Came close

Hi, maybe you just need to take a risk with relationships. take a leap of faith. If you don't like the experience - you've at least been brave and tried to share something nice with another human being. That must be good.

 

Couple things...

No risk, no reward. Your fear of the unknown is stopping you from reaching out to those guys you like. You have to take that risk and open up to them about this, even a little bit. Whatever you're worried about, it'll be okay.

Porn isn't a direct indicator of your sexual orientation, but it can contribute to the overall picture. Getting more aroused with gay porn and gay thoughts is more consistent with being gay. But don't read too much into labels right now; just follow your attractions and have them grow organically.

If you're just pent up and curious about sex with men, find a nice guy to hookup with and experiment. I did this and found out pretty quickly that I do indeed enjoy sex with men, even though I had not yet come to terms with being gay. If NSA sex doesn't interest you, do what @doc said and take that leap of faith and build a friendship/relationship.

 

Sounds like you need to deal with your past experience and get closure. Whatever it is that happened, its causing you to hold back from being your true self.

Have you spoken to a professional about it? A professional may not be able to help the jewish self loathing (sounds like you grew up in my family), but they certainly can help you find closure.

 

Yeah, this changes my advice a bit. As much as it might be nice to find a guy to explore your curiosities, it shouldn't be at the expense of your mental health. A professional counselor may be better able to help you deal with those past issues so that you're no longer 'stuck' in this super-curious but super-fearful state.

 

Benway,

OnTheHighway and MarthRoyIke offer some sound advice.

But you don't have to take it.

You don't have to take risks, watch gay porn, or try to confront your feelings. You can continue to play it safe and pretend to be straight, get married, and have a family, namely, be a productive member of society according to your script. That's what I did when I was 27.

But now I'm 51 and the years of denial are catching up with me. I've become a productive member of society operating on half power because I chose to deny my true self and live according to society's script. Now I'm needing to take drastic measures to find my true self at mid-life. If I could do it over again knowing what I know now, I would have reached out to the gay support group in college.

This is your life and your decision. You don't have to do anything; you get to choose how you life your life.

 

Oh Benway, Benway,

From your many posts on this site, it doesn't sound to me like your conscience is clean at all. It *certainly* doesn't sound like you have peace of mind. You write at 2am about the value of being able to sleep at night (I guess maybe you're ok there...I don't know your schedule...but with the other bits of denial it does sound kinda fishy).

By "actually talking to guys" do you mean meeting a guy on the subway and getting into a groovy conversation that leaves you wanting to get closer? Are we talking about meeting a guy at a gay club that leaves you wanting to get closer? Or are we talking about talking to a guy on a phone-sex line and finding it really hot?

It makes a difference.

This is most telling. You should never engage in an act that you would describe as "allowing your body to be used" (unless you're into that kind of thing...and I don't think you are). Just stop there, and abandon the whole project.

When I think about having sex with either men or women, I think in terms of *sharing* my body with them, of exploring theirs and having them explore mine. There is no "use" involved.

Let me ask...you've also talked about thoughts about sex with women. Are those thoughts also accompanied by a sense of letting your body be used? Or is it only with guys? If so, why?

I remember you saying you've worked with manymany therapists...you really do need and deserve real help, hon. Do you think that their inability to help you stems from their incompetence or from your non-readiness to be helped? (I get a definite sense from you that despite how much this tortures you, you are resistant to being helped.) Might you approach a therapist with that understanding? Tell them that you feel (or others have observed) that you are resistant to being helped, and you'd like to get over that? Or would that come too close to actually being helped, and so you can't bring yourself to do that either?

 

Why?

 

Benway, I'm traveling home, but feel such a need to reply to this that I'm using the data anyway.

First and foremost, that deep seeded self loathing from the Jewish blood cracked me up. I'm Jewish too, so I understand the DNA entwined with guilt thing. So good news, you've got a sense of humor. I find it best to keep that in situations like these --especially in regards to self exploration; I mean that in any respect.

I sort of know what you're going through. I'm 25ish and just found out I had the capacity to truly be into females. It happened my last year of college when I fell--insanely hard--for a girl who identified as pan. If you look into any of my older posts, you can see the self doubt, confusion and crushing blow I had from her.

I still go through the self doubt and upset over thinking I could be gay/not knowing, literally everyday. What makes me feel I might be? I never had such a strong reaction to anyone before as I did with her. I literally felt horny around her. Like I wanted/needed to have her at that moment. And would go home and double click the mouse thinking about her everyday, and they were some of the best O's, ever. Point is, just like you, I was SO turned on that it was a little alarming/a sign of something going on.

I've had sex with a female before, but she was my best friend and we were just experimenting. So I've, deep down, always felt bi. But bi, to yourself, can be an easier label because in your mind you might be more likely to end up in a hetero union, which is what this world feels like it's made for. But it's not! It's just made for love and happiness and money, if you want to get technical.

The stigmas bother me too. I didn't feel "gay" or like i should be dancing around in a rainbow tutu with furry knee high socks on. I just felt like me, who liked a girl, who felt like she could end up being with this girl.

Like I said, I still go through it daily. And I'm not sure I'm 100% a lesbian, but Ive found a place where I'm comfortable enough to let myself explore. What it seems you need to work on is the superficial and stereotypical picture of things. I think you do need to explore your sexuality, but when you're ready.

Find a place where you can understand that your thoughts aren't bad. You might be gay, you might not. Honestly, just look on here. So many people go through this, so there's nothing wrong with you.

If you're gay there's nothing wrong with you. If you're straight there's nothing wrong with you. If you're bi there's nothing wrong with you. And if you're straight and experiment with a guy once or twice and wind up being with women after that, there's NOTHING wrong with you.

It's been 10 years you're feeling like this. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to find and be whatever makes you happiest.

All the best, Benway.

 

Perhaps you just need to make yourself available to guys you chat with while being honest about where you're at. Being honest may mean telling a guy "I'm not out but I really want to meet good guys and see where it goes". You don't need to get into all the details of your personal sexual habits (who cares?). Many think they're looking for a hookup but may be very sympathetic to your situation and agree to just hang out (coffee, beer, TV, whatever). You need more time with guys to allow yourself to be come more at ease. It will happen.

 

@Benway

It just occurred to me that the scenario you describe in the original post sounds like a panic attack. Are you experiencing panic attacks when you attempt to meet nice guys?

If so, the acute anxiety can be reduced with a pill. No talk therapy required.

 

Right, I didn't wanted to join this thread, but this is bad advice for two reasons : The use of 'pills' without medical supervision and the derogatory connotations if the expression 'talk therapy'.

When it comes to emotional matters 'talk' is needed. I suspect you came here not really to 'chat', but because you have already exhausted the rest of your options.

You have tried to resist the urge, but it keeps coming back and it haunts you. You use a great deal of energy trying to resist it, so afterwards all that is left is guilt (yup, more guilt), frustration (‘cuse you keep somehow thinking 'I have resisted, but it's a failure anyways'), and feeling powerless.

What does it really mean to hve sex with another man for you? Does it men you are not 'a real man' anymore? Does it mean that you are being 'weak'?
You mentioned that bully. There is a strong posibility that you, uncounsciously, re linking that person to 'being gay'. You need to find out what the words really mean to you. How do you feel when you say it? It seems silly, but trust me it's not.

Our cases are different, but it took me a long time to come to terms not only about my sexuality, but also about my own gender. And guess what : Thinking about the meaning of words, 'talking' and sharing like you are doing now, instead of bottling up, that helped m.

Try to detach yourself from yourself for a moment. Imagine you are a fictional character... How dp you feel about this guy, about his own struggle? Try to picture your whole life as a simple spectator, and analyze the movie. How do you think your actions made the other people feel? Do you think you would have understood yourself?

You don't have to call yourself 'gay' for the rest of your life only because you had sex once with a man. The word 'gay', at the end, is just a word.
You as a human being, however, are much more than that. Being in this life gives you the right to explore each and every posibility, to experience whatever you want, and afaik there is no obligation to ask forgiveness to anyone... There is no one judging you, but yourself.

We came to this life with nothing, and what we take from it is only up to us.

 

You are really way overthinking your situation, without doing a lot of exploration and experimentation to find out things about yourself in the real world. Try going to places where gay men hang out and get to know some of them on a casual level. If you find common interests with one of them, get to know him better. Whatever you do, don't sit around thinking about it, or what the consequences might be if this happens or if that happens, just go experience your life and SEE what happens. You don't need another therapist, you need a boyfriend who likes you, and who you want to see every day and night.

 

Hey Michael,

Please reread what I wrote. The main point is for Benway to confirm whether he is experiencing acute anxiety. Where did I suggest the pills were taken without medical supervision? I was offering the possibility of hope and follow up would have included the suggestion of talking to a psychiatrist to obtain a prescription.

Just been to clear, I've been treated for acute anxiety under the care of a psychiatric nurse and a talk therapist. I was prescribed Ativan to control overwhelming anxiety attacks and the talk therapy as an adjunct therapy to address the underlying issue. Given that Benway has not made progress with talk therapy, I thought I would offer this alternate approach. Ativan or other drug prescribed under the care of a psychologist might be just the thing to get him to feel comfortable enough to act. As we all know, acting is the first step towards acceptance.

I see that Benway just wrote that he's already on three brands of tranquilizers. Clearly that approach is not working either, so I withdraw my suggestion.

 

Given that you already take tranquilizers, I too would have to side with Michael and Yoss.

I feel for you because I grew up in PA and repressed my sexuality for the longest time. I was 46 when I had my first m2m encounter, and now I'm coming out at 51. You will save yourself a whole lot of pain if you figure this out now. Please, please, please take their advice to heart and act on it. I'm looking forward to your future post about your first sexual experience with another guy. We're rooting for you.