Heterosexually Married Gay Men - How to be Supportive?

Hello everyone,

I'm not sure if I should be posting here but I come seeking advice by people who may be in a situation that I have very little insight into, other than from the outside looking in, who may be able to help guide me through a possibly delicate situation.

I'm an openly gay chap in his 30's, who has always been attracted to older gents. Over the years this has led me into repeated relationships with closeted married men. I have always tried to operate on the basis of "just for fun", the problem being is that I'm naturally very affectionate, warm and loving and thus the HMGM has responded in kind, leading to emotional and romantic attachments. This has always become complicated over time and ended in heart ache for me and I can only imagine a great deal of distress, confusion and pain for them.

I haven't dated a married man now for over a decade and thus hopefully am somewhat more mature when approaching this, however over the past 6 months I have met someone, who despite having same sex experiences in college, denied that part of himself into his 60's and into his subsequent retirement. Since retirement he has accepted his attraction to men and is quite open with me that he loves his wife (of 35 years who he has adult children with), has no intention to change his circumstances, inform her of his orientation (he still defines as bisexual but he is now exclusively attracted to men) but equally I'm the first man he's has slept with over night, the first man he's went on a date with and the first man he's ever felt an emotional/romantic attachment too.

I too feel very strongly for him and the last thing I want for him, is to cause him pain or confusion but equally the idea of being someone on the outside of his life and unable to build anything tangible with him, fills me with distress and confusion.

Ultimately I'm here asking for guidance on how to be supportive of my partner, from people who have been on the other side of this and experienced it first hand. If you have had same sex partners, while married, what did you or would you have appreciated from them and what would have helped you long term?

Would it be better in your opinions for me to leave and allow him to work out himself and his identity and what he wants and do I just muddy the water, or would the first man he feels anything for, rejecting him, set him back on his personal path? Or is this infact the destination he wants? A wife he loves and a boyfriend he loves, kept apart and ignorant of one another to a large extent?


I'm honestly very confused by all this, but mostly I'm very aware that this man has repressed his sexuality for 60 years and only over the last 4 has allowed himself to explore his same sex attraction and only with me has he allowed himself to grow emotionally and romantically entwined. (pro-actively asking to go on dates, rather than just have sex) and im aware that my actions could have far reaching effects on him here and I want to be supportive.

I will say a few things he's said indicate a deeper level of confusion than he lets be known such as when we were first physical asking "Is this what I've been missing all my life?" and equally expressing confusion as to why younger gay men are still marrying women despite society changing. Which somewhat speaks of regret, but I haven't pried as don't wish to hurt him. Equally though he still happily talks about his wife to me and refers to a lot of things as "we do this" etc... which conversely shows a mind set quite at ease with his situation.

Equally I should say I'm not prepared to be "the other woman" long term. So their is that to consider too. Normally I would approach this with honesty and bluntness, but to do so could very much feel like an ultimatum or an attempt to force him into making choices he isn't ready to make or is unwilling at this juncture to do so and cause harm in him finally allowing himself to care for another man.

So any help would be most appreciated as this is confusing me greatly and I want to be honest, supportive and true to myself and him in this.


(in closing I will say that I am well aware of the possible emotional damage that lying and cheating can cause to everyone, but I'm trying desperately not to moralise or judge)

 

@ greatwhale - You're probably correct about most of it. I'm very old fashioned and find situations like this incredibly confusing for me. I define myself as a good person internally and yet my actions are not those of a good person, as I'm helping someone cheat; furthermore I make the situation more complicated due to my natural tendency towards romance, relationships and building deeper emotional connections; which complicates things terribly. Saying that most married men ive met in my life time, have always been more receptive to romance and warmth than sex; despite it complicating issues massively. As it seems that most of these individuals crave love and affection much more than simple physical gratification, as I think these men tend to feel lonely and isolated.

The one thing you might be incorrect about is that I haven't come here seeking confirmation that this situation is bad for me and great for him, if anything I dread that being confirmed. As it renders me trivial and something to be used and put aside when he's tired. Much more I was seeking a humanising answer for these men, to believe that they aren't just trying to have it all, but rather they are chap's who are victims of the social climate of their youth and now they experience the same confusions and emotional pulls as myself, stuck in an unenviable situation with no idea how to extricate themselves in a way that doesn't devastate someone they love, while facing fear of rejection from contacts formed over a lifetime.

So mostly it was asking if men who have come to the realisation of their sexuality late, after being married for several decades, are actually decent people who can love the man they are with and not just think that this is a way to have it all (wife and boyfriend) and if people are decent in that situation; what can I do to make that situation easier on them, while they work out who they are and what they truly want?

You are however completely right in that I'm not comfortable with being on the sidelines and my natural tendency towards old fashioned monogamy and relationships is quite at odds with my current circumstances and maybe the way I'm dealing with it is approaching my circumstances as helping someone in need rather than facing it as someone cheating on their wife and me helping them do it.


@ headshaver - I don't play head games ever. It's not part of my personality. I have fallen for this chap desperately. I think about him constantly and am saddened when he goes home and elated when he comes to see me. Every text is a cause for excitement and if a text sounds disinterested or distant, I worry that he's hurting or losing interest. In short, I'm very much in the first bloom of falling in love with someone. When everything is intense and means the world. I haven't said I love him, but he's perceptive and I think hes aware how I feel. He hasn't said I love you either, but equally he has said things that all point towards it. When we're together I'm incredibly happy but his first consideration is his wife and that's made clear all the time. I'm not really sure how to handle that.


EDIT @ Sienna, sorry I wasn't ignoring your post, it came in while I was typing my response. In response to your message; I wasn't aware about bisexuals feeling the need for both, as I assumed it meant they could go with either, rather than need both concurrently; but it makes a degree of sense. From his own view point he told me he's bisexual in as much as he's married to a woman, but his sexual interests are now solely orientated towards men. (he only seeks male sexual partners, in passing in the street its only men he enjoys looking at) He still however self defines as bi and that's fine. I wont push on that point as ultimately how he sees himself is more important that how I see him. I have tried to suggest that sexuality can be fluid and transitory but if he identifies as bi, then so be it. I think given what you've said; I do know the answer to that circumstance: I would be uncomfortable offering him the completion he craved at the expense of me ever building a life with another adult. I'm very much orientated to coming home to someone and waking up with them in the morning. Ironing their shirts for them and finding the dinner made when I get home from a busy day. The whole white picket fence ideal, is very much my hopes for the future. Even with how much I care about this gent, I don't think living in the shadows would do anything but slowly eat away at my self esteem and self confidence and leave me hurt and bewildered.


@ general response: in general I suppose I'm curious as to if these events ever work out for the best? If you had a boyfriend who loved you and supported you, would it have made things easier in the long run to make a choice to live honestly, or would it have just made it easier to live a double life? I don't want to facilitate living a dishonest lifestyle, but nor do I wish to hurt someone who is tentatively allowing himself to fall in love with a man for the first time; as that damage that could do worries me; I also am terrified of losing him, while being equally terrified of waiting for years for a man who only ever wants me as a part time partner.

Confused but the three of you make very good points, that I will think about.

 

Thank you Whale, I'll watch the video.

I think a lot of what you said has merit. My partner is an incredibly successful gent. Head of his field, affluent and well known within public fields, academia and the media; and his wife is very much part of the "same set" of people; a well respected academic.

I have no doubt that the life they have together is one that he loves; as it is filled with a high degree of luxury, prestige and respect from peers. Many people would find it enviable.

I am sure the effect honesty would have upon not only his finances and lifestyle, but also the impact upon his public facing persona would be huge and is definitely part of his consideration.


This is all somewhat out of my frame of reference though; as I come from a very different socio-economic background and although an academic myself, I'm in no way running about in the same high powered circles he mixes in.

 

To be honest, that part of his lifestyle doesn't interest me. That's not to say he doesn't interest me or what he does for enjoyment doesn't interest me, (we both have very similar interests in the arts, sports, outdoor activities and the like) but the trappings of affluence and influence aren't something that appeals to me or stimulates me. They are much more incidental to who he is and considering that I'm fiercely independent they don't really have any baring on me, no matter his marital status. (My partner's tend to be academic high achievers, as I'm attracted to confident, older, academic types)

The fact he's driven, confident, charismatic and massively intelligent are major attractions for me, his success doesn't really interest me; mostly I see it as an extra bar to him accepting change in his life; as without his public position, he may well consider himself more free to change, with less to lose.

I think a lot of our mutual attraction is based on the fact that we are both driven and come from strong academic backgrounds and thus have alot of that in common.


Also just to make it clear, I'm aware that many people can see younger guys with older fellas and assume it to be some kind of monetary allure or the mystery of a different more luxurious lifestyle, however I'm a postgrad myself, starting out on a very well respected career path, so I don't desire nor need a sugar daddy, as in time my income will match his, and I pro-actively avoid high society out of personal choice and discomfort, not out of necessity.


I'm not meaning to sound defensive above and nor am I trying to make it appear that I think that's what you suggested Whale, as it isn't; but just going forward I thought I would make it clear for anyone who read the thread, that that isn't what's happening here.

 

@ Greatwhale, thanks I agree with you and as I said I got mostly what you meant, but felt I should clarify just incase others read into my words, things that weren't meant.

@ Sienna: in response to your very valid questions-

* In relation to saying I love you: I haven't told him as I'm letting him set the pace. I'm trying to respect boundaries and not push him faster than he might be comfortable with, thus instead if he says he loves me, I will happily say it back. I'm not particularly great at hiding my affections, so I'm sure he is well aware that I'm falling for him and equally I can see him getting comfortable with the idea of being in love with another man. I know this all sounds very woolly, but ultimately him saying "I love you" potentially complicates his life, vastly more than it does mine and thus I'm happy to let him take point on that choice.

*I should clarify about priorities, as I could have phrased that poorly: it's more that he mentions his wife quite a lot, which I'm unused to in circumstances of this nature. Normally the gent is reticent to mention his spouse as it's uncomfortable to mention ones wife to ones boyfriend. Sentences like "we went on holiday...", "we shop here...", "my wife has a sister who lives there..." and general anecdotes about the pair of them are somewhat common place. They are spoke with a great deal of affection and warmth and I'm not really sure how to interpret it. I'm not sure if sharing these stories is him reaffirming his priorities to me, or if its a man sharing stories about his past which includes someone he loves who's happened to take up a lot of his life. Personally I feel it might be some combination of the two, but I agree: definite red flag.

* As for not being used. Thank you. I really am strong enough to walk away if that's genuinely what's best, (and I genuinely see and agree with alot of Whales points) but on the flip side I am coming at this as a man who has never had to make these choices and I don't feel equipped to judge anyone on it. Additionally my partner is experiencing massive changes to his personal values and what hes comfortable with; hes allowing himself to be seen publicly with a man at social events, not something he ever envisioned, he's wants to go on dates, he wants to sleep over and he sends messages that are vastly more romantic than sexual in nature. This is indicative of someone redefining internally what it is to like men and expanding that beyond the sexual and for me to go "sorry, I'm off as I think your initial statement about not wanting to change your life, despite your life changing naturally since you met me, will stand forever and I'll be left waiting for you stuck in limbo, thus im off" might actually be massively damaging to his perception of what it is to have gay tendencies and to allow yourself to care for another man. At the very least it feels like an emotional slap in the face to someone who is only just learning to drop his self imposed barriers with another man.

I also know many men who emerged from straight relationships after decades of marriage, as they happened to find the right guy, who supported them through defining themselves anew and it gave the married man the impetus to be be upfront and honest, knowing that they weren't chancing loneliness aswell and that they had mutual love and affection with another person, who would stand by them through it and many of these men were adamant at first that they had no intention to change their lives. (I'm aware that's not noble, as one shouldn't hedge ones bets in that manner but I still think its quite human to act when you have cause and to postpone when you don't, as is the desire to not do something so hard without the emotional support of a loved one)

* As for mutual interest... I suppose that's the great unknown. I can only say I think he is falling for me too, as his actions are not what I have come to expect from a married man wanting to scratch a physical itch. He proactively goes out of his way to be romantic and to offer dates despite me offering more physical based meets so as to simplify his life and it is him that seems to be the driving force behind changing the boundaries of our relationship.



In closing I will say I am not defending my relationship, as I dislike people who ask for help and then argue when they don't get the answer they want but thus far all 3 responders have listed some very valid and yet very different points and each are reflecting very different view points. I think every last one of you have very valid opinions and it is all giving me much to consider.

To a degree Whale reflects my inner most fears and the pragmatist in me, where as sienna to a degree reflects my hopes that actually things could work out amicably either way (if he stays or goes) mostly depending on if we have mutual understanding and honesty and if that's enough to get us through. Whereas head reflects the very honest advice of not to play head games or to put oneself in competition.

All of these points are very valid and give me much food for thought and I really am grateful to each of you for taking the time to offer your insight, advice and help.

 

Sienna and Whale; you're right.

Fixating on if he comes out, doesn't help him define himself in his own time. Being a supportive partner is about being there for him in what he needs in the moment and how he comes to accept himself, rather than hoping he defines himself in a way that I want him too, which could further our relationship.

So being there for him while he works out who he is can be an act of unconditional love by accepting his journey and supporting him through it, rather than being hopeful that he makes the choices I secretly want him to make.

Time gating that period though is very wise, with a clear point where I accept "well at this point I walk away." As it removes from it a sense of wasting ones time and being hurt by ones hopes for the future never being met. As ultimately the time spent, will time be spent helping someone I love discover what its like to love a man, which has its own inherent worth, regardless of whichever resultant self identification and life choices he may make.


Thank you guys. You're completely right. In my distress I was losing sight of what it means to help and support someone come to terms with who they are and open parts of themselves to another person. That it is not about him making choices I feel are right for us, but supporting him in making informed choices that he feels are right for him, the life he wants and the people he loves. That are fair and considered for all those involved.