Greetings, I am not in the habit of reporting on my encounters with the people who call in to the gay hotline here in Montreal, but I received a call last night while on duty that left me in tears at the end of a 45-minute long conversation. I thought it would be worth sharing with you some of the lessons that could be learned from it. The caller is a gay man in his late 40's whose partner suddenly passed away four months ago. He described his life since then as unbearably empty, haunted by thoughts of his partner as he wanders to the places in the city that held memories of their relationship. I have learned that every call has a reason; there is a "why the call now" that needs to be discussed. Of course he is in mourning, but one normally expects that after a time (and it varies for many) one would expect life slowly returning to normal. I got the sense that his grief was of a different, more permanent, kind. He needed help, that night he saw no way out. I inquired as to how the funeral took place. It turns out his partner was an only child. His partner's mother never accepted her son's homosexuality, consequently, she rejected the caller, stating in no uncertain terms that he meant nothing to the family and that it would be preferable if he did not attend the funeral; this despite 20 years of a relationship that was known by everyone, including the mother. I felt a surge of rage, but kept calm. The caller went to the funeral anyway, but he was so intimidated by the mother that when his own mother and aunts offered to come to the funeral with him, he asked them to pretend they were friends of the deceased, not related to him. They refused to lie and they introduced themselves to the mother. He stated it was awkward as hell, and almost unbearable. I gave him the number of a meeting place for mourners, a place of support and compassion; completely non-judgmental as to sexual orientation or any other different thing that people can be. He took the number but hesitated, stating he didn't feel comfortable being a gay person in a non-LGBT setting. After several gentle nudges to get him to call, I asked him simply if he still felt shame for being gay. That's when the floodgates opened. He said he felt a lot of shame, despite all the years that passed, in essence, he lived an openly gay life as if he was still in the closet. So many lessons...the first being the importance of recognizing shame for the debilitating and personality warping thing that it is. I learned that one can be openly gay and still be so afraid...I learned also that if there is to be a partnership, there has to be legal safeguards in place for times when tragedies like this happen. They weren't married, it was a common-law relationship, which confers some rights, but not others. His grieving was taken away from him, he was told by the mother not to cry or present any other displays of grief because it would embarrass her in front of her friends and family...so the final lesson is that grieving a loved one is essential for getting on with one's life, otherwise, letting go becomes almost impossible. I told him all of this, about the importance of standing up to homophobes, and setting boundaries as to what is acceptable. I explained that none of this could happen until he let go of the shame of being who he is. By then he was in tears, but I got him to promise to call that place. He would feel safe there talking about his partner, which is the only way to overcome the grief, the only way to finally say to all the world "he was truly mine", to talk about and reflect on who he was and what he meant to him. He promised he would, and by then I was also having a hard time seeing... I ended the call, spoke about it to the other guy on duty, wrote the report and ended my time slot for the night. I hope he called today...
That is so sad. I have heard too many similar stories. It is getting better for us, but painful situations like this still exist.
What a sad story and beautiful response from greatwhale. In terms of takeaways and lessons learned, shame stopped me from acting on my same-sex attraction in my youth. I feel there's still residual shame inside me. While I accept my internal experience of being gay, I am less prepared to share that with others (I am very introverted). While I feel no shame while I'm in the arms of another guy, I anticipate feeling shame if/when I assert to other people that I'm gay/bisexual. I can describe this shame as some cultural remnant that gay == bad, a lesson I learned when I was growing up in a much different era. How do I incinerate this unproductive feeling?
Thank you. I think the only way to get rid of shame is first to understand that, as Brené Brown put it "shame is the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging." It thrives on "secrecy, silence and judgment". The next step, once this feeling is recognized is to take counter-measures: enter pride, the feeling of being worthy of love and belonging. Openness counters the forces of secrecy, silence and judgment, shame withers when these elements are no longer present. What is the source of this pride? Vulnerability, as Dr. Brown would put it, "entering into the arena" of life and being seen doing so, taking on the struggle of being open about who we are in all areas of our lives; this paradox of vulnerability as an exercise in taking ownership of who we are is so important in the struggle to defeat shame.
What a heartbreaking story. Such a good thing that he called and was able to share his experiences. His experience reminds me of the film A Single Man, a beautiful story, beautifully photographed.
Grief... It took me a year to get back to normalcy. Soon it wwill be two years. I'm jealous of his family, they are able to talk about him without getting depressed. I don't know how to deal with grief, and by what I saw and heard nobody does... They just build an imaginary bouncy castle and run tio hide there when it hits them again. Good thing you were there for him. After the shock, the emotional support is really needed. He is also at a very high risk, both mentally and physically. He shouldn't be left alone, not even if he asks for it. I remember people kept pesterng me for a while, to the point of embarrasing me, but God bless them, 'cause that love, no matter how small it was (a gesture, a flower...) that saved my life.
From what I've learned, grieving is about letting go, but the way to go about it is a curious paradox: one has to first let go of the idea of letting go. To "have" is a possessive term, whose use in the context of love is misleading, if one can accept that the loved one was never possessed, only appreciated, then "letting go" can be so much less painful. Another paradox: it is only when the loved one is gone, when that life has been lived and done, that one can claim him as one's own. What you said about not being left alone is crucial. In Judaism, the whole idea of "sitting shiva" (a period of 7 days after the burial during which the mourners are not left alone) is exactly that. Food is brought in, the door is unlocked and people (friends, family, community members) are invited to just walk in and stay, usually mornings and evenings. All visitors are encouraged to talk about the deceased, but only the mourner is to initiate the conversation.
Hearing stories like this makes me tear up a bit and hate dyed-in-the-wool homophobes that much more. That mother is extremely selfish. Without people like her in the world, it would be so much easier for LGBT people to have pride.
Thank you for your service to this man and for sharing your concern for him with us. I wonder, in your outreach on the telephone, do you mention EC? I believe you are blessed to be able to comfort others.
I have suggested EC a couple of times, once at a PFLAG meeting, and once at a LGBT center. No one at either had heard of it, except maybe one person at PFLAG, who thought her son had heard of EC or something like that. I was really disappointed that the LGBT center person I talked to hadn't heard of it, but then I'm not totally surprised, given my perception of the center. As I said before, the experience overall was so bad that had I gone there first (before finding EC), I might have ended up staying in closeted denial for good. One has to be careful, of course, mentioning EC in the real world. If you give EC contact information in real life, security rules in real life say you will be banned from real life for 30 days. :roflmao:
As the caller spoke French, EC would not have been all that useful to him, unfortunately. ---------- Post added 3rd Jun 2015 at 12:16 PM ---------- :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:
Great whale, thanks for sharing that story. There is so much misery out there that is so unnecessary. I think the deceased's mother needs prayers also. She sounds like a very sad person that is caught up in "image".
