For any of you who were once hell-bent on denial, what was that mind space like? and is there anything anyone could have done to ease things but also gently challenge you?
I grew up in an environment where I learned shame about straight sex (my mother would share with me inappropriate remarks of how much of a chore sex with my dad was). Even though I thought certain guys were cute in junior and high school, never thought on acting on it because I was a shy nerd and no positive gay role models. In college I began to realize something was up, but wimped out because of fear and shame. Fear of AIDS dampened desires as well. Eventually I met my future wife and my same-sex desires went to the back burner as regular straight sex was enjoyable. Mid-life rolls around and I feel this deep sense of longing when I see cute guys. Start watching gay porn to test the waters and the denial began to thaw. Stopped denying 5 years ago by asking myself if I would regret not acting on my gay feelings on my death bed. Took baby steps and here I am.
In short, anything and everything I ever thought or did that could be considered gay was explained away, no matter how ridiculous the explanation. If I naturally found one girl even mildly attractive, it made up for the 50 other dudes that I drooled over in class. The environment I grew up in did not bring up homosexuality often, but when it did come up it clearly was a thing I never wanted to be, so when I didn't fit the stereotypical mold of what it meant to be gay, in my mind I obviously was not gay. I never had any mannerisms, interests, or hobbies that the gays I ever saw on TV or in person had, so I obviously couldn't be gay. I figured other guys were like me and liked guys as well, but you know "because I envy them and want to be them". Porn was just a means to an end. Fantasizing about guys doesn't make me gay. Experimenting with a guy isn't common, but it happens and obviously doesn't make you gay, even though that's all that seems to interest me. I figured it was a phase and once I started dating a really awesome girl everything would make sense and it would fade. Anytime anyone would challenge me on this point I lied my ass off and made sure it was convincing. I kept emotional distance from friends, I had clever excuses for not dating (shy, inexperienced, focused on school, not my type, etc), I skirted around questions of which celebrity I found attractive, I learned the things straight guys like about their girls and parroted that. I would have never admitted I was gay to anyone, and I made sure I had plausible deniability anytime I approached the subject. It wasn't until I got serious with a woman and started to truly care and see a future with her did I realize that this is something that will not go away and I will have to face this. It was one day in the mirror when I had an epiphany and all of the things I thought, my desires, my actions, my excuses, all at once it suddenly became ridiculous to think that I could be straight. "No straight guy would have this many excuses" was my exact thought. For me, there was no practical way anyone could challenge me on my sexuality UNLESS they approached me in a way that allowed me to explore it without the risk of being outted. In college I did admit my attractions to a guy or two, but always after they brought it up and admitted it themselves, and always with someone I didn't know very well or see very often. Talking to friends or gay people was way too risky and intimidating. I kept these people completely separate from any of my social circles to keep the flow of information contained.
I denied my sexuality all throughout my childhood, teen and early 20's. Growing up a Jehovah's Witness I was taught that anything gay related was wrong. That it was a sickness and to act on your desires was a sin and you would not be in good standing with god and never get to live in paradise. Needless to say I struggled with my feelings. I am no longer a JW and accepted who I was and came to terms with my sexuality at 24 yo. I realized on my own that I wasn't a monster and that the way I feel is not a sin and I'm not sick. I'm agnostic now. And if there is a god I would like to think he made me this way and therefore I am NOT a sinner in his/her eyes. I'm proud to say that I came out to the world this year and couldn't be happier! Looking back, I really would have benefited from a gay adult in my life who was not scared to stand in their own truth. If someone had been around to challenge my (then) religious ideas and be a roll model by setting a positive example... Oh how things would have been different!! Also, and obviously, when I was growing up there was no YouTube or Google etc. I would have been a MUCH happier kid belonging to the online lgbt community. Ultimately, I have YouTube to thank for coming out to everyone. Watching peoples coming out vids and listening to their coming out stories gave me ideas and the courage to come out to everyone. So, I'd say that those two things would have influenced me the most. I would not have been so afraid and ashamed with myself then. I hope this helps!
