June 2015 is about transforming my life

EC is a wonderful and supportive community, and I have enjoyed being part of this community for the short time that I’ve been a member. I’m at a point where I would ask the EC community to help me work through my own personal issues.

During the past 5 years I’ve come to terms with my own sexuality, that I’m bisexual with a strong attraction to other guys. If it were not for my unconditional love for my 12 year old adopted son, I would have divorced my wife several years ago. My wife and I have agreed to stay together for the benefit of my son, who has already lost a family. I’m at a point where I want to reevaluate this arrangement because (a) my wife and I aren’t compatible and (b) my sexuality. My wife has a temper and is verbally abusive to my son and me. There have been several times when I’ve received tearful phone calls from my son after my wife yelled at him. Needless to say, these incidents break my heart. When my wife yells at me, it quickly escalates into a verbal shouting match when I respond in kind, so I try to dial it back to keep the peace in the house. There are other issues as well. While I’m fiscally responsible, my wife is downright miserly. Saving a large percentage of our income is not enough, she feels that we should be able to live on 1 income and save the rest. In addition, she spends time with her friends on weekends and expects me to mind the household. I’ve chosen to accept this and stay together for the benefit of my son; however, I feel that it’s time to reevaluate this arrangement.

To further complicate matters, I was recently laid off from a high caliber job. This gives me time to recharge, to figure out what I want from my life going forward, and to look for another position that offers some degree of work-life balance. More importantly, I have a chance to be a house husband and to connect deeply with my son and point him towards success (he’s been struggling in some of his classes while doing well in others and needs encouragement and reinforcement of good habits while buffering him from the detrimental aspects of my wife's negativity).

This is where I am, and I’m hoping you can help me work through this. Clearly I need to develop a battle plan to confront my wife on the salient points ...

 

Thanks Camel

You are right - change is inevitable and quite necessary. Now seems like a good time to embrace change and reboot my life.

 

Yah, this may be overly ambitious for June. I have a file "2011 is about transforming my life" that I've been using to capture my thoughts during my journey. I wasn't sure what to name the thread, so I started with that and voila instant thread name. Yes, this is a big meaty challenge, but I kinda need that to get off my ass.

My priorities are finding a way to express my gay side openly and making sure that I have an ongoing role in my son's life. I have a recommendation for a divorce attorney, and she happens to be LGBT as well. Next step is to chat with her to get a sense of the legal issues involved here.

 

Thanks and I'll definitely keep everyone posted.

 

Update:

Made an appointment to see the divorce attorney next week. This left me with a potpourri of mild emotions, uncertainty, fear, doubt - what am I doing & how will this impact my family - and mild panic (the meeting with the attorney will be the first time that I tell someone in the real world that I'm not straight). I had a great phone screen later in the day, and I am very excited about the position. It seems like a great match. I also attended a networking event in the evening. On the drive to the networking event I began to feel better. For the first time in a long time I felt that I was on the right path, albeit a slightly scary one. I felt the cave start to dissolve. I have more healing to do, but I was nonetheless a little misty eyed as I began to feel a more integrated self where my true self is beginning to find expression.

 

Thanks OnTheHighway for the words of encouragement.

Yup, I'm definitely on my way! I expect the journey to present many tests, dips, curves and zig zags. I've spent too much of my life thinking "I'll be happy when...", and I don't want to fall into that trap here. My life is in the here and now, and the journey to the other side of the woods is part of it!

 

equally important i am finding peace, self-acceptance, and liberation from the inner script that i should be a good boy who meets the expectations of others and society at the expense of myself. the script that has heretofore convinced me that i should live my life conforming to straight societal norms for a variety of reasons that are no longer pertinent. as this voice wanes, only my true self remains.

 

Guilty :bang:

I was wound up pretty tight in my youth and such a good boy, and as such, I didn't have a real adolescence until middle age (!)

I was taught from an early age to be considerate of others, to the point where I owned their feelings. I learned that I should be so careful what I say or do, or I might hurt other's feelings. Took me many years to peel the layers of that onion and get past the need for other people's approval in daily life, only to discover still deeper patterns that I was putting the needs of others ahead of my own. Took me many years to get here, but I'm ready to unravel the issues around my sexuality.

 

Welcome to EC Littlesun. EC is a great place, and I'm glad that I found it after googling for a support group. Before the supportive guidance of my brothers and sisters here, I had no clear idea how to move ahead.

The habit of putting others first is really hard to break, especially if it's so ingrained like with me. Best of luck and stick with it.

I haven't decided to divorce, although it is a likely outcome. I'm just wanting to understand the legal issues involved. I'm trying to balance the needs of myself (wanting to be open about my sexuality) and my son (he responds to and needs my parental guidance around school). I'm being congruent here, recognizing the needs of both myself and my son.

 

Update

1. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/180566-came-out-therapist.html on Saturday
2. Spoke with the LGBT divorce attorney today. This was a wonderful experience. Her office had copies of the local LGBT newspaper in the waiting room. She was wonderful! She explained the lay of the land and gave me homework as preparation for coming out to my wife. I had hoped to come out to my wife sooner, but I agree that more preparation is better.