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Apprehensive about going to a gay bar

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by 50ishandout, Jun 5, 2015.

  1. 50ishandout

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    Since coming out back in March things have been going fantastic. Everyone I've told has been so wonderful and supportive.

    Now it's time to start finding a place to meet people. I'm a big sports guy, I run a hockey league. There's nothing better to me than watching a game with the guys. There's a gay sports bar in Boston. I've driven by it. I just can't get my self to actually go through the door. like any bar I'm sure there are the regulars and those I just going for a drink and watch a game.

    Why can't i just walk through that door?
     
  2. SiennaFire

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    Hey 50ishandout,

    I'm also from the Boston area. Before I responded to my first CL ad, I was terrified. What if the person was a psycho or had green teeth? Eventually I decided to take baby steps - first respond to an ad see to what happened. If they didn't reply with "pics?" or other one liner, I would then have a conversation with the guy to see if he was real and my kind of guy. Once I decided to act, I promised myself I would follow through and reminded myself why I was doing this. Besides, I was only going to get coffee or a drink, so I could always walk away if there was no fit. Sometimes I had to leave my body temporarily and breath deeply while en route. Nevertheless, I found the courage and strength to do what was necessary to find my sexuality.

    Might I suggest that you do the same for yourself? Realize that going to this bar is important to your journey and promise yourself that you'll just walk right in and grab a beer. There are no strings attached to grabbing a beer, right? If it's really terrible, you can just leave after chugging your beer. You'll learn about the place and maybe even meet new friends. Baby steps. Carpe diem!
     
    #2 SiennaFire, Jun 5, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2015
  3. OnTheHighway

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    I fondly recall my nervousness the first time I went into a gay bar. There was plenty to choose from near my flat. I focused on one that seemed to be a relaxed place based on reviews. Took me a few weeks to decide to go in. I went in. Straight to the bar. Ordered a scotch. Chatted to the bar tender for a bit. Finished my drank and left.

    I had a similar anxiousness the first time going to a gay sex shop as well......

    I look back now and laugh at it; the anxiousness for both quickly went a way once I realised no one was going to do any harm to me.
     
  4. CyclingFan

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    That sounds a lot like me except I was even more nervous so it took a few trips before I was comfortable. Having people to go with does help a lot too if you know anyone.

    I find it even funnier in that I'd been to that same bar before, years before! Not even just in the same location, it was the same name, was still a gay bar as it had been a dozen years ago. I had a friend who tended bar there for a while and we'd visit for cheap drinks.

    But it was still nerve wracking the first few times I went there again!
     
  5. QueerTransEnby

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    I highly recommend going with a group of other gay/bi/queer guys first to get the lay of the land. Look around a little but don't stare. If someone comes up to you, start talking. See what happens. I don't recommend going alone until you know some of the waitstaff or know the layout.
     
  6. Yossarian

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    "Fear is the mind killer" -- Frank Herbert, "Dune"

    Why are you scared to walk through the door? Because you are scared you will find your mother, or your priest, or your high school gym teacher, or that closeted gay kid who called you a queer 20 years ago in high school lying in ambush, just waiting for you to come in so you can be pointed to and laughed at or scolded for being a closeted homosexual while pretending to be straight.

    Of course, all that is just nonsense. No one is going to even look at you unless you are blonde, blue eyed, 6'2 and walk in with your shirt off and your washboard abs clinched into ravioli chunks. It's just another bar. Most of the people there are drinking and slightly buzzed, because they WANT to hang out with guys like you, not straight guys who are so homophobic they won't even shake hands with another guy unless he is wearing gloves and a football jersey.

    You have come HOME where you belong. Walk through the door like you own the place, then go drink your beer while you watch the hockey game on TV, like everyone else is doing, without noticing you.
     
  7. 50ishandout

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    Yossarian, how did you know what I look like. Though this was an anonymous board. Ok, so you got the blue eyes correct.

    I guess it's like being in the closet it's the first time is the most nerve racking. It's more in my head than anything else.
     
  8. bingostring

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    It would be ten times less scary ... if you went with a friend.
     
  9. 50ishandout

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    Don't really have any gay bi friends to go with.
     
  10. AKTodd

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    Up to this point it sounds like you've been very much in control of your coming out process, deciding when you are going to come out and to whom. But if/when you go to that bar, you are somewhat giving up that level of control.

    Not only are you going into an environment where everyone will simply assume you are gay (in effect outing yourself to a whole building full of strangers)...but anyone who knows what the place is and sees you entering/exiting will also be making that assumption. So, in effect, it may feel like you are outing yourself to the 'the world' or at least some number of complete strangers - whose reactions you can't predict.

    Taken together, this could feel rather nerve wracking, if not downright scary.

    This is not to say you shouldn't go to the bar - you should! But it may involve a certain amount of taking a deep breath and just powering through to get in the door. Once you're there, I suspect your tension level will drop a lot and eventually going could feel as normal as going to any other bar. It's just that first step that's a bit of a doozy.

    If there are any LGBT sports teams/leagues in your area, you might also consider getting involved with them. If it's a sports bar, perhaps they might like to go there after games or something, in which case you would have a group to go with.

    Hope this helps,

    Todd
     
  11. MarthRoyIke

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    I agree with most of the advice here; take baby steps, "acting the part" at least initially, and getting over the fear. I didn't have any friends to go with me to my first gay bar, but I got over the nerves, pretended like I belonged, and headed in for a drink. Felt like a fish out of water but it was a positive experience, and it got easier over time.
     
  12. BeingEarnest

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    I agree with Yossarian.
    My first time, I was extremely nervous. The one I went to had lots of TVs and they were all playing Disney musicals. It was actually fun, and I had nice conversations with people.
     
  13. Yossarian

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    The whole universe is only in your head. Your perception of the world is "reality" to you, not the actual facts that are scientifically provable and able to be experimentally replicated by others.

    All you need to do is decide that everything will be ok if you walk into a gay bar, and that will make it so when you do. Tell us how it turned out tomorrow when you do it tonight.
     
  14. BluhImCourtney

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    So you don't want to go to some place where there are almost-naked Abraham Lincoln impersonators in tight whities, with top hats on, singing, "I wanna take ya to a gay bah," over and over again?

    Cause to me that sounds awesome. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    ... I am so sorry. I really CAN'T hear the words "gay bar" without thinking of that song... why did my friend have to show me that... =_=






    And sorry this post wasn't helpful, just thought I'd lighten the mood a bit. :grin:
     
  15. 50ishandout

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    Yossarian your my dam conscience. I went to the bar. Met a couple of guys. Shared some laughter.

    Thanks for all the encouragement everyone.

    The universe is still intact.
     
  16. Yossarian

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    I figured it would be, it's been around a long time. Glad you found the wherewithal to try it and that it turned out OK, as I figured it would. Now you are "one of the guys", and can go back anytime you want to without apprehension.
     
  17. jwes

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    I've been reluctant to go into a gay bar for the same reasons that you guys have mentioned, but my biggest concern is that I am now too old. Are there many older guys (50+) in gay bars or will I be out of place?
     
  18. Yossarian

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    There are only two gay bars in my town. One caters to younger people, mostly students, the other to an older mostly residents crowd. Check your local scene out; it varies. Don't be afraid to go and see what is going on; most everybody there will be gay, and potential friends, not your homophobic enemies, who wouldn't want to be seen going to a gay bar in Tennessee.
     
  19. skiff

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    Aren't all those folks outside blocking the door with their imaginary power? LOL

    The quicker you learn all the power of social institutions is given and not intrinsic the better.

    Being a parent your biggest fear is that your jids learn too early your authority is bestowed by them and not intrinsic. LOL
     
  20. jwes

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    Yossarian, yes in the closet in Tennessee can be a bit on the challenging side.