I don't think there are any shortcuts in this whole coming out process. One thing I'm having to work through is grief. And I don't think this will be the only time I have to do this during this whole process. Like a lot of people, I, uh, involuntarily sacrificed quite a bit when I was younger and closeted. Once I hit puberty, I pretty much hunkered down and hoped that the "storm" would pass. One of the things I didn't get to do, or didn't let myself do, because of my feelings was sports. A locker room was, and maybe still is, a pretty dangerous place for a gay person. So I just disconnected and dropped out. Yes, it was the best way I could cope at the time, but it still sucks. I really hate that I missed out on taking care of my body, really taking care of my body, during my teens and twenties, but I did. Now that I don't want to hunker down anymore, I want to wind back the clock and live those years again differently and in a better, more accepting, place. I know, I know, it can't be done, that society more or less screwed me over to some degree, and, unfair as it is, there's not a damn thing I can do about it. But I have a bona fide loss to grieve here, and I'm going to go through this bargaining stage whether I want to or not. I just want to be responsible about it and hope that maybe I can make some positive lifestyle changes anyway. Not real sure where all that was going, just venting more than anything, I guess. I think the next stage of grief is depression; that'll be fun.....:rolle:
I think many people on EC will share your feelings maybe recognising it as grief is a sign that you are moving on and you begin to live in "now" rather than ruminating on the past and concentrating on what is really important… you and your future!
Get thee to a gym hence, or something biblical sounding like that. Your body will respond to training quite well at your current age, and you might meet someone you like to hang out with there. No point in wasting time about the past you can't change when you can improve your health and appearance, while enjoying the view.
If depression is in the mix then you can fight back. I agree with Yossarian that a gym membership could help turn things around if you are prepared to focus yourself. as you will see results within few weeks and feel better as the changes begin to show. I would try a personal trainer if you can afford the cost - even if for a few weeks - as that will make sure your goals are being targeted the right way and it will make you go there to keep appointments.
I did not start acting on my same-sex attraction until I was 46, and I haven't gone through a grieving process for lost time, although I sometimes regret not having been able to express my sexuality in my youth. I remind myself that the clock is ticking and that I need to make the most of each day, since there's no way for me to go back in time and change previous chapters of my life. Besides they allowed me to build mental muscle and prepare for coming out at 51. I agree with the other posters that your best course of action is to make the most of your days. Carpe diem!
We all want to do this! I was older when I decided to make it known that I was gay, and I sometimes even now think what if. It's just part of acceptance. Sometimes I wish that I would have just come on out sooner rather than later, but then I would not have my three wonderful kids so everything happens for a reason and in it's own time.
