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Finding my true self

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by SiennaFire, May 27, 2015.

  1. SiennaFire

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    Relevant background from my new member thread: I’m at a point in my life where I feel that my life is a bifurcation of my true self and a faux self that has evolved around the life I’ve wanted to create by pretending to be straight. I've felt this way more and more lately - that somehow my true self is still dormant in a cave that I've only partially explored. I remember feeling a sense of deep longing trigged by the treasure in this cave before I started to accept and explore my gay side, the period of time when the denial began to thaw. I once again feel the tug of this place, albeit in a more integrated way.

    After accepting my sexuality and embracing the notion that I could love another man, I’ve noticed that I’ve lost work ambition. Psychologically this makes sense since my achievement orientation was a form of sublimation, channeling the (at the time) unacceptable desires into something more acceptable.

    Now I’m lost, driven neither by my faux self nor by my true self, not running at 100% power.

    My first encounter with my true voice came in 2012 while I was writing an email to a potential FWB. I made a decision to go after this guy and pursued him aggressively. I genuinely liked him. We also shared a lot about our mutual experiences, so we had built a connection. He didn’t want a FWB and do things outside of the bedroom, so I got creative and proposed an NSA arrangement where we have drinks before fun. In the course of writing an email to him, I found my true voice. I was speaking from the genuine me, free of all forms of self-censorship, societal norms, and negative self-talk. I’m not exactly sure how I accessed this voice, but it was liberating to be free of all the mental baggage I had accumulated.

    Lately, my true voice comes and goes. If I quiet my mind and listen, I can feel my true self. I just want to hug him and not let him go. I've started doing yoga again and joined EC. Perhaps if I drop the cloak or channel my dark masculine energy. I'm on a journey to find myself.
     
  2. greatwhale

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    Hey SiennaFire, welcome to EC!

    As we age, there is often a weakening of the defenses against ourselves, it is as if there is the sudden and irrevocably fatal breach that cannot be ignored any longer. You become aware (because they are suddenly seen as broken) of all the "self-censorship, societal norms and negative self-talk" that you finally see for what it is: an obstacle to becoming yourself.

    The cave you spoke about is indeed a very scary place, but you are old enough, and yet still strong enough, to confront the reality of who you are and fight for what you truly want and value.

    The dark masculine energy you speak of is the Wild Man of ancient myth, most ably described in Robert Bly's book Iron John. Finding yourself, or better, becoming yourself, means finding the Wild Man, which often requires doing some digging into the muck of your psyche and discarding a lot of the notions you have harboured with you behind those crumbling castle walls.

    Of course you feel a little lost at this stage, that is actually a good place to be. It heightens the senses and keeps you on your toes. You are a mere toddler at this point, you are still stumbling along trying to find your stride, I wouldn't worry too much about it, as long as you are moving in the right direction.
     
  3. SiennaFire

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    Hey greatwhale,

    Thanks for the insightful reply and words of encouragement. I think that you hit the nail on the head with the bold text above. While I've confronted the reality of who I am, I've stopped short of fighting for what I truly want and value.

    BTW, you look really good in the "Beaver Lake, Montreal, September 2013" picture. Have you considered making this your avatar?
     
  4. greatwhale

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    Thanks, and no, not really. The one that is up is perfect for me, it's myself but not myself (which is a theme with me), and the coming out of the closet visual is too perfect, lol!
     
  5. SiennaFire

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    Update

    > Now I’m lost, driven neither by my faux self nor by my true self, not running at 100% power

    Clearly a capitulation on my part. I've taken my hands off the wheel because of work pressure, and this is my way of saying no more!

    > If I quiet my mind and listen, I can feel my true self. Perhaps if I drop the cloak or channel my dark masculine energy.

    Did more of this today and began to reconnect with myself. Life is so much more enjoyable when one sees and appreciates the beauty in other men around you
     
  6. SiennaFire

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    Hey brother,

    The dark masculine energy I speak of is my gay energy. I've been re-connecting with this energy of my true self over the past few days, and it's nourishing me for the battle ahead. Perhaps this is the same energy as the Wild Man you reference; however, it's more liberating for me to identify this as my gay energy.
     
  7. maybgayguy

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    This is an interesting thread to me. I really like Robert Bly but haven't read Iron John. I struggle with figuring out who I am too. I have always struggled with the gay/bisexual label as society has viewed this as a trade-off with masculinity. I know there isn't a trade-off now. But of course, I am still not sure what masculinity is...although I feel in my heart that i have no question about my gender but quite a bit of questions/unease about my sexuality.

    Reconciling gender and sexual orientation is a struggle for me as it is for so many others. There are a lot of combinations out there and it is great to be a member of EC that accepts them all.
     
  8. SiennaFire

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    Society's anachronistic concept of monogamy provides additional confusion to bisexuals, since it requires bisexuals to choose between straight and gay modalities for a given monogamous relationship. Thus bisexuals who have a preference for either modality in a LTR may be inclined to identify themselves as straight or gay. A better question to ask ourselves is what if we had serial monogamous relationships of 3 years? Would we swap between straight and gay modalities? I'm clearly not straight, but I don't feel that it's imperative or valuable to pick between the {"bisexual", "gay"} labels today. And for the record, I'm also versatile, and have no desire to be exclusively top or bottom. See a pattern here? :icon_wink
     
    #8 SiennaFire, Jun 3, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2015
  9. SiennaFire

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    @greatwhale

    Before this thread gets too old, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your words of advice and encouragement on this thread. The bolded words above were pivotal in my coming out process. I've been stuck for so long and spinning my wheels, and your words of encouragement and gentle derrière kick gave me the encouragement to find the courage within myself to fight for what I truly want and value and come to accept that I'm gay and start the journey of coming out of the closet!

    Warmest regards,
    Sienna
     
    #9 SiennaFire, Jun 12, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2015
  10. SiennaFire

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    Now that the hell of the past few days that is the aftermath of coming out to my wife is beginning to settle down (I expect another round of hell any time soon), I'm beginning to feel my true self as gay man emerge. There's no more bifurcated self - the strange mix of ersatz straight persona and gay longings, no more fear of the word gay, no more secrets, there's just me. My gay friend thinks I need more confidence, and he is right, but that will come over time as I embrace the new me. I've found my true self.

    I can't wait to make the jump to light speed with my new hyperdrive :starwars:
     
    #10 SiennaFire, Jun 24, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2015
  11. skiff

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    Ummm...

    Check your dilithium matrix first....

    Scotty says she cant take much more. LOL
     
  12. brainwashed

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    This is a bit of a heavy thread to handle in my pre caffeinated state. I will be back.....with my dilithium flux field tuned.
     
  13. Chicagoblue

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    This gets at quite a bit of the core IMHO.
     
  14. SiennaFire

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    Gave Han the chance to shoot first :slight_smile:, but we are mixing our scifi metaphors here. Scotty and dilithium matrix are from Star Trek, not Star Wars. Sorry I'm a pedantic gay nerd ... I like that gay nerd.