What do you feel for your exes?

I have not had this experience. I have felt disappointment when long-term friendships have ended, most of the time because of growing apart and changing. The thing is that these exact same dynamics can occur with intimate relationships.

 

I don't feel anything for him, and we only broke it off 3 weeks ago. He is very manipulative and fails to communicate often enough to make a relationship work. Never getting back with him. We agreed to be friends, but I am doubtful that will happen.

 

Those who know me in these parts know exactly how I feel about my ex-wife...'nuff said. :dry:

 

For the most part I have remained friends with exes. There have been an exception or two--one moved to another state because he couldn't bear the thought of running into me out and about--but for the most part we move into simple friendship. I've been with my current partner for 17 years and still have several good friends who are exes from back in the day so it seems like it has worked out alright.

 

for my STBX, i really have no feeling except when she plays games with the divorce or with my son's head/heart. then, well it's best not to say what i wish on her.:bang::badgrin::***:

 

I don’t really have an ex-boyfriend, although I had an ex-crush from many years ago that I occasionally wonder about, more out of curiosity than anything else. He wasn’t a bad guy, and although the feelings weren’t reciprocated, he certainly was a trigger for some serious thinking about what I was feeling for other guys (even if I buried it for years after).

But my feelings for my now-ex-wife are a lot more complicated. She’s a messed-up woman who can be extremely frustrating and annoying. She’s a gossip and a hoarder; she’s loud and passive-aggressive and demanding; she’s needy and hyper-critical and has an opinion on everything. But despite that, I care for her. I don’t love her and I haven’t for a very long time. She wore out the love I did feel for her, gay or not, and put a permanent block on it ever returning. But I look at her history and I can see what made her the way she is, and that part of it wasn’t her fault. And I see how she’s alienating our daughters by her behavior, and I know that she’s setting herself up to be very isolated from them in the future, and it bothers me. Her deepest fear is being abandoned, yet she pushes away the people who are closest to her and treats casual friends much better than she does the family who supports her, and she just doesn’t understand that it’s a problem.

But she’s also very devoted to the things that matter to her, notably several children’s organizations, and she works exceptionally well with special needs kids, and genuinely loves them. She will take charge when no one else is willing to, and although she’ll complain about it over and over, she can be counted on to take responsibility for the things everyone else has abandoned and drifted away from. Although she was never willing to put much effort into making our relationship better, she will work tirelessly and enthusiastically at whatever activity she’s thrown into, and people love her for it.

Years ago I had a cat that was pretty messed up. He was scared of people and would snarl and hiss at them, and hide in closets or under beds if anyone but me was in the house. But now and then he would ease close to me, never really letting me hold him or pet him, but just touching very slightly, and he might purr a little. He didn’t trust anyone, and so they didn’t like him, which kept the cycle going. When my ex and I got together, her allergies wouldn’t let me keep him, and I was very grateful to my dad for taking him, because with his personality, no one would have adopted him, and he would have ended up being put down. And it turned out that he and my dad were kindred spirits and got along quite well.

I think of my ex a lot like that cat. I doubt that she’ll ever be in a happy, healthy relationship because she really doesn’t know what one is. But I truly hope she manages to find a kindred spirit along the way who can give her a little more of what she needs than I could. I look at her and I see someone who could end up very much alone of she isn’t careful (and she’s NEVER careful). She has never been, and will never be, my best friend, but despite it, I feel like I may always be hers, because I’m one of the few people who can see past her barriers and understand what’s going on in her head. *

 

CB, in alot of ways your ex sounds like mine. so i know what your talking about.(*hug*)

 

My only ex is the woman I married 25yrs ago. The mother of my 3 children. She is still the greatest love of my life. We still communicate amicably. Our conversations are still peppered with "I love you." Surely it has changed. There are times when it seems very business like, and we still have issues with one another. In time I hope our friendship deepen and the wounds will heal. They're still very tender. We both hurt. We're both moving on.

How this will change if we find ourselves in serious relationships? I don't know.

 

I think it's hard to give you a straight answer on this one. Typically, feelings people have for exes depend on many things -- the intensity/seriousness of the relationship, who initiated the break-up, how well the separation went, whether they stayed in contact afterward, how long it's been, whether you're still in love with them, etc.

My personal experience? One of my exes is a buddy -- not a good friend, but someone I see most days and am perfectly happy to hang out with. The other I would rather never see again, if I had the choice.

If you "love her and have a desire to be intimate," well, that's nothing like what I've felt for an ex. They sound like very current feelings. But it is hard to tell in your case, since this is someone you have a sexual history with, and on top of that she's your best friend, so of course there is attachment there, too.

Yes, the feelings might go away... But if they haven't yet, why would they soon? It sounds like it's been quite a while already.

 

(*hug*)

 

What happened when you talked to your friend? What do you want or did you want to happen? I know this is an old post but I'm new here and curious as I'm in a similar situation...

 

I have always wanted to remain friends with my exes. I've had more luck with some than with others with that.

Sexual attraction...harder to say. I guess my feeling is that it becomes irrelevant...sort of like any sexual attraction I have toward people I'm not seeing and will never have a relationship with. If I choose to look at it, it's there...but mostly I choose not to look at it.

 

I've always wanted to sink the barbs of my serrated beak and tongue into their petty, spoiled flesh. (Penguin in-joke! )

 

Sorry, bi2me. Sounds like you're feeling let down by someone you love, even if in this moment you cannot love her more than your heart would want to.