I have four children ages 19,16,14 and 11. Two boys and two girls. A year ago their father and I separated. I left him, there were a lot of reasons I was unhappy but I also have found myself attracted to women. (I always had been but attracted to guys too but not attracted to men anymore) So my question is this. I have dated a couple women. I am starting to get to know other gay women and going to out to T dances and such. I'm not in a serious relationship at all or anywhere near that. I just wonder if its wrong of me to not tell my children that I am gay. My 16 year old actually knows. She found out thru a text that she saw on my phone. She was upset a little bit and cried ( she said she was crying because she thought id be mad that she read my text.) I think she was very surprised and maybe a little upset. She was fine after we talked a bit and she is just worried too what her friends might think if they knew. Since then we just don't talk about it. My oldest son doesn't know. I don't know if it will upset him or not. I think I'm most worried about his reaction. He is fine with people who are gay. There is a couple in the neighborhood and he likes them but as far as his mother being gay I don't know. My two youngest I'm not too worried about either. I just dont see a reason to tell them. I feel like if I sit them down and tell them it will make it seem like a big deal. I always felt that if I meet someone and it becomes more serious then I will tell them. If I were dating men I dont think Id tell them that either unless it was more serious. I just have had a couple people say that its wrong not to and women wont want to date someone if they aren't out to their kids and that I'm not comfortable with my sexuality if I cant come out to my kids. Is it wrong? I hate keeping it from them but really havent had a reason to tell them and really dont need to hide anything since it isnt something that has come up. I hope I am making sense.
I wanted my kids to know whom their father was. I also felt it would reinforce how they were raised to be open minded and show them that they should always be true to themselves. As up you, I was concerned with how they would react, but felt they would come around to the extent it went horribly wrong. Now we go to family therapy together. While we do discuss their views on my being gay, which all seem more geared to them having a genuine understanding of me rather than concerns, most of our therapy discussions relate to their transition from kids to young adults and how I need to evolve my perspective of them as a result
I think you should tell them. While you aren't exactly hiding anything you aren't being open and honest either. That's important if you want a close relationship with them. It might be difficult initially but they'll come around. Also, it's possible you daughter has told or will tell her siblings some day. It would be far better for you to have that conversation with them.
They are probably aware of what it means to be gay. I think I would tell them before you get enmeshed in a relationship and they don't know.
Thanks for the feedback. I hope I have raised them to be open minded. They have always known I would be accepting of them no matter what. They have an uncle who is gay and one of the ladies I am friends with who comes around once in a while my kids like very much. So I cant imagine they have a problem with people who are gay. It was something I just didn't want to throw into the mix right away when their dad and I were just separated. Then of course wondering if or when I should tell. I will have to figure out how I will bring it up. Thanks!
