contact with many others. I've fallen into that "picky" trap, too... And that is roughly where I am. Finding Mr. Right would be nice. Finding just a really close friend would be nice. But I realize that one starts small. The closest relationships one might have are with people started out as strangers. Past that, just casual friends with whom I could have a picnic this summer or do things with would be nice. Problem is: I can't even make casual friends. I'm glad there may be some change; there are times I have wondered if I've moved forward at all from Feb. 2013! Interestingly, I've had somewhat similar thoughts during my rational moments the last few days (all five seconds those rational moments lasted :lol. My thought: continue going to various events, with no expectations past going to the event (and hoping that the event itself will be worth something). If I connect with other people, good, if not, well, that's the way it is that evening. My White Trash Budget also forces humble living. :tears: But I have come to realize a value in simplicity. Hopefully, I'll eventually escape poverty...but I would hope to carry a value of simplicity forward--focus resources on what does matter, and avoid the things that don't matter.
I am very much in a similar situation. I've got few to none as far as active friendships in my life and my social life is non existent. The few friendships I have aren't exactly a daily, weekly or even monthly get together type thing. It's really once in a blue moon and generally a few drinks on a Patio in the sun and then repeat several months later. Even then none of the, are situations where I feel I can entirely be myself or where I feel they are people I can count on. I've done much of that to myself though, years ago there were people that would call or pop by and make some sort of effort but I was burying myself in work and running from who I am that eventually those few that had made the effort stopped. For me though while it causes sadness as I start to get to the point where it'd be nice to have at least one person I could truly count on, travel with,to grow with etc I am not uncomfortable with solitude. I've spent my career in largely people focused businesses which I've said for years has been either a blessing or a curse. For me to work with people,deal with customers that social interaction is often enough to fill a big part of that void. But then on the other hand I wonder if I'd worked in a less social profession if I'd have been forced to make more of an effort to build a social life outside of work. It gets tougher the older we get for everyone I think and I know that to be healthy and happier in life I to need to start finding avenues to interact more outside of a work setting. I look to groups but my schedule doesn't fit something that's routine but I'm thinking it's just going to take being will to do things on my own where I'm bound to run into people. Rather then walk my dogs through the neighbourhood I've begun to take them to a dog park which I think is a nice avenue and I think as the weather continues to get nicer I'm going to try to make the effort to tour the city more myself and be willing to stop into the odd pub or coffee shop to have a drink a lone.
