I often have heard the suggestion that gay men have mother issues. This notion was something I would hear frequently even before I came out to myself. When I look back on my relationship with my mother, I certainly have appreciation for such a claim, as my relationship is what can best be described as an utter disaster. I was the recipient of substantial emotional abuse, physical abuse and manipulation (there are some much older posts from me on this in other threads). As I have been progressing on my journey of finding true myself and where I feel that I am getting close to fully realizing my true self, I have worked to focus on this aspect of my life and find closure. It's only been recently that I have been able to let go of the guilt that my mother manipulated me with. Getting there has been a long journey for me; but a very much needed one. Often, just the same as my coming out process, I had felt alone in this aspect of my life. That I was singularly pointed out by the universe to have to deal with such mother issues. But as I think about it, how could it be possible that I would be alone. In fact, isn't this a universal theme that men, whether gay or straight deal with? And, what is is about the notion that gay men in particular have mother issues, or is that just another stereotype?
I'm not sure, I actually had great relationship with my mother, closer than with my father. He drove tractor-trailer when I was little and not home much. I was always just me and my mother a lot of the time. She actually babied me a lot and protected me from my father the one time he tried to hit me. I know it's just another stereotype, but I thought a lot of gay men were "momma's boys".
I think it is fair to say I was initially a "Momma's Boy" as well. Not sure one would prohibit the other depending on how that term is defined. By Momma's Boy, I interpret that to mean early life being subject to the discretion of your mother. Now, I am sure there is "Good Relationship" Momma's Boys and "Bad Relationship" momma's boys.
EVERYBODY has mother issues, gay or strauggt. Woman are social creatures. Being social DEMANDS compliance. Mother's beat compliance into children through perceuved sticks and carrots. Add "nuts" into mix and it is hard for males who are naturally less social.
I too was the recipient of emotional abuse, manipulation, and overprotection. My mother used guilt and shame to control the children. She told me how much of a chore sex with my father was. She was doing the best she could as a parent. It took me many years to overcome these feelings, which made it difficult for me to come out at a younger age. Having said that - I believe that we were born this way and the mother issue is a separate (but in many cases related) issue.
What I am about to write is entirely anecdotal, borne of personal experience and is NOT evidence for any trend or general characteristic related to gay guys. It has been my experience having met several gay men that there often seems to be a fairly complicated relationship between mothers and their gay sons. I have noticed this mostly in conversation, and how often their mothers are mentioned. Whether it is adoration, loathing or everywhere in between, this topic is often top-of-mind for most of the gay men I have met. I have no theories or explanations, just an observation...
Siennafire, Guilt absolutely seems to be a recurring theme. In fact, I have spent a lot of time attempting to define the driving forces behind the guilt, and come to believe that I have been made to feel guilt, where such emotions have not been a natural sense of guilt but one born from manipulation. Fundamentally, allowing myself to eliminate my feelings of guilt by recognizing where the guilt comes from have been fundamental, I believe, in helping me "cut the cord"! greatwhale, my straight friends have their own mother issues that we would often talk about together. We would get into massive debates as to which of our mothers was worse (I think I always one that argument). Maybe being gay brings additional overall sensitivities, and that goes to amplify the inherent complications found in all mother/son relationships? I am going to digest that notion for a bit.
I'm no psychologist, but I'd think a mother/straight son relationship is something of a model for future relationships that the son has with women, and in some ways the mother is recreating relatinships with her husband and father but trying in some way to improve on them. But for a gay son there are other dynamics coming into play that make things more complicated. I know I always felt a lot of pressure to be the perfect guy in many ways, and the fact that I wasn't attracted to girls always made me feel like something was wrong and I wasn't living up to her goal of my being this great husband and father. Plus I was closer in thought patterns to her and so I think I craved more friendship from her than my straight brother did, and almost wanted my relationship with her to be closer to what she had with my sister. Parent/child relationships are always a little twisted in one way or another, and if the kid is gay, there's less of a blueprint for how to deal with it. Both of my girls are either quite straight, or else far deeper in denial than I ever was. I'm very curious to see what kind of guys they end up with once they're done simply lusting over them. Which as a dad makes me barf a little just thinking about!
Apologies, I may have misinterpreted where you were going with this ... I thought you were suggesting that a bad relationship with our mothers made us gay. I agree with you 100% that the guilt transferred from my mother had a deleterious effect on my ability to love and accept myself and come out as who I am until much later in life.
Sorry for the confusion, I in no way attribute a correlation between being gay and my relationship with my parents. I do attribute my inability earlier in life to accept myself with the way in which they raised me and the priorities they pressed upon me.
I agree with this statement and have a subtly different take on it. While the guilt and shame of my upbringing made it very difficult for me to love and accept myself and come out earlier in life, I accept responsibility that I chose not to act until later in life.
I look back at the decisions I made, and while I recognize I did not have the confidence nor self esteem to accept myself at a much younger age, I actually do not feel I need to take any responsibility for the "When" of coming out, as I do not feel any guilt nor regrets to the timing of my coming out. I do not feel concerned that I missed out, as i am living my life genuinely now and I am living in the present not the past. in regards to my family, I am actually proud of my children that I had with my former wife, while we have difficulties, they are more typical teenage parental type difficulties. My ex has had a great life with great experiences, and she is stronger and more independent than she has ever been; and given our relationship and openness prior to getting married, she had the information she needed to make her own decisions. I believe that the journey I am on is one that I was intended to be on.
Well stated. I feel that we've both reached closure on this in different ways that are true to unique ourselves.
I reached closure in many regards to coming out, agreed. Still have somethings to work on for sure however. My relationship with my mother? That closure seems to be as difficult as the closure that was required leaving my straight life and entering the life of my true gay self. That journey, I am right at the beginning of; where I need to close the door on the blame and guilt that was even levied on me just tonight by her. In as much as I had to resolve many issue in order to be able to say "I am Gay", I now need to do the same to be able to walk away and say to her "No More". And that's exactly what I just did.
Congratulations - that must feel really good, to walk away from the voice of blame and guilt ride: ---------- Post added 11th Jun 2015 at 07:45 PM ---------- To clarify, the antecedent of this is accepting that the guilt and shame of our upbringings made it very difficult for us to come out earlier in life. I accepted responsibility, and you recognized that you are on the journey that you were meant to be. Two different but equally valid approaches of acceptance.
So, I see you've all met my mother? I agree that it can be tough to untangle that, especially since its a narrative that's out there. my siblings are all pretty dead on straight, as far as I know, and they faced similar from her. Physically and emotionally abusive, manipulative, guilt trips, repeatedly violating trust such that I'll struggle with that for my whole life. It took me quite a while to see just how bad it was. Really, it's when she started going after my then wife that was the final straw. I laid out some ground rules on how we needed to structure our conversation and contact and she could not handle following them even though I was clear that violating them would put her in a time out. And that further breaking of that boundary would mean a much longer, perhaps permanent, cut off. It's getting close to 5 years now, and it has been a tremendously freeing experience. I'm still bummed about it, especially on days celebrating family and motherhood, but one doesn't choose parents. My sister is getting married early next year, so I'll need to work out something as I don't want to ruin her special day. I wish that I could count on my mother to abide by some structure but I'd rather on some crap from her than be the person who messes up my sisters wedding.
Yep, Freud would have probably used me as evidence for his theories. Emotionally and physically smothering and manipulative mother, and an emotionally and (much of the time) physically unavailable father, all through my formative years. To top it all off, I was more of a 'momma's boy' although I damn well wish I hadn't been cos she did much harm to me. My father should have made more of an effort to relate to my emotions. But maybe the alcohol hindered him from this. Well if anyone wonders why I'm so messed up now you know LOL. But I guess I'm not alone. There are a lot a fucked up parents out there. A lot.
Hang on are you sure you're not talking about my mother? Did we come from the same family? But you know CF, I used to worry that my mum might have 'made' me into this androgynous guy who likes other guys (feeling pretty 'gay' atm), but now I'm thinking, no; I don't want to give her the credit for that To be honest I suspect that even if I had a decent upbringing with parents who weren't fucked up, I would still have liked guys anyway...these doubts could be just another layer of denial to overcome.
