bi feeling more comfortable with straight side

I can relate to you completely except the fact that i'm unmarried and single currently .. I had a lot of hard time accepting the fact that I'm Bisexual. But eventually I had to accept it because of my inability to resist my urges for both the genders. I even tried focusing on just being straight & been in a long term relationship, trying hard to prove myself that I'm straight but in vain! (not that i didn't like being in the relation, just that as if I was not getting my kick)

Confusingly, some days I feel like I'm completely straight (no feeling for female at all, not a bit) and other day I feel like I'm completely lesbian! Strange but I can't explain the feeling any better! I hope this kind of feeling is more common in bisexuals than I think. Otherwise, I'm screwed !! :/

 

Sienna, I hear you and can relate some. More and more, I tend toward acceptance of myself in all areas, including my messy, confusing sexuality that eludes pegging. Not that I haven't tried - it's just that it's a moving target. It ebbs and flows; moves to the east, then the west -- constantly moving like the wind or water. Sometimes I've wished I could land solidly in one camp or another, but then in many areas of life I've been somewhat an outsider. I've been in a long term marriage, have grown children. My wife has known my blurriness since before we were married. I never hid anything. At a young age I was an artist and defied definition. Because I had a relatively high sex drive, but also remnants of catholicism and homophobia, and seriously wanted family in a time when the options were limited, I got married to a young, inexperienced woman who found comfort in me - as I was a 'safe' male, where most men kind of frightened her. We were safe haven for each other - us against the world. For myself, it wasn't so much a denying a part of myself as a choosing of one partner - conveniently a woman. It didn't turn off my attraction to males - it just meant I exercised self-control -- well, mostly - there was that one time five years into the marriage - a one night stand of lust I gave into, admitted to my wife - along with acknowledging my 'gayness' hadn't gone away, but that I also didn't want to muddy our waters with outside partners of any type. I wanted to try my best with monogamous commitment - which I did for many more years. In my 40's I let her know I was still bisexual in feelings, but not action. This was the early AIDS years and I was involved with helping folks with AIDS. I felt it important to acknowledge I was no different from them - just lucky. My commitment to a monogamous marriage had saved my life probably. For me, nothing has changed inside of me in my 60 yrs of living, but having that many years under my belt gives a person chance to have many different challenges; it gives perspective of seasons changing -- both my own and my wife's - i.e in older years - everything changes. After many years we've had some of our most challenging having to do with health and facing each other in the empty nest. We were a great family unit together. Raising kids together, we were a great team. It worked - and there's nothing I regret there. But now it's a new phase. Physical intimacy became problematic, symptomatic of our other intimacy issues. For the first time in our lives - something that was always an easy, enjoyable part of our lives became problematic. Out of that rose my questioning again -- and my floating in the wind sexuality began to be questioned again by me. Perhaps I was done with the hetero marriage chapter? Sometimes I think without sexual intimacy to bind us together that older men and older women have less and less in common. Even among hetero-identified folks I find older women seem to prefer the company of other women - and the same for guys. Without sex, children, family chores and life - I find older men and women having widely divergent worlds. Myself, in a struggling marriage and preferring the company of men, I find myself asking if I've drifted to the other end of the spectrum in my later years - and why I find myself here at EC, listening and learning. It's like that for me with attractions. One day, men put a gleam in my eye -- and later the same day it can be a woman. Yeah, life would be simpler if it remained steady, but that's not how I find my life to be. I cast a wide net in many areas of my life - not just sexually - and although at times that can be frustrating - and others might not believe I'm being true to myself - I know who I am - and who I am is me. Messy, undefinable, loving me. I don't see myself changing personalities much at this stage of the game - which means I fluctuate on the sexual spectrum - same as my introversion/extroversion ebbs and flows on different days. All a part of me - and I kind of actually like it that way. Keeps me in the present moment - an outsider to all the conditionings that want to keep us in neatly labelled boxes. I want freedom, not more boxes. But mostly, I want peace and contentment - which I believe is born out of my acceptance of my messy, poorly defined, out of the box love and attraction to others - male or female. I find a person's mind to be their sexiest attribute - along with vulnerability. Nothing sexier than open vulnerability. Isn't that what intercourse is about on the deepest level - vulnerability? It's kind of nice at this age -- I can just enjoy the attraction without an overwhelming lust to complicate things. All to say, I think the more we accept ourselves in all our configurations, the more room there is for all our facets to come out. Acceptance doesn't mean I have to "do" anything, in fact, my own acceptance has deepened through a period of celibacy where I let go of the "doing" to explore more deeply my innermost feelings. It's more about "being" who I am, without shame or guilt or apology. I am what I am -- and tomorrow it just might be something different. To me, that's all a part of being a living, breathing, evolving, ever-changing human being. Usually more than we think possible. We all contain multitudes - but for someone who self-identifies as bisexual, we just might contain a few more than usual - and they just might refuse to be neat and tidy. Life's messy. Good luck with yours. Enjoy.

 

I have felt straight more often than not in my life. I am bi but have only ever been with men (I'm newly out to the world). And because I have only ever kissed and gotten to second base with a few women in my life I don't really feel like I have any experience with my same sex counterparts. So I guess it's easy to view myself as straight a lot of the time. Don't get me wrong! I KNOW I'm bisexual. I love women and have from a young age.. it's just that I feel more comfortable with my straight side most of the time. I assume because all I've done for 30 years is act straight to everyone. I'm hoping as I join more lgbt things and meet more people like me I will embrace my gay side more.

Hope this helps! All the best to you, Sienna!

 

So perhaps looking for another bisexual person who feels the same would be a good idea, then you can both relate.

 

Sienna, I've kind of been going through that over the last year. I realized my intense attraction to my high school best friend (and lover) hadn't gone away (more on my blog) and I've been working on what it means to be bi in a straight monogamous marriage. My husband is aware, although I don't think he totally gets the intensity of the feelings (we talked a bit more last night) and the more intense he sees them, the more uncomfortable it makes him.

We are on the same page about "prioritizing" each other since we are married, although what that will look like in 20 years I guess is a little up in the air from my perspective.

 

and thank you, SiennaFire, for starting this conversation - and the opportunity for me to reflect and bounce some of this around in my own head. Nothing drastic is looking any differently with me externally, but inside, a lot is going on - including a largely growing acceptance of my unique life and the outsider I've always been - and finally growing into a grateful confidence in who and what I am in these later chapters of life - a man - hopefully with more contentment and less rubbish to carry around. Coming here, talking, listening - it all helps to throw more rubbish on the communal bonfire - things like hiding and shame, feeling less than, or somehow inferior -- safe in our vulnerability, in our revealing ourselves to others, but most importantly, to ourselves.

Btw, your tagline quote of J Campbell? A favorite of mine.