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Dating (no experience of anything)!

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Siarad, May 16, 2015.

  1. Siarad

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    I am repeating some stuff I have put elsewhere, but this is on my mind a lot at the moment.

    I am 29 (30 on 1st June) and I only came out when I was 27.

    At university I had a boyfriend but I only kissed him, never slept with him (for obvious reasons, in hindsight!) I have also kissed one other man since when I was dallying with a relationship with him. The second man I kissed, I was more mature and told him that it really wasn't working for me because I thought I was gay. Other than those experiences, I have no experience of relationships.

    Now I've come out, I've made some brilliant (mostly gay men) friends and I'm really enjoying my new-found LGBT social life, which has left me feeling happier and more content and secure in myself than ever.

    I have now met (through online dating) a very nice, beautiful woman who I get on very well with. We have met twice now. I was absolutely terrified the first time, as I had never really been on a first date before. It was a lot more relaxed and friendly the second time. We are trying to organise a third date (although it's difficult as we both live very busy lives).

    The trouble is, I feel absolutely out of my depth in the dating world. I don't feel like I know anything about signals or knowing when to make moves, or how to make moves, etc.

    I feel like I am more mature and grown-up than I've ever felt in my life, have done a lot of work to overcome challenges and to achieve in my career. Suddenly, when it comes to my social life, I am confident and able (where I used to be a nervous wreck). However, now I am doing 'dating' for the first time and when it comes to that, feel like a teenager again (not in the good way, in the nervous and massively awkward way!) And this all before we even get close to the thoughts around being a virgin at 30 and when to bring all that up with a woman!

    Has anyone else experienced first dating as an adult? Any ideas or advice gratefully received!
     
  2. 99701

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    Sounds very familiar. I had my first date with a man I met online on Wed. Feeling like a teenager definitely describes it. I think it will get easier as you spend more time together. My online profile said I hadn't dated before, so he was well aware before we met. Does she know how new to this you are?
     
  3. skiff

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    Dating....

    There is no one answer...

    Age, location, local LGBT culture, local spoken mainstream culture, hidden mainstream culture and your behaviour and self acceptance will all flavor your experience.

    Even within 10 miles it can be extremely different.

    My gay therapist is actively aiding me in moving into a more gay friendly area of Massachusetts which is an uber liberal State but away from pockets of LGBT an unspoken agenda (old culture) still affects gay behaviour away from those pockets.

    There is no one answer in gay dating except to keep trying and learning.
     
  4. Siarad

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    I haven't told her that I haven't been with a woman before. I didn't want to say it initially unless it put people off. She appears quite shy at times, in her own way. It's a difficult thing to bring up without seeming like I'm making the 'relationship' into something more than it is yet. I am a bit stuck for the right moment to tell her.

    - - - -

    The LGBT 'scene' that I have become involved with is more predominantly gay men, who have been brilliant friends to me but I haven't met many women my own age through it. Lesbian groups I've got involved with have also been mainly older women.
     
  5. TheStormInside

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    Your experience is very similar to mine, though you are a bit ahead of me! I'm not totally out yet, and haven't started dating women. So I am sorry I can't give you any advice in this area, but do know at least you aren't alone!
     
  6. Lyana

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    Hi Siarad,

    It's cool that you've met a woman you're interested in! It's not surprising the first date was scary for you. And look at it this way: the teen years are some of the most intense of your life, so it's pretty awesome that you get to experience the thrills of starting to date when you're past teenagerdom.

    The first dates I went on with a girl was with someone I could already call my friend, so there was none of the "getting to know each other" awkwardness, but it was also the first time I actually went on a proper date that wasn't with a guy I was already in a relationship with. I had basically no idea what I was doing (like, a date? What's that?). So there was plenty of nervousness to go around. I was technically an adult, but also technically still in my teens, so you might not totally relate.

    As long as the nerves aren't crippling you (ie you can still talk, laugh, and have a good time), I would say just go with the flow. It's normal to be nervous, and it will go away as you get more comfortable with each other. And it's part of the fun.

    As for signals, making moves... I don't know where you're at (say, if you've kissed yet or not), but in general it's pretty safe to take it slow, but be confident about it.
    Start off with light, "excusable" touches (brushing a strand of hair out of her face and laughing it off, touching her wrist and asking her where she got that bracelet, touching her neck and asking if the necklace means anything, letting your knees touch when you're sitting side by side). If she smiles, leans into your touch, or reciprocates it, good!
    Then you can move on to more deliberate touching (lacing fingers together at the table, laying a hand on her shoulder for support, running your hand down her arm, carding your fingers through her hair). Try to see if she initiates any touches, too.
    For kissing, if you're unsure whether it's all right to make a move -- if she's reciprocrating and/or initiating touching, and making lots of eye contact, go for it! Also go for it if you've been on several dates, you've had a good time, and you just want to. And since by now you're comfortable touching, you can kiss with your hands all over her body.

    As for the virgin topic -- well, if you keep seeing her and the topic of past experiences come up, that's a good time to mention it (as well as even just saying you've never had a relationship with a girl before). You'll probably want to tell her before things get too physical, just to explain that you might be nervous.
     
  7. RainbowBright

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    Congrats on getting this far! That's awesome!

    If you're intending for this to be casual, then you don't really need to tell her. But if you're serious about this girl, eventually you'd want her to know the real you, right?

    I would think a good middle ground is just to say something like, "I haven't really been in a lot of relationships before now, and so I feel sort of self-conscious, like I might be missing cues sometimes. I need you to take the lead on this a little, ok? I need you to be open about what you want, if you think I'm missing it."

    A lot of women would actually find that cute, and kind of hot. And you'll catch up in no-time, and then it will be more of an equal thing.

    But do you know for sure that she's not in the same boat as you, that she's dated other women a lot? If she has, then you can easily say "You have a little more experience than me, so could you maybe... teach me what you like?" But if not, she might actually not know any more than you do!

    I am a firm believer that if you're going to be vulnerable enough to be naked in front of someone and have sex with them, then you should be close enough to them to be able to talk about the sex you're going to be having. So if you're really getting that close to the actual thing, I do think you should consider telling her that you've never done it before, and need a little guidance. But I don't think you have to throw that out there before it's relevant, unless you want to. I know, some people just want to get it over with and with do it with someone casually and never say anything. But if you care about this woman and want to be emotionally close with her, it is the wrong way to go to mislead her. If she's not cool with helping you through these steps, then she is really the wrong person for you anyway, because a lot of women would find it very exciting, if a little intimidating maybe. So you shouldn't have to be afraid to tell her because of rejection - because if she rejects you over that, she's a tool anyway.

    But it might create a really special opportunity for the two of you, anyway. Keep us posted on what goes down!
     
  8. Chimera

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    I am both glad and sad to see this post. I have never dated, never been in a relationship, never had sex, and just turned 30. So I can’t answer your question, but I can say that you are not alone.

    Honestly, the part that scares me more then the lack of dating/sexual experience is telling someone that I don’t have any experience with being in a relationship.

    Great to read the advise you are receiving!
     
  9. eburian

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    I'm so glad I saw this post too. I've dated but it's never gone anywhere except I did date a guy for six months in highschool but other than that I think about this topic too a lot especially the lack of experience part. I've date women but I feel like with online dating I didn't really know what I wanted.. dating is still kind of new to me too.. esp. having hope that it will go somewhere.. I'm trying to get an approach of having no expectations with dating and seeing where that goes, meaning seeing a couple people at a time, upping my chances or something..

    I will say I can relate to "feeling like a teenager" I didn't really get those lovey dovey, intense infatuation until a couple years ago and now.. so I feel sorta like I'm catching up. Still, they almost came in waves so it was like.. very new.. haha

    Congrats for finding a cool woman! Let us know how it goes.

    :grin: