in 30s & questioning sexuality

Hello!
I am actually a bit unsure how to best explain what I am feeling the last months (years?). I am single for many, many years but never thought it might have actually to do with a possible preference for women (or both men and women). I believe I am not too bad looking , have an interesting job and life living abroad for roughly 10 years, am a happy person with many friends, men are interested in me and I have occasional one-night stands with men which I mostly enjoyed. But then, I have a big problem to commit to the men I have met and engage with them romantically. Not even an affair, it’s always just a night of sex and when the guy calls the next day, I find an excuse! More and more, I also noticed that I check out women when I am going out or that I have felt attracted to one or two of my female friends. In contrast to my teen years, I mostly have close female friends now as well as I do not connect and open up so easily with men, even if it’s just a platonic friendship. (Maybe a general remark at this point: It normally takes me a while to feel comfortable sharing my feelings and personal life with other people, whatever their gender is...)

On the other hand, I am not sure if my attraction to women just derives from the very close friendships I have with these female friends or if I could actually imagine myself acting on these feelings by having sex or being in a relationship with a woman. Not that I can say at this point that I actually would dare to do it! In my head, I feel attracted to women mostly with regards to the intimacy and the possibility of being in a loving relationship. Nonetheless, I also fantasize about being with a woman in a sexual way. On the other hand, my body does not react as strongly as when I fantasize about having sex with a man. Not sure if this is due to the fact that I have never had sex with a woman and cannot really relate to it... I hope this makes sense, I actually feel a bit lost myself! Does anyone have an advice or can relate to my story?

 

Thanks, that sounds like a good plan!

Yes, I think you put it quite well about being interested but completely lost on how to go from there. Also the uncertainty not knowing what “this feeling” actually is: curiosity, a sex fantasy or actually realizing that you are bi or lesbian…

Have you tried to meet women? For me, it’s slightly difficult because I currently live in a country in which homosexuality is illegal and as I am a foreigner here, I do not want to risk it. Or this is just another excuse for me not to do anything about it, who knows?

As I wrote above, I still feel attracted to men, which also not necessarily increases the urgency to find out what my attraction to women is actually about. Maybe it will change though, similar to your experience that your attraction to men lessened. But for now, I am scared to put myself out there while being in the “comfortable” situation to have another option. But of course, I would be lying if I’d say to be completely happy with the current state and obviously sharing my story on this website shows that it is on my mind a lot.

Do you still feel attracted to men in a romantic way or is it limited to physical attraction? Do you make a difference? As I mentioned, I enjoy the sex with man but I cannot imagine myself being in a relationship with them which really confuses me. Not sure, if it has to do with general trust/commitment issues or if this would be different with a woman… I only know that I would like to have a relationship but that I have only experienced close intimacy with women (friends) in the past years. It feels as something is off with the men I have met..