New here

Hi,

I'm 31 and this week was the first time in my life I've felt even remotely comfortable talking to anyone about my gender identity. I've struggled with who I am over the years mostly because I didn't know what being genderfluid was or that it even existed. I also had an almost impossible time finding words that described it. I'm still not even sure it's the right term for me. All I know is that I'm not cis gender.

I was born genetically male but very rarely identify my gender as male at least to my self. Most days I would consider myself neutral I suppose? Being in a male body I would be perfectly fine being in genetically female but I know that if I was born or transitioned to female I would be fine most days being genetically male.

This middle ground, almost an apathy to which gender I physically am at the time, causes more heartache then when I identify as a woman because I don't understand how to express myself to others because at these times I'm not male, female, both, or neither, but instead I feel like I'm indecisive about my active gender identity.

There are some days though that my gender identity is clearly female and there are those days that my gender identity is clearly male. Even though, until today, my best friend and sister for the last 10 years didn't know I was gender fluid but she was able to see the changes from the days when I was male/neutral and the days I was female in a way I don't even think I really realized.

I'm also asexual, at 31 I've never had the desire for sex or even masturbation and, except for the awkward conversations when cis males or even gay males talk about their sexual conquests it's hard to explain that, not only do I not care I don't really understand either because I have no desire to try, this is the easier then my gender identity to explain. I think the most difficult part of this is explaining that I can have a romantic and sensual attraction to women without being sexually attracted to them. I still like the connection I get when holding the woman's hand or cuddling the person I am romantic/sensually attracted to but I have no desire for sexual contact. My brother berates me about this the most.

I almost always present as male because of my body type and it almost feels like a waste of time to put the work in that would let me present as female because of the uncertainty I have of when I will go back to this neutral gender identity or male identity. When my gender identity is neutral I also don't feel like I put any effort to present myself male I just don't really have a choice because of my genetic makeup.

I think I mainly came here to find a place to vocalize these feelings in a more anonymous place and maybe find someone who understands where I am coming from because right now I'm not even sure I fully understand.Being an introvert makes talking to people who know who I am, especially in person nearly impossible, it's part of the reason I sought a site like this. Though I did break down crying when trying to sign up for these forums partly because how emotionally draining this week has been and partially because how nervous putting something like this in writing makes me feel.

 

Thank you, both of you. I really hope it made since. Before this week I've always bottled this inside but talking to two of my best friends gave me the courage to try and put my story into words. Not even sure it's my full story up to this point but it's as much as I could type before I became emotionally drained.

 

Thanks greatwhale. I do to, when I finally decided to setup an account here the moniker just kind of clicked into place.

I hope so. I normally don't go on forums because of my intense shyness but I'm hopping that will change a little here.

 

Yeah, that's why I chose these forums over a couple others that I found.

I do want to start posting but I'm not sure where to begin. I have all these questions and feelings swirling around in my head that are hard to type out so finding a question or topic to start with is difficult.

I've told two of my three best friends and plan to tell my thid best friend this weekend. But they are easy, two are mtf transgender and one is a lesbian who took a lot of human sexuality/gender classes in college when she thought she was going anthropology. I don't really feel comfortable talking to anyone else that knows me, esspecially my family at this time but it's still making me anxious.