One part of my journey involved a period of time where I had a heightened need for sexual activity. While it never had a negative nor detrimental impact on my daily life, I often wondered if I was addicted (just to give a perspective of how active I was). In looking back on my journey and the various stages I have gone through, and where today I no longer continue to have such a heightened need for physical activity (but to be clear, my partner and I have a very healthy sex life), I have challenged myself to understand what drove this need. I have concluded that I was previously seeking self validation and doing so through sex. The more people I slept with (always safe), the more attractive I felt and the more confidence I had. I just recognised this as I have realzed I feel I am currently in a very good place with myself at the moment, and I explored what I have today that I did not have when I started my journey. In conclusion, today I feel confident, have a heightened self esteem, and am comfortable that I have made the right decisions in life. And I actually can think about how each sexual encounter gave me that sense of self worth even when I emotionally was at my lowest points while on my journey. Does that make any sense?
Well, it wasn't my experience, but it still makes total sense. Being in the closet is a vicious cycle of denying your self-worth and having others deny it for you as well. For me, I wasn't able to start coming out until things had happened to bolster my self-worth--namely, losing a significant amount of weight and having a (probably) (mostly) straight guy being unusually friendly and attentive to me. That was enough to snap me out of the funk I was in enough to think, wow, I could actually be considered reasonably appealing to some guy! That was my self-validation, which resulted IN the decision to come out, not resulting FROM it. No sex required, but I did finally imagine that I was worthy of it and it was at least a possibility. (I seem to have gone about most of this process backwards, now that I think about it.) Depending on what led to your coming out, you might very well have needed the self-validation afterwards, because of being both unsure of yourself AND excited at the new possibilities. It doesn't sound the least bit strange to me.
It totally does make sense, OnTheHighway. I've been there myself a lot on the past, using it as a way to give my self confidence a boost, also to scape from my own gender issues. It was a very dark place there... 'Cause in my circumstances it had 90% of time very negative consequences. It felt like being drunk, and sometimes, just in the middle of it, I was anticipating the hangover, but couldn't stop the situation. Don't want to go back there ever...
I also think the deep relationship I am in, and the love and connection we have, has probably done more to help my confidence than anything, and the validation I have recieved from how much he loves me is far superior than any validation from a meaningless sexual incounter. Had we not found each other, I imagine I still might be on the hunt for self validation. I better not lose him Choirboy, I also went through the process of getting into shape. That was not enough for me. I hoped it was. Michael, agreed, not a place to go back to!
I like sex. Don't have much but cannot deny it. But no. Having a lot of sex is not some sort of validating thing you have to do to prove anything. It is what you make it to be.
Oddly enough, I've viewed sex more times than not as something more predatory than reciprocal for a lot of people. I will admit on occasion that I've had the same thoughts but I would correct them almost immediately... I don't think it's in my character to treat people that way. Most times I fantasize about providing for the other and ensuring that they're satisfied with whatever.
Totally agree. Many men view it that way... But women are equally predatory with sex. But to be honest I would like to be the one who is submissive. Willing submissiveness is a good thing. When it isn't mutual or willing that's when it becomes rape.
OnTheHighway I'm an outlier in that I've never gotten into the anonymous scratch the itch type of bi-married encounters. I've always wanted some amount of emotional connection. So I don't have experience to draw upon in this department. FWIW, I am trying to get back into better shape, so my mileage may vary on the other side You seem to be pretty self-aware, so the hypothesis that your shagging spree was a way of validating yourself and getting ready for your current BF makes sense. Was there an element of making up for lost time perhaps? You mentioned you thought this was an addiction - then went on to conclude that this was a form of validation. This seems potentially contradictory. Does excessive drinking or gambling somehow validate a person? Offering different ways of viewing this for your consideration, not disagreeing or trying to debate you.
Without question part was a making up for lost time, but I can also make up for lost time just the same by being in a monogamous relationship. What I was searching for was not just the sex, but the sex with different people. The more people that wanted to have sex with me, the more validated I felt. In regard to considering if it was an addiction - prior to coming out, I drank heavily. Five to seven days a week and multiple drinks in a day. It did wonders for my weight (in a bad way). Someone might have considered me an alcoholic. But that, just as with the sex, did not interfere with my daily life. What it did do was mask the sadness I had developed from hiding from whom I really was. Now I am out, and if I have even one drink every two weeks, that might be considered excessive at this point. So was I addicted to sex. I do not think so. However, there was an underlying issue that I needed to resolve. I believe I have worked through it, and now the desire is gone. Just like when I drank. Some of this might just be semantics no doubt.
This is good to hear. I've suspected that my drinking is a symptom of / band aide for the deeper problem of denying my sexuality. I've noticed that I've reduced my porn consumption over the past few days as well. I'm surmising this is part of the healing process of self acceptance and forgiveness.
Highway, i think you have a point. I can relate to this from the opposite perspective. I've not had (full) sex for a few years now and the feeling of 'not being wanted' hurts me far more than the not having had sex part. It's the fact that I can't seem to find anyone with whom I have mutual feelings, that has, I believe, contributed to the awful dark depression that has crept up on me over the last year or two. So yep I think you are correct. I can recall that, back when folks would from time to time actually show some interest in me, I felt better about myself. Now, as I look down the barrel of a gun, at being alone for the rest of my life and dying alone, I feel sad when I think about that, which is why I'm training myself not to think about that. But that's another story.
