I came out to my brother. And yes, it was a rush. Scary, but a rush, and he was supportive, which was awesome. And yes, I feel better in many ways, better, more whole, more in-control of my own life. And that is a great, even wonderful thing. But at the same time, I'm pissed off. I'm angry about the lost years, the lost/missed opportunities. I'm angry that I have to deal with something that no one else around me seems to have to deal with. I'm angry at hiding myself for so long, not just sexually, but in any way that expressed "me." I'm angry at 20 years of self-destructive behaviors, trying to undo my sexuality. I'm angry at all the hurt that I've felt, and that other people saw fit to inflict it upon me. I wish I knew what to do with my anger. I'm not really ready yet to just let it go and let bygones be bygones, but maybe someday I will be. It's just not today.
I can understand where your anger is coming from but instead of that emotion controlling you, why not try and redirect into something? For me, writing is something I don't do that often but whenever I feel stressed or any other extreme emotion, writing things down helps me calm down. I don't know what it is that you do to de-stress, but I suggest doing it; running, going out for a walk, venting - hell, you're in this site, use it as a place to vent if you don't have anyone you're comfortable talking to in person. I can relate with this because I've kept my sexuality hidden from everyone and even myself for so long that I've drawn up different scenarios in my head of people reacting negatively and how I would cope with being ostracized that when I finally did start coming out and the people I came out to reacted positively, I felt more confused and hollow than relieved in the beginning. But trust me in that you just need to keep in mind that the first person (and most importantly, a family member!) accepted you for who you are and you can start to slowly be more open and honest about who you are as a person now that you're finally sharing your secret.
Welcome to EC! I can understand being so angry at having to hide, listening to people's comments, etc. the good news is, that you've chosen to take control of your life and your situation. You don't have to hide around your brother anymore! Life isn't fair... I'm bemoaning a bit of that myself, but we have choices in how we act and react to situations we are put in. Try to find some way to let go of or deal with the anger (exercise, meditate, write, draw, etc) so you can keep moving forward with your goals. Good luck!
I'm in the early phases of the coming out process. While I'm generally constructive and optimistic, I also feel the occasional fits of anger for lost years and the lost/missed opportunities when my body was younger. Anger is power, so when this happens I try to redirect my anger into positive action as mark suggests. Please realize that if you let your anger fester, the anger will lead to sadness and suffering. All emotional pain comes from resistance to what is. The reality is that I failed to act on my same sex attractions until much later in life. While I can present a valid list of reasons for not doing so, ultimately I must take responsibility for my decisions. I have no one else to blame except myself. At the same time, I cannot beat myself up about it too much, so I also pat myself on my back for finding the courage to act so late in life. Perhaps you are in a similar place?
Before you can deal with your anger, you need to decide what peace-of-mind is worth to you. In other words, you need to value tranquility and the possibility of joy, before you attempt to let go of that anger. Next, there is a certain degree of fatalism that has to be called upon to realize that the past is gone, it cannot be changed, you are not granted the power to change it or to go back. All you have, all you will ever have, is now. I suspect that part of what you value is youth, and yes, this is nice, and yes, you are no longer young, but consider what you have in this moment that you could still possibly lose. This would include your health, your friends, family, possessions, etc. It is not morbid to try to see what it would feel like to lose these things; quite the contrary, it sharpens your appreciation for what you still have and at the same time quenches the insatiable desire for more and more (youthfulness included). The road to happiness is to want what you already have, this is the path to joy.
i hear you but you can't change the past or what/how others act. you can only controll you and your life going forward. hope this helps, Cheers.
I just had to bring a couple of quotes from the great stoic philosopher-king, Marcus Aurelius, emperor of Rome:
I'm not sure how this will sound, but I guess that's okay: I don't think I want to undo my anger. I don't want to just sigh and let it go. I know it's only been a couple of days since my earlier post, but really, I want to get to a point were I understand that I will have really wonderful days, really stressful days, and, yes, really angry days. And that's okay. It doesn't make my anger any more or less real. I think that, yes, I have a legitimate thing to be mad about, so it's okay to be mad about it. But by the same token, I have some things, many things, to be happy about at the same time. Even some things to be curious and even hopeful about. Like the fact that I met a cute guy at work today. A very cute, fashionable guy, who did start to set off my still-developing "gaydar." I mean, I'm not exactly ready to come out at work, but still, it's something to be at least a little happy about. :icon_wink I'll just take these different feelings as they happen.
Retained anger is like taking off in an airplane, and watching the runway behind you instead of the runway in front of you; nothing good is going to come from it, and you may miss the opportunities that lie directly ahead. Leave your anger behind, like that used runway behind you; it is the people you are yet to meet that you don't want to miss, focussing on a past you cannot change, and wasting energy you could use to deal with the future. (*hug*)
I think you need to process your anger in order to get past it. Talk about what upsets you, come to EC and vent if you need to. Read about the experience's of others and realize you aren't alone. Try not to dwell on it though. Think about the good things in the present. Like that cute guy you met at work! Maybe you aren't ready to let go of your anger but you may find it letting go of you as you accept yourself more and more. I've found that to be true for me. My anger has been slowly fading over the past two years.
Whenever I feel angry I go for a walk because most of the time I start to have anxiety attacks and hyperventilate. For me, I have urges to hurt myself or break things, so I recommend trying to punch pillows or getting a stress doll. Even working out will work to break off some of the steam. Hope this helped! ^.^
Find a good counselor to help release your pent up anger and other negative emotions in a controlled manner and you will be free. I know that should hippy-ish, but can feel like a weight is lifted off your heart when you can forgive yourself for being afraid and small. Hiding is easy, any coward can do it. I've done it for 46 years. It takes a brave heart to find the strength to see their way out of the closet and live free. We get one go around on this pale blue dot. Release your anger and enjoy your life. /endhippyrant ;-)
Amen! I came out in one fell swoop pretty much. I decided one day to just go for it with my best friend. She's been an amazing support. Then I just kept going. I think what gets me is that I didn't get any of the bad reactions that I thought I would. So all that adrenaline got pulled up waiting to go into attack/defense mode and I didn't need it. I'm in therapy too, trying to cope with the anxiety I feel now. I've got good days and bad days. The bad days are getting fewer, but I know it will take time.
