This is my first time posting to this forum. I'm 44 years old, married almost 19 years to a woman and we have 3 kids together (ages 10 to 15). I knew from an early age that I had an attraction to males. I remember I would develop crushes on some of my male friends and as I entered puberty I began to fantasize about them while I masturbated. I cannot remember ever having these types of feelings toward any female. However, I never acted on any of these feelings. I've never had sexual contact with another male. Having come to age in the 80's, and given my relatively conservative upbringing, coming out as gay wasn't really an option I had considered. I had thought that I wanted to live my life as a straight man, with a wife and a family. I was in a tough spot as a young adult - I desired homosexual sex but was afraid to pursue it, and so I repressed these feelings. I also desired a girlfriend to become my wife and life partner, yet I had hardly any sexual attraction toward females. I ultimately met the woman who would become my wife and mother of my children. We were both virgins when we met. We struggled through the awkwardness of new sex together. She was and still is my best friend, we make a great team. But I hid my homosexual desires from her for many years - I satisfied my "urges" through gay porn. Eventually an invisible emotional wall formed between us due to my hidden life. I confessed my porn addiction to her (but didn't reveal the nature of the porn). She supported my attempt to give up the porn. However, this was a fruitless endeavor as it cut off my only means of satisfying my urges. I began to secretly begin using porn again. One evening I was caught "red handed". She was very hurt, and I saw no other option than to confess all of my true thoughts to her. Although the news was met with some shock and fear about the future of our marriage, she has shown nothing but love for me throughout all of this. She emphasized that she just wants me to be happy. But I can't necessarily say that I'm happy. I have everything a man could want: a great wife and family, a good job, comfortable living. But I live with frequent episodes of depressive feelings. We have good sex, but it doesn't leave me 100% fulfilled and I still feel the urge to have my other needs met in some way. I still medicate using porn from time to time. I don't always perform well in bed with her, and I beat myself up over that. I can't help to think that we're both deprived of great sex. I know there is much much more to a great marriage than just great sex. In all other respects we have a great thing going on. I'm totally open to her about my homosexual desires, and it is my true desire to remain faithful to her. But I'm wondering if I'm just hanging on - is infidelity inevitable? Right now it feels like it is. Will we ultimately divorce? I don't know. It feels like divorce will allow me to fill one hole I have in my life (please, no puns) but would leave a tremendously larger hole in the process. I don't know where all this is going. But at least I thought I'd introduce myself to the group with a bit of my background. Thanks everyone!
Welcome to EC! Its great that you have such a supportive wife. And it sounds like from what you have written you are happy with all other aspects of your life and relationship. Assuming this is the case, and your wife is your best friend - you have a great home life, you enjoy each others company - but the one hole is the lack of satisfying sex, have you considered talking to her about exploring your sexual desires outside the marriage? She does sound supportive thus far, and you say she wants you to be happy. As two adults with mutual respect, such a discussion may not be completely out of bounds. In my case, I was initially asked to consider staying in our marriage. But given I had felt neglected during my marriage and was fundamentally not happy, I made the decision that I wanted to start over with a completely clean sheet of paper. There is no one approach in your situation, and only you and your wife can figure out what the best solution is. It needs to work for the both of you, putting aside what conventional wisdom might otherwise suggest.
Thank you so much for the thoughtful reply. I have read some accounts of others who have opted to renegotiate the terms of their marriages to allow more open exploration. I've considered bringing it up to her. I fear the mere act of asking the question would deal her a crushing blow. I can see her feeling rejected by my asking. I also wonder about the long-term effectiveness of this approach. Of course that's up to the specific individuals involved, but on average I wonder how well it works long-term. But you're right: everyone's situation is unique, and there are no easy answers.
While I think it's possible to be sexually active with other males while remaining within the confines of a straight marriage (either on the down low or with your wife's permission), the real test comes if and when you fall in love with a man. The combination of a sexual relationship plus emotional attachment is overwhelming, and very likely fatal to the continuation of any mixed-orientation marriage. If you are bound and determined that your marriage must survive, you might want to think twice before beginning to experiment sexually with other males.
Hi Dan, welcome to EC. Many people would love to have all the good things about your relationship that you describe and I guess marriage (any marriage) is a compromise. If you want to stay within the marriage perhaps you could have a conversation along the lines of masturbation as an outlet, as an addition to the sex life within the marriage. This is surely a lot less threatening to her than infidelity. Does she have an understanding of masturbation? Does she engage in it away from you? ---------- Post added 18th May 2015 at 05:01 PM ---------- I'm not suggesting this as an alternative for everyone but as something to consider as a compromise for someone who wants to stay within a mixed orientation marriage.
Welcome to EC!!!I completely understand your situation as I am in one that is very similar, with the exception that I have not come to anyone in my family. This is so difficult. I too grew up in an era when being gay was just not an option. Like you I followed the expected, traditional route because I saw no other real option. So here we are years later in a straight marriage with someone who really is important to us and is loved. As you've realized, there is no easy answer...the future sometimes seems so frightening. The advice you can get here on EC I hope will help you...it has helped me a great deal. Just to be able to "talk" to someone else about all the things in my head has been a tremendous relief. It's been so hard keeping everything in for so many years. Being able to put it out here on EC was a kind of therapy in itself. Share with us...we will listen. We'll all try our best to help. Lean on us when you need too! Share your tears...I have. You really have a lot working in your favor, build on that and keep your head held high....we do care for you......David
I think doc is onto something. First, let go of the guilt over masturbation fantasies. We're each allowed our most private of domains, our heads and fantasies, without any guilt. Let your mind go free. No self-imposed bars. Just that much might be liberating somewhat considering so much else of your relational life is in the plus column. I've been in a longstanding marriage, but comfortably bisexual and out to my wife. That doesn't mean I sleep around on her. It simply means I've got range. At my age I've learned sex isn't the necessarily as large a subject as it once seemed. Desires fluctuate - especially for a bisexual equal opportunity kind of guy! Enjoy the moment as best you can and remember the greener grass on the other side of the fence is purely a matter of perspective. One difference with me though, is I've tasted the grass of both sides of the fence and can say both are enjoyable -- and live with my choice along with my fantasies guilt-free. Enjoy today's grass and continue to explore, beginning with your own inner terrain. There's lots to explore there. Enjoy - and see where that leads you.
Some interesting perspective shared by Doc, Brother, and Quebec. What follows might be a bit philosophical, but I believe life is a journey and it is up to each individual to follow the journey, with all the ups and downs, in order to live life to the fullest. There is only one shot at it. To be truly content, one needs to experience difficulties and hard times. By confronting the challenges that life brings, you may have the opportunity to enjoy the benefits having successfully navigated the challenges. Navigating a marriage while being either Bi or Gay, is certainly such a challenge. Clearly, not only are you looking to find self fulfillment, but you are looking to do so in a manner that causes as little discomfort for those that are closest to you. But recognize, those closest to you are on their own journey as well. And they too need to confront the challenges that life throws at them just the same. So, while recognizing you do not want to hurt others for fear of their ability to handle challenges, in the end, their own fulfillment may be predicated on them doing just that.
Hi My experience... The physical aspect of love making (being engaged with sexuality) reinforces the emotional aspect of love. Without both in unison the emotional aspect of love/passion weakens. I love my wife, but it is passionless. I never had that issue with my male partner. What is that... Brain neural pathway entrainment? To simplify... Yeah, running a 2 cylinder engine with one cylinder misfiring leads to increased wear (depression and related). Your mileage may vary.
Once again, thanks to all! I've lurked around EC for a little while before posting. It really seems like a great forum, full thoughtful, empathetic people ready to accept everyone regardless of where they are on this journey. I appreciate you all. I officially came out to her about 4 months ago. The complex details have sort of trickled out little by little - a series of small conversations dictated by whatever emotional capacity we had at that time. There are still quite a few things to talk through/negotiate. So far, my needs/habits/hangups/desires have been the focus of the conversation. She hasn't really vocalized her needs/desires - only her fears. I'm also sensitive to the notion that I might not understand myself well enough to give her an accurate picture of reality. The last thing I want to do is drop a hurtful thought on her, only to find out that my thoughts haven't been fully fleshed-out. In other words, its probably time to get a therapist involved. My true, deepest desire is to grow old with her. My ideal vision is to be that elderly couple who exude deep deep love for each other. I would love to get to that place if it's possible. One thing I told her is that this could either be something that drives us apart, or it could be a catalyst for developing a tremendously rich relationship. Her wounds are still fresh - I need to be sensitive to that. I see no need to rush through any of this. In the meantime its great to be able to come to EC and gain insight through the journey that others have traveled.
Therapy sounds like a good option. In theory, people can become romantically and/or sexually involved with more than one person, I guess sort of like loving more than one child. I've not put the theory to the test exactly, but I do have a complicated relationship with my best friend from high school which led to my realization that I'm bisexual.
In response to Doc's post: Before coming out to her, masturbation for the most part took off the edge in a way that allowed me to cope with not having "that which I cannot have". I got upside down a bit with my porn use: I began to prefer it over her, creating a wall and wrecking our intimacy. My approach to fixing that problem was also flawed. I approached it as a porn problem. Attempting to cut out the porn quickly revealed that the porn was a coping mechanism for a bigger underlying problem: my homosexual drive. A porn addiction, I believe, can be fixed. Homosexual drive cannot. At the moment I think the most reasonable compromise to discuss is to continue using porn and masturbation, but being completely open about it so as to prevent it from creating barriers to intimacy. I don't know her true feelings about pornography in general...I don't know if she is disgusted by it, ambivalent about it, threatened by it, interested in it, etc. We simply haven't talked about that subject enough to know. But its a conversation we need to have. I think I could get to a happy place if I could openly medicate with porn and not feel like she thinks I'm some sort of pervert. I'm not sure about incorporating porn into our bedroom routine though. But frankly, I'm at peace about who I am and what drives me. If I'm gay, so be it. Straight but curious? Fine, whatever. What I really need is to know that she accepts me the way I accept myself. I need to know that she can love me and accept (even embrace) this new side of me. I need her to realize how deep my love for her is and how I truly do not desire to trot off to greener pastures.
Hi Dan have you considered a threesome with you wife and another man or perhaps an open marriage so that you still live with her and the kids still cuddle and kiss her but both have sex with other people too?
Honestly, I think this is the best way for you to deal with your situation, at least for now, if your wife will go along with it. If you need to bone up by looking at erotic male pictures to prime your pump, but then can perform with your wife without having to have the porn in the room with you, then she will probably be satisfied with that. You really need to have an honest talk with her about this, and tell her that you need the erotic stimulation of seeing other males having sex or boners or whatever you like to look at to get you turned on, but that you only want to have the actual sex with her, because you love her, and not the guys in the movies. If she will accept this, so that you will not feel ashamed to look at porn, as you apparently are now, then maybe you have your solution. Being embarrassed about looking at pictures or porn is a "boner killer"; both of you need to accept the reality of your sexuality and be cool and light-hearted about it; even make jokes about it if that helps to relieve your tension. If you are having difficulty maintaining an erection, because the vaginal intercourse with her is not erotically stimulating enough to sustain the erection to orgasm, then go get a prescription for Viagra/Cialis/Levitra to help in that department; it will make it easier to get and hold an erection longer, so you can get the job done. Also remember, that just because you can't reach a climax every time does not mean your wife can't either; you may be able to keep her physically satisfied, and happy knowing that you care enough about her to want to make her happy in spite of your unwanted limitations.
Welcome to EC Dan! :smilewave Our stories are very similar. We both had an attraction to males from an early age, but decided to repress and not act on them before marriage. We both had a desire to have a family. Unlike you I am not out to my wife, and I have a FWB. We both enjoy gay porn (!) I've concluded that the compartmentalization of my gay side is not a good thing, and I'm trying to figure out how to remediate this. See this thread for my thoughts. As bi-married men, we must do our own calculus to figure out how to weight our straight and gay lives to make us happy and complete. There are no right answers - we must do what makes sense for us.
