So, I have posted these thoughts in different previous posts, but for some reason I just cannot get past these issues. I have accepted that I am gay, but I keep getting caught up on the fact that I have waited so long to actually start living my life how I want to (as opposed to being controlled by family). And this doesn't even pertain to just my sexuality, it is about my ENTIRE LIFE. I'm not a rocket scientist, but I consider myself to be a decently intelligent, educated person. How in the world did I allow this to happen? Why did I wait until I was almost 40 to finally start living authentically (or trying to live)? (And also, in the back of my head, what the hell happens if I happen to croak now? How freakin' angry will I be then?) The thought then turns slightly to the left and begins to morph into "Well now what do you do?" I have absolutely zero relationship experience (and I am talking in all areas). How does that happen? Granted I am not model material, but come on - NOTHING? How do you enter the game in the 9th inning when you have never been at bat before? When the storm clouds get particularly dark, I have a continuing ticker through my head of "What the :***: is wrong with me that I can't get any reaction from anyone at anytime?" Ugh. I try my best to stay positive. But sometimes I just wonder if I am not better off just becoming a hermit. :dry: I'm not sure what I am looking for here - success stories?, encouragement?, fellow rants on the impossibility of finding fellow gayness in cornfield, conservative, bible belt regions? Sorry but I felt the need to slightly rage. Thank you.
Your not in the ninth inning! To use another analogy, you might have played the first nine holes, but you still have nine holes to go. And in golf, how you play the back nine can dictate how you end the game regardless of how the front nine was played. Don't torment yourself for how you spent the first part of your life. You still have plenty of time. It's what you do now that matters.
I understand the feeling of wasted time all too well, but I came to the conclusion that dwelling on it at this point is just wasting MORE time. You're here now, so go with it and try not to let anger and remorse control you, it's probably better to just accept where you are in life than to focus too strongly on the things which brought you to this point. (I don't mean ignore them though! Thinking things through is part of all this, just try not to obsess )
I know exactly how you feel. Not sure how old you are, but I'm 35 and I'm finally acting to live my life and be happy. I just got to the point where I said to myself, "stop wanting everyone else to be happy, and do you." Yes, I've got this nagging thought in my head about how to date a guy, but wtf, if the guy is nice cool decent he won't get too hung up on my inexperience. I'm sure I will figure it out, and so will you! I luckily live in a pretty metropolitan city, so I've got that on my side. And I've dated my fair share of women. But I'm pretty much starting over.
I didn't come out to myself until I was 46, so I know what it's like to be a late bloomer. I regret missing out on expressing my true sexuality in my teens, 20s, and 30s. Yet I'm grateful that I was able to find the strength to start expressing my true sexuality in my 40s and beyond. While your anger is part of your grieving process and demands to be felt, when you are ready you'll want to accept that you've done the best that you could given your upbringing and make the most of the years ahead. As greatwhale shared with me yesterday It must be frustrating if you cannot find suitable partners where you currently live. How long have you been looking? It takes some time to get into the dating groove. Would you consider moving to a more progressive city? (*hug*)
well, im 48 and i've lived my whole life for others and im still responsible for one teen age boy. i married the first girl i seriously, ok really ever, dated. and i was with her for 24 years. im starting over too in a small town in eastern Canada, and yes it is scary as hell but we are not at the end of the game, heck i dont think im in the 7th inning streach, so your just finishing your first beer:icon_wink. we can learn as we go, we have to, and we will grow.(&&&)
Thank you all for the encouraging responses. I would love to move to a more liberal, progressive city, but I have a parent who is extremely dependent on me and I just don't think I could leave them.
I can relate too. I'm 51 and just last month starting coming out and dating. I've never had any relationships with a man or woman, just meaningless sex. I'm realizing since I started this process, it's never too late and will be worth it in the end.
