in long term relationship, is it ok to look at other people.

Oh god I would be sick if I went to that place for dinner :lol: you're not wrong or the only one in this day and age who desires a partner to look at them and only them but unfortunately alot of people differ. Life is pretty boring without different personalities though.

I would much rather go to a hooters place full of cute chicks wearing tight outfits would you prefer that or does it bother you either way? I'm assuming it bothers you either way.. All I know is that if I had a bisexual girlfriend and she asked me to take her to a place like that where men wear skimpy outfits I would flat out refuse :lol: I would probably be into going to a place full of cute women wearing skimpy outfits. Even then I don't like it when people degrade themselves. Too each their own though.. If they're comfortable I'm comfortable.

Oh god I sound like an insecure macho heterosexual male above :lol: sorry guys.

 

Hi,

I think you are looking at this wrong.

Your partner is being open open, honest and herself. You seem to want her to conform to your wishes and meet your expectations.

Accept her reality as truth and respect it.

What if you were a vegan and she wanted a steakhouse for her birthday, could you take her there and order a salad for yourself?

 

I can't say that this relates exactly, but I'm attracted to my best female friend (and married to by best male friend). It's kind of confusing, but I'm working through it as best I can while being married and not cheating. My husband knows, and I would feel like I were cheating if I didn't tell him.

 

You have been together for 17 years, and she is bi. No doubt she probably has an itch to see the other side. She has stated the relationship may not last, although you want it forever. Well, it might be painful, but maybe you should let her go and explore, even more so than just the female version of hooters.

We all know th Epley, if you love something very much, set it free, if it comes back, love it forever. I know this is probably really had after 17 years, but you actually owe it to yourself to get the certainty you need. Whether it's certainty that your together forever, or certainty that it's time to move on.

 

I think it is unreasonable to expect any partner in any relationship (straight or gay) to only be attracted to you and that's it for life. We're human; we're going to have desires and fantasies and just because we're in an LTR doesn't mean we can never look at another person ever again. That is horribly unrealistic.

Straight guys deal with this annoyance as well, pretending to not notice the hot chick in the corner because their wives/girlfriends will feel threatened if God forbid they like another set of tits. Let your partner see some ripped dudes once in a while. She's already open about what she likes; you don't have to understand it, just respect it.

 

In a long-term relationship, the trick is to regularly rekindle desire for your partner, the best way to do this is to see your partner in an unfamiliar context (just as you would see an attractive stranger). The trick is to periodically widen the distance between yourselves so that you see your partner in a new light, perhaps at work, or with different people, and you, kept somewhat at a distance.

By doing this you are reminded that you do not know with complete certainty who your partner is. It is salutary to be reminded that the one who chose to share his or her life with you still has a certain mystery. It is that mystery that brings back desire.

 

I think It's unrealistic to expect people to only be attracted to one person forever. I don't mind a partner of mine watching porn, but sleeping with other people is where I draw the line.

 

That pretty much says it all.

It isn't just the looking that's an issue here, it's the whole relationship dynamic. Holding you to a higher standard than herself? Ouch, that's got to be addressed, because it is the root of your situation.

 

Okay, your partner sounds really fucked up and selfish the more I read. She's holding double standards but yet she wants to have her cake and eat it too. I would never want to continue being involved with someone like this.

 

You already know this, but it is worth saying:

A friend wouldn't treat you like she has. A real one, that is. Respect and being open to communication are too vital for a relationship, and she's taking them both for granted.

To be fair, none of us here know the full extent of what is going on. Only what you share, and from that we can form our own opinions. But if this is really bothering you, your partner should at least hear you out. You should both come to some sort of understanding -- if not, you have to decide if putting up with this is worth it. I would say no, because it is going to tear away at your self-confidence and happiness, making it harder for you to function, because lacking both of these makes it less desirable to be out and about.

Your desire to stay, despite all of this, is because you are comfortable with it, in a bizarre sort of way. It's what you've known, come to learn, and know how to handle. You can kind of predict and know how things are going to turn out which, in a way, gives you a sense of control. You may also believe in the whole, stand by your partner's side, through thick and thin and, someday, the heavens will open their eyes to your worth, and it will be happily ever after.

You need to do one of three things, and I know this is going to sound harsh, but here's the truth:

You can talk to your partner and try to convey your feelings. Your partner should at least be willing to hear you out and if this is hurting you, take this into consideration. Looking at people, even going to a place to have a good time, are one thing, but the one night stands double standard, no, that isn't right. If you get nothing out of this, it may be time to consider doing something for you.

You can just suck it up and go with the flow. But you're going to get worse, if the situation doesn't improve.

You confront your partner with logic. Why is it okay for them to do this, but not you? There won't be a good answer, and you'll have made your point. If they get mad or throw a fit, you may have to ask yourself, are you with an adult or a child?

Somebody is going to be unhappy here. It's only a matter of who, and for how long.

 

While I admire your resolve to see this through, I wanted to point out something. You obviously aren't happy, so there isn't a way for you both to be happy. Just her, if you decide to stick it out.

You remind me of a few young ladies I used to give a hard time, years ago:

You're a very simple lover, in that all you ask is respect, some affection, and commitment, all woven together with communication and understanding. But you're savagely desperate for that, so the moment you even get a little bit of that, you cling to it and won't let go, no matter what, because you're motivated by this:

I'd rather have a little love today than no love tomorrow. At least right now, I know I have somebody who will be with me; who is to say anybody else will?

It's do or die.

You're going to do what you're going to do, regardless of what we say. I've seen this before. You're not going to get better as things are, because you've been together for so long; you're conditioned and your partner believes it's wrong for you to, suddenly, speak out about how things have been. It's an abuse tactic, and one I'm a master of sadly... so I know it when I see it, and it is just oozing from the tidbits you're telling us.

You aren't going to win this battle. The best you can hope for is, startle your partner with your assertiveness, and they'll tone it down for a little while... but go back to it, 'testing' you. If you back down, then you've lost your right to complain, as it must not have ever really mattered... but if you don't back down, then you're "no longer the person I love". All the blame on you, never them, a classic asshole tactic.

You can't win, at least not without a divine miracle or therapy. But... as usual for these cases, this is something you'll have to experience for yourself, and decide on. Eventually, your desire to be appreciated is going to come into conflict with your ability to tolerate, and something will give.

Don't think I'm being mean to you, or smacking you around. I'm just telling you how it is, because that's more valuable than some pompous encouragement. You're a lover, and your partner is your project, so to speak, and letting that go, or even thinking of doing such, is like a heartbreak before another heartbreak; breaking up with your idea of the relationship, and possibly breaking up with your partner.

Take it from somebody who is a former recovering manipulator. I've shown you the board, now it's up to you on what move to make...

<3

 

To be honest, these two points in particular have me fairly concerned for you.

To clarify, is the current situation - where the relationship is open on her end, but not on yours - something that was decided on by both of you, freely, before she started having sex with other people? Or was it a decision reached after she started doing this, or to preserve the relationship and keep it from ending?

If you're starting to feel like you can relate to people in abusive situations, then something is very wrong here, and what you are preserving is not a friendship. There may be downsides to being single, but at least I've never heard somebody say it makes them feel abused.

I'm glad you're talking about this situation, though. Have you mentioned it to anyone else, outside of EC?