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Am I a yestergay?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by CabbageHead, Jun 3, 2015.

  1. CabbageHead

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    I originally posted this in another forum, until I realized that this one was more appropriate. If the moderator wants to delete a post, please delete the first one:


    I have an unusual life story, and I'm probably quite a bit older than most people on this site. I'm a bisexual man (about a Kinsey 2) in his forties, happily married to a woman of the same age.

    I think I've always been bisexual, but I've gone under a few different labels. I've also spent much of my life being really freaked out by the fluidity of my attractions. (When I've been in a more light-hearted mood, I've joked with myself, "today is more of a heterosexual day," or "today is more of a homosexual day." My days are primarily heterosexual right now). For many years, I've also thought that no woman could love a man like me. As a young man, while very attracted to women, I was also wary of relationships, because I figured that if they discovered my "secret," they would vomit all over me. My one youthful relationship with a woman -- very hot physically, but emotionally dysfunctional -- convinced me of this since she did not react well to my "confession."

    When I was in my mid-twenties, I entered into a romantic relationship with another man. Oddly enough, it was emotionally profound, but not all that sexual. He was gay, and demanded that I come out. (He eventually broke it off because I was still closeted, and also because he wasn't sexually satisfied). I did come out to quite a number of people, and began moving in the gay world. I did this even though I was quite aware of my attractions to women.

    Why did I come out as gay, rather than bi?
    -- I had been in an actual relationship with another man. My impression was that bi men had casual sex with other men, but not relationships.
    -- I had not had much success with women.
    -- I figured no woman on the planet would be interested in a man who had been in a relationship with another man.
    --I had an extremely negative impression of bi men, fostered by a lot of leading figures in the gay community. Basically, I thought of bi men having anonymous sex and giving AIDS to their wives.
    -- I perceived the fluidity of my attractions as being a curse, and I wanted a more "normal" orientation. I would have preferred straight, but gay was a million times better than bi, as far as I understood.
    -- My ex (who remained a close friend for many years) was bi-friendly, as far as gay men go, but he still encouraged me to identify as gay. I was satisfied just being with him, so how could I be bisexual?

    So I spent several years living my life as a gay man. Not totally out, but not really closeted either. But I noticed a gradual loss of interest on my part, going from dating vigorously to just having casual sex every now and then.

    In my mid-to-late thirties, I noticed that I was increasingly attracted to women. Before long, I was experiencing something like a second puberty. I was having spontaneous erections, I was imagining fictitious girlfriends, I was all-but-hallucinating women by my side. It was the strongest sexual desire I've felt in my life. Eventually, I realized that I had to start dating women. (I could write a whole essay on my transition into the heterosexual world). Before long, I was doing pretty well! I soon discovered that I greatly prefer having sex with women to having sex with men. I mostly buried my "gay" past -- when I came out as bi to my ex-lover, there ended my longest friendship.

    Now I'm married to a wonderful woman and I'm very happy. Our relationship began mostly with us fucking a lot, and our sex life is still pretty good. I'm still attracted to men occasionally, but less than I am attracted to women. Actual sex with actual men just isn't that important to me right now. My main goal is for our marriage to remain happy and satisfying for both my wife and me. She knows the basics of my sexual history (and that I identify as bi), but we don't talk about it much. I did tell her recently (just after we made love) that she had proven me wrong: a woman could love a man like me.

    So what do I want out of life right now?

    1. I'm kind of pissed at myself for having identified as gay all those years. (I'm pissed at other people, too). Not because I feel bad about having slept with men, but because I missed out on chances to be with women. Then again, most women won't date openly bisexual men. So it would have required me to remain totally closeted. I want to let these feelings go.

    2. A man making a pass at me a few years ago, asked if I was "family." I really didn't have a good answer. I do identify as part of the LGBT community, but a pretty peripheral one. Maybe a second or third cousin. I still feel very weird about my identity. I'm not an "ex-gay," but maybe I'm a "yestergay." I identify as bi, but clearly on the hetero end of the spectrum. My wife doesn't want to be too public, because she hates men hitting on me.

    3. I've found myself engaging in some odd on-line behavior, basically posting as a gay-identified man with an obsessive desire for sex with women. Basically, where I was several years ago. I want to stop this.

    4. I avoid contact with several old friends who knew me as gay, because I don't know how to explain myself to them. I want to be open with them about my life.

    Does anyone have any thoughts about this? I've thought about therapy, but I can't justify the expense
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    My personal view is that sexuality is rather fluid. And your certainly experiencing that fluidity. If your happy where you are in life, then nothing to worry about. Go with the flow!
     
  3. CabbageHead

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    Yes, I am embracing that fluidity after hating it for many years.

    ---------- Post added 4th Jun 2015 at 12:51 PM ----------

    If you found out that an old "gay" friend was now happily involved with a woman, how would you react?
     
  4. OnTheHighway

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    Personally, I would ask questions no doubt. But if my friend had conviction answering them, would be happy for him.
     
  5. piano71

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    In my opinion, it would be wrong for your gay friends to reject you even if your sexuality has moved to the mostly-hetero end of the Kinsey scale (say 1-2).

    While I can't speak for your friends and what they value, the biggest issue for me would be the feeling that any "gay" man who has "turned straight" will lose empathy for gay men and become homophobic / hold straight privilege over me. This is because of those "ex-gays" (thankfully becoming fewer in number) running around saying it's possible to switch from gay to straight, and throwing their moral superiority and excessive breeding in everyone's face (one notorious example had NINE children to prove just how no-longer-gay he was).

    I would look for reassurance that the fluidity of your sexuality does NOT indicate a prejudice against gays, and that you still value your friends and will continue to support equality and dignity for the gay community. Be sure to emphasize that this new-found attraction to women has nothing to do with the conservative Christian "ex-gay" movement, and that you still have some feelings for guys.

    I'm currently seeing a guy whose sexuality is much more fluid than mine. He defines himself as "gay" but had a sexually intimate relationship with a woman (and a child from that intimacy) years ago. I don't understand this personally, as I am almost exclusively attracted to men and don't think I could "perform" in bed with a woman. If that actually happened, it would be a one-in-a-million thing.

    But as I thought about all this, I realized the issue had to do more with my fears and insecurities than the fact that others are more sexually fluid than me.
     
    #5 piano71, Jun 4, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2015
  6. CabbageHead

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    Thanks, guys! Yeah, I was really afraid of being perceived as an ex-gay. My wife is a huge fag hag, and I sometimes tease her that I'm the perfect husband for that sort of woman.
     
  7. skiff

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    Heteroflexible?
     
  8. CabbageHead

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    Oddly enough, one of these old friends is a straight woman who was very supportive when I first came out as gay.
     
  9. biggayguy

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    That's why I identify as homoflexible. My orientation is also fluid. I can relate.
     
  10. CabbageHead

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    Biggayguy, I'm curious about your being a "homoflexible" guy. How does your attraction to women play out in your life? Just passing attractions to women? Or the occasional crush? Do you find yourself looking at straight porn? I know some "homoflexible" guys have occasional sex with women, but only have relationships with women. I don't know how they pull that off.