Why do I need approval

Hi Cyclops,

No matter what age we are, our parent's influence will always matter to us, because they are (usually) the people we trust the most and whose motives for interacting with us are for the sake of family alone.

You need to find a way to more precisely articulate what you are afraid of, in fact, you used the word "approval". This is not normally what people experience, indeed, this may never happen...could you settle for acceptance instead?

If you could in some way control your desires/orientation, you may then have reason to feel that you are disappointing them (although even if you could chose, it is your life), but since this is out of your control, you have no reason to think you are disappointing anyone. In this instance, you have a higher responsibility: to yourself and to your own integrity. The only choice you really have is whether you value your own integrity or living to please others. I repeat, this is a value judgment, and this is entirely under your control.

All coming out is, is a difficult conversation. Your parents may grieve for a bit, but you are your own man at this stage in life, you are an adult, and you are old enough to know who you are.

 

I'm the same age basically, and I've realized that I'm not planning on telling them at all unless it becomes an issue (meaning something happens to my marriage and I get into a relationship or start looking for one with a woman). In my case, it isn't pertinent to their view of my daily life, and as I work with them, I can't take the idea that most of every day could be stressful. I don't think they'd really care, but who I'm attracted to also isn't their business since I'm married and not acting on it (nor would I tell them if I were going to open my marriage, etc).

In short, I'm a chicken, but it also isn't their business right now.

 

You don't need anyone's approval. It would be nice to get their comfortable acceptance if you tell them, but if you don't get that, it is their problem, not your own. If you decide never to tell them, then there is no problem with that either, UNLESS it is causing you to deny the relationship you need for your own life. You need to do what makes you happy with your life, just as they did with their own.

 

Hi

There is a duality to this approval/acceptance...

We are programmed from birth to get acceptance, love we must seek approval.

No approval no love, no acceptance only rejection.

Everyone here is aware of this.

No... Every institution of society should NOT be a meter to doll out acceptance, approval and love but they are. It is the currency of humanity. Comply and we will love you.

Illusions of society.

 

Well, for a different perspective, I was not looking for my parents approval or acceptance when I told them. I was interested more in their reaction and was hoping they actually were upset.

Sounds strange but when I was younger, I messed around with guys. They were aware I did and showed no reaction back then one way or another. Although they did show more of a reaction at was my progress in school and making sure I followed a certain path to success (as they would have defined it).

When I came out to them they actually said they were not surprised and reflected how they were always wondering when I would come to my own conclusion. I was actually pissed that if they did not have an issue, why did they never give me the encouragement or even some support to help me come out back then.

I was let down not because they did not accept me, but because they did with no issue. Whereas my sexuality was not an issue to them now, back then they lead me to believe my career was more important than my individuality. So they themselves let discrimination effect how they treated me for fear of what the impact would be not on my self esteem but on my career. What I needed more of was personal encouragement.

As a result of this recognition, I have actually figured out that I need to focus more on myself at this point in my life, where previously, my life was primarily focused on my career.

My point to you for expressing this is, you never know how your parents will react, but once you do tell them, you may find it helps you figure out quite a lot about yourself and your concerns.

 

I came out to my parents in my mid 20's and I felt the same. I totally felt that I was letting them down and that I was a disappointment.

 

I'm 31 and having similar feelings, so I relate. My parents don't even live close by anymore, but the more their presence is felt (when they call, visit, and so on) the more guilt I experience. I have found this lessening somewhat, lately, however. I made the decision that I won't be telling them until I am either in a relationship with a woman, or find myself more involved in the gay community (to the point where it is either a large part of my life, or difficult to hide). Making that decision has calmed me a bit and helped me realize I still have plenty of time to get more comfortable with myself before sharing this with my parents, who may not take it so well.

 

I would suggest you do the following:

1) practice it out loud when you are alone, hear the words come out of your mouth, this is strangely more difficult at first than you might expect

2) when you are with her, say it in the very first sentence, no preambles, not hemming or hawing, just: "Mom, I am bisexual". This gets it over with and there is no time for any buildup of anxiety for both of you. The rest is (relatively) easy.

DO NOT use words like "I think I am...", even if you may or may not be absolutely sure, you need to project confidence. You also need to understand that her reaction may be one of grief, or sorrow, this is understandable and you need to exercise compassion. You have had the benefit of years to do your own soul-searching, they haven't, so give your parents the time to process this.

DO NOT make the mistake of only mentioning it once because then it becomes that "thing" no one speaks about. If you are involved in any LGBT activities, let them know about it. If you go to a Pride parade, send them pictures. If you have a BF, let them know, but respect their discomfort (for a little while anyway).

 

Brother i was in the exact same boat last winter and im 48 and raising a kid on my own. but i felt i had to tell them before some idiot told them they saw me with a guy. and the whole conversation was "why didn't you tell us yourself" i was terrified but they just said it was my life to live and they cant do it for me and i cant do it for them.

this is a link to my story with mom and dad. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/171527-well-i-did-im-out.html

good luck, i hope this helps.

 

Hey there
I understand.
I was having the same doubts about coming out to my family.
Somehow i had convinced myself that i would not be understood (that maybe i would be denied) but when i actually did come out, those fears turned out to be false.

You are probably expecting the worse, but trust me, it's more likely their reaction will be somewhere between the two extremes of positive and negative.
As long as you are able to be honest. Tell them what made you realise you where bi.
That will probably make it more understandable

Good luck Xx
(And if you need any help or want to talk about it, then i'd be happy to help )

 

My father died before I was 21. About a year and a half later, my mother suspected I was gay.

I'd gone to Toronto with a friend, but there nothing between us. He was gay. If I'd have been honest with myself, I suspected as much of myself. Upon return there was a sizable cheque on the dining room sideboard. I was given a choice to take the money, "choosing" this tragic lifestyle and making a life in another city, or I could "choose" to remain in the bosom of family. She had gay friends, but this was unacceptable for her only child.

Was it some form of misguided "tough" love or plain bigotry, I don't know. In true WASP fashion it was never mentioned again, and what was a closet became a panic room. I made my choice and being honorable, I got my straight card punched whenever I could: I married a wonderful woman, had 3 children, a house in the right suburb, two Volos in the drive, 2 dogs.

When a little over a year ago, I came to a spiritual crisis and knew I could no longer be silent as to who I was.

The conversation would have been easier with my mother than with my wife, believe me. Now in late middle age, I'm rebuilding a life. Needing, wanting your parent's approval or acceptance, is a costly commodity. You're not in your early 20's with only one family member that mattered, no baggage about whether or not your deceased father would be proud of you; you need to screw up your courage and face them head on, and deal with who you are sexually.

This is not the late 70's, AIDS is not the crisis it was, the world is now more accepting, Hell, Ireland, bleeding Ireland, has held a referendum in which the majority of citizens have voted for equality. I don't think, you'll encounter the same boogiemen we faced. Not that this ever an easy conversation, and, surely, I'd be the last person to say it is, but you've more going for you than you think. It reminds me of a shirt I saw on one of the Irish voters; "It takes balls to be a fairy!" Good luck to you.

 

I came out to my parents in my mid thirties. Was getting more and more involved with the gay community and didn't want my parents to find out sceond-hand. I also wanted to be honest with them. It was scary but also liberating.(!)

 

Great! So...when will this take place?
(Did you really think we'd let you off easy? :badgrin

 

A family member, not knowing I'm gay, stated to me that there are gays amongst my extended family members. I already knew this information and wondered if she was trying to "out me."I felt sad for her because I realize I could never come out to her since she viewed gay as being a "hurtful" life towards others. I understand the fear of coming out to family members. I hope you don't have to explain your life to ignorant persons.

 

Maybe you should have replied, "wow, hey, did you know there are straights amongst your extended family members as well?". :tears:

 

I am in a similar situation. Some days I feel that my sexuality is non of their business and that goes to what happens in my marriage. On other days, I am desperately seeking ways to tell my mother. Not for her approval, but for her acceptance.

All my life, I have felt that I must meet the expectations of my mother, and then for a very long time, that of my husband's. I felt like a disappointment if I did not meet their ideas of me. I need to show them that I am my own self and that absolutely no one determines what kind of person I am. I don't know.