Last time I posted, I still had a lot of questions I was working through... but I feel more sure of who I am than ever. I'm not bi. I'm definitely into women. I'm just not ready to pick up and don the "L" label, for whatever reason... I've cut out a few unhealthy friendships & relationships since those prior posts, but I've come out to 2 solid friends & my brother & taken off masks to be my authentic self in more ways than one. It's been the greatest gift I could ever have given myself. It's been a bit of an unfurling & blooming... I just feel like ME for once... for real! Anyway, my question is... I only just came out to my second friend last week. We don't see each other year round, but we have an annual trip where we spend 5-6 weeks together. This is our 7th year, & I fly out to meet her on Tuesday. I'm not into her, but this "reveal" was kind of a real surprise to her. I have a nasty relative who among many things other "accusations," "accused" me of being a lesbian. She believes that this friend is my mistress, despite being straight and very happily married. My friend & I joked about it for years. Our friendship isn't overly... it's not a heart to heart type like I have with other friends. It's still a solid, strong friendship, just of a different nature. We hug when we first see each other at the beginning of the trip and when we depart, but other than that we don't physically touch, at all. We don't share our sleeping arrangements nor do we dress in front of each other, etc. I don't BELIEVE I've given her any reason to be uncomfortable, if she thinks back. But my biggest fear in coming out to each of my dearest female friends is changing the dynamic of the friendship. I'm not into any of them. The two unhealthy friendships I ended in the last year, when I did come out to them... they immediately jumped to thinking I was into them. They each responded differently, but... (I didn't end the friendships over this!) Bottom line, am I just feeling gun shy? Or is this a common concern in coming out to female friends? Do straight friends (male or female) typically respond this way when an LGB friend comes out to them? Why should anyone feel any differently around a gay friend vs a straight friend? I'm told that those in their teens or early 20s, have a different response... more accepting, more open, less inclined to think the LGBT friend is into them. So, I'm wondering, am I'm just overly worried? Can anyone shed any input? Experiences, etc.?
I honestly would say it depends on the relationship you have with the friend. I had just a single friend where my coming out to them changed the dynamic of our friendship, and we kind of fell apart. She never said that she thought I was into her (and believe me, I NEVER was), but I could always tell by her attitude and her hesitance towards me from thereon out. Honestly, I think that if you tell yourself that the relationship won't change, it probably won't. It's half to do with her, and half to do with you making up ideas in your head about what she thinks about the new friendship dynamic (which everyone does). Just keep acting like you always have! Nothing has changed, it is still the same friendship. You still feel the same towards her, and it sounds like she still feels the same towards you. If it truly does bother you and is interrupting the good time you could be having, just bring it up nonchalantly. I'm sure she wouldn't mind sharing her feelings in a calm manner if it does end up bothering you for whatever reason. All the best!
I came out to quite a few people when I was in high school, the reactions were mixed but I do think one or two thought I was into them when I wasn't. You can sense it when that happens. If she acts differently around you when you see her it could be because of this or it could be that she's uncomfortable with gay people. Hopefully she'll be fine but if she isn't you should ask her if it bothers her and reassure her that you're not into her. I'm in the closet now and want to be out. I do worry about this moving forward. When I'm with my friends who don't know it's in the back of my head, "how would they interpret this if they find out?" It keeps me from fully relaxing and I'm more stand offish than I want to be.
You have to be true to yourself. No matter how holy you pretend to be, people will always suspect. I know it's hard to accept. We want our family and friends to know the truth. But people are animals. And so are we. We love the people we love. We are attracted to the people we are attracted to. If people we are attracted to react like we are animals, then that is ultimately their problem. If they decide they love us and want us then it is our blessing. Otherwise we have to accept things the way they are and search elsewhere for love.
I guess I'm finding that in being my true self, not wearing masks as often... or even wearing masks with MYSELF... I find myself unfurling or changing. I find others, strangers even, interacting differently with me. Even when they don't know this particular truth about me. I like this about me, I like this interaction, I like how I seem to be making these new connections even with strangers. BUT I worry that through the lens of knowing the truth about me, it will be interpreted with a specific nuance of a changed relationship rather than a generalized understanding of ME as a person. If that makes any sense? I don't want to act differently around her or act differently in our friendship, but I also know I'm acting differently, in general... just in allowing myself to stop hiding... even when I'm out by myself around town. I think my biggest issue is trust... I need to accept what will be. The anticipation is always the worst. I'm sure it will be fine... lol At least, that's what I'm going to tell myself until my flight lands at my destination! LOL Thank you, everyone! Every word was helpful!
#1 you cannot control what people think #2 you cannot assume you know their motivations There are a many reasons a friendship can change but you are ignoring basic human behaviour. All societal institutions are "machines". They meter out love, acceptance and support based on compliance. Non compliant behaviour and you are ostracized. This ostracization also extends to an individual's friends and supporters. We have all heard "(name minority) lover" used as a slur. I had a good friend and he knew I was gay. I told him right away as he was straight and I did not want him thinking I was hitting on him. All was great until the day he understood I told other people I was gay too. He feared that people would assume he was gay by association and our closeness ended. That I believe is the base issue. So what if you hit upon a friend? In a good world they would say " no thanks" take it as a compliment and life would ressume but the machinery of society looms over all. Real friends say "f%@k society" so look for those folk.
"There are a many reasons a friendship can change but you are ignoring basic human behaviour. All societal institutions are "machines". They meter out love, acceptance and support based on compliance. Non compliant behaviour and you are ostracized. This ostracization also extends to an individual's friends and supporters." very very true. it's the "us" and the "them" thing.
I think if you sense awkwardness, ask her if she, by any chance, knows any nice girls you could meet. Girls who like girls. Obviously.
