1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Anxious

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by BienFoutu, May 30, 2015.

  1. BienFoutu

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 29, 2015
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NYC
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I am 64, married for 37 years, wife knows nothing about this. She is my whole family and I am hers. She hates dishonesty and I know that when/if I tell her she will see everything about me and our life as a lie, which is not true. She will feel betrayed and abandoned. We will each end up alone. I will lose the friends we have in common. She is much better a nurturing friendships than I. We do not and have not had sex for years; it is complicated; started on her end before I became aware of and began to explore my gay side. Went through a period of anger and resentment where I blamed her for 'driving me into being gay'.had gotten to a place where I was okay with living this divided existence. Now am worried that I may have contracted hiv. If so, the whole thing falls apart.
    Shit, shit, shit.
     
  2. skiff

    skiff Guest

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2013
    Messages:
    2,432
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Peabody, MA - USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    First... Your wife is smarter than that.

    Second... You are making wild assumptions

    Get tested first. Know your status and treat if necessay.

    Then tell her. Yeah, she will go through the phases of grief and come out whole.

    You have no other choice.... Eventually...
     
  3. OnTheHighway

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2014
    Messages:
    3,934
    Likes Received:
    632
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Yup, no way of avoiding confronting the issue on this one. Good thing HIv is treatable today, so you don't need to be overly concerned about the health implications. But it certainly will be a catalyst for a much needed discussion.
     
  4. Yossarian

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 14, 2013
    Messages:
    1,814
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Start with the quick test for HIV; you should know before you leave the testing center if you actually have it. If it is negative, follow up several months later with the lab test to confirm the results. Meanwhile, quit indulging in risky behavior, so your test results give you accurate and current results, one way or the other.

    If the results are HIV+, then you have to tell her, because you need to begin treatment for your condition, and it will become apparent that you have been engaging in extramarital sex. At that point, the "shit, shit, shit" may have to hit the fan. If it is negative, then you have some more options about deciding what to do, which include doing nothing but keeping it zipped up and out of harm's way. But you need to know, and you need to get the testing done RIGHT NOW; time is not working in your favor if you are infected, and you certainly must abstain from passing it on to others.
     
  5. BienFoutu

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 29, 2015
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NYC
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Thanks for your comments. Actually, I did get tested. Was told to retest in 3 months.
    Am feeling better physically today, so perhaps it really was just a touch of flu. Will have to see in three months.

    Maybe I am just being stubborn or something but somehow comments that I just need to tell her and she will go through the pain and grief and come out whole feel very simplistic. Deep inside I don't believe that either she or I will come through whole. All I see is loss.
     
  6. EnviroLady

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 29, 2015
    Messages:
    95
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Melbourne
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I guess it depends on if you want more, if you want to sleep with men and other women? Have you considered asking her to have a threesome with you? Perhaps she is interested in women and is thus bisexual or at the very least interested in experimenting. You have been married a long time, you being bisexual doesn't mean you don't love her it just means that you would be able to ask her for threesomes with other people both men and women if you tell her you are bisexual. And if you don't tell her there is just more dishonesty as you feel a need to cheat to get sexual satisfaction. Telling her at least you are being honest and can ask her for more from the relationship. If you aren't happy and you must be somewhat unhappy living the lie then don't you owe it to yourself to stop living the lie. The worst that happens is she dumps you and you find someone better able to meet your needs. The best that happens is she accepts you and you work through what you sexuality means for the relationship and what changes to make so you both have your needs being met.
     
  7. bi2me

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2014
    Messages:
    1,301
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Ohio
    Is your bisexuality something new(ish) to you or something you've known about for a long time? How does your wife generally feel about LGBT folks?