It happen without any planning....I didn't know I was going to to do it...it just happened and it was wonderful. I was only out to two people, both former students. One lives in England and one here in my hometown. The guy in England is gay, but the guy here is straight. He accepted me on St. Patrick's Day with no problems at all and that just blew me away. I had kept that secret for 54 years and actually telling someone face-to-face was terrifying, but a 54 year secret was lifted and I was amazed and scared at the same time. He comes by my office and visits every week or so. Friday when he came by his girl friend was with him (another former student). I don't know why but I just suddenly knew that she would not only accept me as gay, but would keep it in confidence. When I started to approach the subject he smiled and said; "It's Okay she'll be cool with it". Of course that confused her until I finally said "I am Gay". She was shocked for a moment (I've been very good at acting straight for all these years) and then said; "You're the same person, it doesn't make any difference"...cue the tears from me. I never though that I'd be able to come out to anyone and now there are three. It's such a small number, but at the same time it so enormous that I can hardly comprehend it! It gives me hope that one day I may be able to tell my family and other friends....it's not terribly likely, but it now seems that the possibility exists. In the meantime I feel so relieved that my "Big Secret" is not really a secret anymore....54 years is a long time to hide. I always have a little trouble getting to sleep at night...now I tell myself...I'm gay and it's okay!.....David
I'm really pleased for you. I am also quite angry, really, that society has forced you to keep this secret and 'act straight' and deny your identity for most of your life.
bi2me & Camel....Thanks for your response! Yes, I could be and have been angry about how what is accepted in society has affected me. But I came to the conclusion that being angry only hurt me and had no effect on society! I wish things could have been different...I look at gay vloggers and envy their freedom and lifestyle. The fact that they can be themselves and are accepted. I long for that kind of existence, but it is not to be. I have traveled this road too far to turn back now. The hurt and damage that it would do to those that I truly do love is far too great a price to pay. For their sake I must stay as I am. I do have those three people that now know me as I really am and that has meant a great deal to me. If in the future the situation changes, so be it. But I can't count on it and feel that it is very unlikely to happen. Having EC has also help tremendously! Here I can express how I really feel. Someday I hope to be able to walk down the street hand-in-hand with a boyfriend...but I know how unlikely that is, so I do my best to be content with where I am and with who I am with. It's not really so bad...I have many in my family that love me. I could be alone and I am not. I am so glad that our society is changing, even if it is slower than we would like. Sorry for writing a novel...sometimes I get a little down and it helps to get it out of my system by writing it here on EC. Thanks for again for your replies and for "listening" me......David
bi2me...Thanks a lot for listening to me, it means a lot to know that someone else cares. It's mostly my family that I would be hurting if I came out. After being married for almost 37 years I think I know pretty well how my wife would react as well as my sons. It would not be a good situation. It's not that they would reject me, I know that they would love me regardless. But I also know that the hurt that they would feel would be so deep that it's just something I can't do to them. We are deeply religious family, which is one of the reasons that it took me so long to get to the point where I am now. One of my sons is a minister. Telling them that I'm gay at this point in my life would rock their foundations. I simply can't do that to them. I've lived this long as a straight man, even though my heart says differently, it simply too late at this point to cause such an upheaval in my family. Their happiness means a great deal to me. So for now at least I have three people who've accepted me and love me as I really am and I can talk about it here on EC. I only came out on EC on December 25th last year. So really it's only been a little over five months. I came out to my former student in England in mid February and to the former student here on St. Patrick's Day, then last Friday to his girlfriend also. So this is still a very new thing for me to realize that the secret that I carried for over five decades is no longer really completely a secret. For someone who kept that secret for such a long time I feel like I've made huge progress. I may never come out to any more than this or circumstances may be such that I do tell other people I just don't know right now. But I do know that my family cannot find out. That is something that would make things worse rather than better. Right now I have a better attitude, a lighter feeling in my heart that I think I've ever had. There are so many people who are so much worse off than I am that I don't feel like I should really complain too much. I know I can't have the kind of life that today's teenagers and twenty somethings have. Even though I've dreamed of that my entire life. I am fortunate I made it through the bad days of HIV-AIDS when I lost many friends. So for now I'm kind of at a status quo. I feel better off mentally having made the decisions that I have made since December. A year ago I would've never imagined that this would've happened! I am fortunate. Some people never get as far as I've come in such a short time. Thanks so much for writing to me. I'd like it if you would write again when you have time… It helps me so much to talk to others about this…… David.
Quebec, It is admirable that you do not want to "rock their foundation". But with all the love you express everyone has, should the truth not only set you free, but isn't it the right thing for them to know? Just food for thought.
Quebec - I admire your nobility, I really do. For what it is worth, I think you have probably made the right decision. Sexual identity is important, but it is not the only thing that is important in life. Family is important too. You are being very unselfish, both in putting your family first, and also in your refusal to be angry with society. I know how you feel about those vloggers. I too look at them and think 'why wasn't like like that for a boy growing up in England in the 1980s?' Also I envy how younger gay men know nothing really of what it was to have friends dying of AIDS. But that is life. They will have other trials.
Congratulations and best wishes to you, David. It’s an exciting, freeing but also challenging journey you’ve begun. I’m about your age, and was married, and belonged to a deeply religious family, but beyond that our paths diverge. I led such a sheltered life, I didn’t realize I was gay, at all, until I was 26, when, in a small town drugstore, I happened to see a magazine on a back shelf: “Blueboy: the national magazine about men.” I can even tell you the issue: it was July/August 1976, and here is the cover: https://vintagegayblog.files.wordpress.com/2013/04/julyaug76.jpg It took me a week to work up the nerve to buy the magazine. I drove to an isolated spot and quickly flipped through the pages. It felt like I’d stuck my finger in a wall socket. The recognition that these images were for and about me—and that there were obviously others like me—came as a complete shock. I quickly ditched the magazine and expected to go on with my life, if unsure about what further meaning this revelation might have for me. It was a heck of a lot to process, and I had no tools or support. But there was one thing of which I was sure: troubling thoughts and feelings and attractions over my whole life suddenly made sense. I thought, “THIS is who I am.” Not long after that, I found myself fantasizing about that man seductively wrapped in bed sheets while I was having sex with my wife. I was completely appalled and realized that the status quo had to change. It wasn’t fair to her, and I felt a powerful need to learn more about myself as a homosexual. I came out, as best I knew how, and, predictably, my life as I knew it exploded spectacularly. All of which is to say, I’ve now had almost 40 years to come to terms with my sexuality, and to rebuild my life outside of my family religion. I do think you’re right that “telling them that I'm gay at this point in my life would rock their foundations.” Based on my own experience, that would be the case at ANY point. My only suggestion would be to live with and get to know yourself in this new light, something you’re already doing. And reflect, which takes time, on what being gay means for you and, potentially, your family. Again, something you are already doing. At this stage of your life, I don’t think there is anything wrong with living with the questions. It’s a heck of a lot to process, plus you can’t put the bullet back in the gun once you disclose; you can’t control the reactions of others, or the consequences, whatever they may be. There is one other thought on my mind. You don’t mention your religion, but in today’s Guardian there’s an article about the Vatican’s secretary of state, Cardinal Pietro Parolin, who is quoted on the recent success of the Irish referendum on marriage equality. He said, “The church must take account of this reality, but in the sense that it must strengthen its commitment to evangelisation. I think that you cannot just talk of a defeat for Christian principles, but of a defeat for humanity.” You see what he’s saying. Gay men and women, being less than, should not enjoy the approbation of the church or, indeed, of society. Gay relationships aren’t just wrong, they are a threat to civilization. The barbarians are gay and they are at the gate. (Talk about hyperbole, with a healthy dose of hypocrisy thrown in.) But the thing is, when you mention that your family is religious, and that one of your sons is a priest, I wonder… is your family’s faith so shielded from reality that it cannot contemplate otherness? Would being gay result in automatic rejection, or might it result in a healthy questioning of beliefs? One of the many reasons that gay relationships have increasingly come to be accepted is that, when people say, “I don’t know any gay people,” more and more have screwed up the courage to say, “Oh yes you do.” Gay people are sons and daughters, husbands and wives. Most are upright and responsible citizens. Many are believers. I’m not advocating that you owe it to anyone to come out. That’s for you to decide. The question I would ask is, can you ever come to fully know yourself as a gay man when the people closest to you believe that you are not? Anyhow, thanks for listening, and, again, best wishes to you on this journey.
