Family Therapy with Kids

So, the past few years has been progressing well in many respects following my catalyst moment. Amicable separation for the most part from my ex, in a wonderful relationship that has real legs for the long term, work is going well.

However, my relationship with my 16 and 17 year old kids have been quite a roller coaster. Since I have moved out, they have seen me on average maybe 1.5 times per month (and I move two blocks away). When we get together, it's usually for an hour and a half at a meal.

I do attend school functions (been to their plays, sporting competitions, etc) and I am there in bad times (just yesterday one of them had to go to the hospital for an allergic reaction and I was bedside the entire time).

When one of them went on a tour of universities, Mom took them rather than dad, although dad pushed hard to go together (mom was too uncomfortable).

We had one trip together, and that was to visit my father for three nights, but aside from that no other holidays together in the past 2.5 years.

Now, when they need something, of course I get the call or text - it's a birthday and someone wants a gift, summer is coming and another wants my help to get them into a summer program.

My ex insists she has been pushing them to be closer to me, but although I am sure she does use the words, they had always been closer to their mom growing up, and they seem to have both a need to protect their mom and a belief that when I left their mom, I left them as well. At the same time, it really is up to them and myself to figure things out, which I recognise.

When I did leave the house, I intentionally move only a few blocks a way, we discussed how I would come over a few times a week to see everyone and we even agreed to still have holidays together. All those early agreements unravelled, despite my attempts to facilitate them.

I have tried to have discussions with them but they usually get heated and rather than making progress, it makes things worse. Over the last few years I also had suggested to them that we attend therapy together, but they had continuously resisted.

So, finally, this weekend, while at dinner together, we had quite a fight after I expressed my concern that they do not want to participate in my life nor take the time to get to know their father. Following the fight, however, they did finally agree to go to therapy with me.

So, our first session is tonight. I know in the long run it will be good for us. But I am typically a very direct and open person and I feel compelled to be completely honest when we are at the session. At the same time, I really hope they are fully honest with me as well. I am sure there will be a lot of pain coming out tonight. I am a bit anxious. But I love them dearly and I hope this is one of those taking a few steps back before making leaps forward type moments.

If not, my fear is that the damage from the past few years has festered too long and might be irreversible. I guess I will see.

Thanks for taking the time to read if you got through this post

 

Well, I came out with a few bruises. But I think we are all in agreement that the session was beneficial and everyone is committed to following through with additional sessions. No issues at all with me being gay (nor any issues from friends). They expressed a bunch of typical teenager angst associated with maturing and wanting to be recognized as an adult, finding a balance between parents when parents split and, of course, Dad needing to generally be more sensitive (that kinda hurt to hear I was not being sensitive, but I needed to hear it).

Of course, I made a few mistakes along the way, and of course, so did they. But everyone wants to work through it.

The therapist did an outstanding job helping to direct the discussion. There was some tension and emotion, and he helped us manage through it. I was so nervous before hand, but now I feel amazingly optimistic that we will work through it.

Why it took two years to get to this point is beyond me (they needed to agree), but at least we all finally got here. Will provide updates as our sessions progress.

 

Headshaver,

Like you, we waited until school ended. And I was asked to tell them alone. I kept the discussion short and to the point. Explained we were separating and explained that I was gay. My kids were shocked and cried, and then they spent time with their mother. The mistake I made, in retrospect, was not spending more time with them for the days and weeks following the discussion. They stayed with their mom while I moved out. That was a period where a lot of perceptions where solidified in their head and a lack of communication enhanced a lot of misperceptions.
My kids were raised to be very tolerant. One of my daughters even participated in an equalities training program on her own initiative which was a program reserved for only two students at her school. They spend two weekends a month working with disadvantage families as well. So they have been raised with an open mind. At the same time, they have gay friends and being gay in school is not really an issue for the majority of kids; hence the lack iof fundamental issues with me being gay.
That said, I do believe communication is key, and I was never a good communicator given I kept so much bottled up inside.

Good luck with your discussions!